- 7 years ago
- Wedding: February 2011
Darling Husband and I had an argument last night. It started with something stupid and petty and escalated from there.
Darling Husband noticed something wrong with the underside of the bed on my side, so he asked me to get up. Naturally, I wanted to see what was wrong too, so I got up and stayed near the side of the bed when he came over to look at it. He got super irritated with me for being in the way and sort of snapped at me.
I let it go, but when he snapped at me again a few minutes later for asking what was wrong with the bed—telling me “Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter anymore”—I asked him why he couldn’t just tell me what was wrong with the bed and why he was being so grumpy about it. (By the way, just so I don’t leave you in suspense forever, one of the slats had just slipped out of its track. It was nothing important.) Darling Husband got super annoyed and started telling me that I shouldn’t have been standing over there because I KNEW that that’s where the problem was and that I should have gotten out of the way.
I was like, “Yeah, I did know that that’s where the problem was. That’s WHY I WAS STANDING THERE. Because I wanted to see what was going on!”
So, anyway, stupid fight. He refused to accept that he was being a jerk to me for no better reason than I was standing in a place that was inconvenient to him, and I was getting grouchy and making things worse by being impatient and irritated right back. I got my stuff and went to go sleep out on the couch. When I came back in to get my phone charger and my stuffed animal, he refused to give me my stuffed animal.
Yes, I still sleep with a stuffed animal. I’ve had this stuffed animal literally since birth. I know it’s stupid and obnoxious, but whatever.
When he refused to give me the stuffed animal, I was like, “Are you kidding me? You’re not going to give him to me?”
Darling Husband says, “No, I’m not.”
Then Darling Husband made a lame attempt at apologizing for being snappy earlier, but his “excuse” was that I had been nervous and unhappy this evening (to be fair, I had) and that he was tense and stressed from dealing with me all night. Of course I was all “Sorry I have FEELINGS!” and this started the argument back up for another few minutes. We get progressively louder and angrier.
Finally, I snapped, “Look, I’m done with this. I’m not arguing anymore. Just give me the stuffed animal and let me go sleep on the couch.”
Darling Husband says, “No, I’m not giving him to you. You can’t have him.”
And I’m like, “What the F is wrong with you? Give me my bear.”
And Darling Husband says, “No,” and rolls over, holding the bear to his chest so that I couldn’t take him. I couldn’t believe how spiteful he was being withholding my stupid stuffed animal.
I demanded the bear one last time and Darling Husband refused to give him up.
So that’s when I did it. I grabbed DH’s shoulder a little roughly and pulled him toward me so I could forcibly take the stuffed animal away from him. Darling Husband said, “Are you f’ing kidding me? Get out of here. Now.” I left the room with the stuffed animal and slept on the couch.
We’ve been texting back and forth a bit today with an agreement to talk about the fight in person tonight. I know that what I did crossed a line. I’m ashamed that I resorted to physical tactics to get what I wanted. I just couldn’t believe he would stoop to hurting me by physically preventing me from sleeping with my stuffed animal.
I have no idea what to expect when I get home tonight, and I don’t know what to think about what I did. Was it abusive? Was it the same as slapping him or pushing him during a fight? I didn’t feel like it was at the time. I just wanted my stuffed animal, and I felt like Darling Husband was using his body to prevent me from getting it because he knew he was stronger and because he didn’t think I would actually make a try for it.
I don’t want to go home in denial about what happened. I want to go home and have a productive conversation about my behavior. So, bees, please. Tell me, am I making excuses for what I did? Was it really horrible and out of line? Should I let go of my own anger and hurt feelings about what he did and just grovel? Or was it not actually that big of a deal? I honestly feel like I have no ability to evaluate my own behavior in this situation, and I have no idea what he’s thinking. How do I respond if I go home and he tells me that he thinks I assaulted him? Is he right?
Please note: We’ve been arguing a lot lately, and we do have a counseling appointment in a couple of weeks. We have every intention of working on our problems and setting ground rules for fights. But, in the meantime, I need your advice on how to get through this conversation tonight. Please don’t be afraid to be harsh. If you would consider my actions abusive, please tell me. It’s something that I need to hear.