(Closed) I guess I have to invite cousins to wedding since they’ll be at my shower?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
491 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you should change your wedding plans based on the shower plans. 

Did you tell your aunt what you are thinking? Maybe the shower can kind of be more like a get together type thing than a bridal shower?

Post # 4
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mtnhoney:  I’m kind of confused… you have several cousins invited to the shower, and also invited to the wedding reception, just not the ceremony?  Or are they not invited to any part of the wedding?

Post # 6
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@MadameTussaud:  I second these questions.

OP, do you have a tiered reception, with some people invited to the dinner and others only allowed to come for dancing afterward? This is more problematic IMO than the shower issue.

Post # 7
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yikes, Mom and Aunt really messed up! They should only be inviting the people you tell them to invite (i.e. those invited to the wedding). 

But, given you’re already in the situation, I don’t think you should change your wedding guestlist because of their goof up. I also think that any hard feels that result from all this should be directed to them to smooth over!

Post # 8
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

“So we decided to split the guest list and invite only two of my closest cousins to the entire wedding, and the rest just for the evening, for some drinks and dancing.”

“all my cousins and their partners (if they have one) are invited for the ceremony. I was only inviting the two I’m closest with for the ceremony.”

Did you mean to say you are only inviting the two you’re closest with for the (full) reception?

If so I see two etiquette problems. One is having a tiered reception. The other is inviting people to the ceremony but not inviting those same people to the (full) reception.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Anybody invited to a shower must also be invited to the wedding.  Period.  If you (or the host on your behalf) invite people to a gift-centric party while excluding them from the main event, you will be seen as gift grabby, whether or not that is your intention.

Why would the girlfriends of your male cousins be invited to your shower?  They don’t know you.  That makes no sense to me.

Also, I’m confused.  Are you wanting a small ceremony and a large reception, or a small ceremony and tiered reception with some guests invited for food and other guests invited to show up later for dancing?  Tiered receptions are etiquette felonies.

Post # 10
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m still not clear on the plan, but based on the title of your thread, here’s my response:  anyone invited to the shower should be invited to the wedding.  Otherwise it seems as though you’re just asking for gifts by asking them to attend the pre-wedding activities without following through on including them on the entire wedding celebration.  Even if they said this is okay with them, they may not understand that they’re not being included in everything and will miss out on some of the celebration.  Maybe they’re as confused as me?  lol

Similarly, I wouldn’t invite girls to a bachelorette party without inviting them to the wedding. 

Post # 11
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Haha, confusion!

If the situation is that some people are invited to only the reception and the others are invited to ceremony and reception, that is fine. Traditional etiquette says its a-ok!

Post # 12
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Being invited to the reception (meal and dancing) only, but not the ceremony is ok in my book. I have known many who have done this.

If you are just inviting some to the part of the reception after dinner (just the dancing part of the night), then they should not be invited to the shower. I think this is so rude to even do this, but if they were ok with it then carry on.

Post # 13
Member
5763 posts
Bee Keeper

There’s also the possibility that your uninvited cousins (to the wedding) STILL wanted to participate in your shower, regardless of ‘etiquette’. I’ve done so myself on several occasions for the fiance’s of my GF’s sons, knowing full well I wasn’t going to the weddding. All circumstances can be different, and I wouldn’t give it another thought about the gift grabbiness of it at all.

I think your post is confusing,tho. The ceremony is the least expensive part of the wedding, so do you mean your costs would increase by having them at the reception? If you aren’t serving dinner anyway, how much more could it cost?

Post # 14
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Since you posted this on the etiquette board, I’ll give you the etiquette-friendly response.

1) People who are invited to pre-wedding parties (showers, bachelorettes, engagement parties) MUST be invited to the wedding as well.  It is rude not to do so.  The only exceptions are if people in your office or your church throw you a shower, knowing they are not invited to the wedding.

2) You mentioned having some cousins coming for ‘dancing and drinks only’, and not the full reception meal.  This is called a tiered reception and is also rude.  People invited to your wedding must come to the entire thing – ceremony and full reception.  The only exception to this is a truly private ceremony, with you, your groom, and immediate family only.

Post # 15
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yea I guess I would request that people who are not invited to the wedding, also not be invited to my shower…

Post # 16
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with the other posters that I wouldn’t feel comfortable having people at the shower that weren’t invited to the wedding at all, but if your having them apart of the dancing cocktail part maybe they are fine with that. Is it open bar atleast?  

At the end of the day just do what you want.  No one knows how your family operates but you, your cousins might be cool with the whole thing and just happy to be apart of your wedding in whatever way they can.  If your family is traditional and are use to being invited to every cousins full wedding they may be put off by this. 

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