Post # 17
Have the shower invitations been extended yet? If not, I would definitely inform your aunt and mother immediately that they should not invite anyone to the bridal shower who is not also on your and your FI’s list of approved guests for the wedding.
I agree with prior posters who have indicated that etiquette does permit you to invite guests to the reception and not to the ceremony, but never the other way around, and that tiered receptions are not considered to be proper etiquette.
Post # 18
I’m not gonna lie, Im completley confused 0_o
How would inviting all your cousins to the ceremony increase your catering budget?
Did you mean reception? If that is the case, I’m gonna repeat what everyone else said: I don’t think it is right to invite them to the ceremony and NOT the reception.
If it were me I would feel sad and offended to have to go home after a 30 minute ceremony while everyone else is leaving to your reception. 🙁
Just my 2 cents 🙂
Post # 19
It is actually the new etiquette that forbids tiered receptions and makes closerefers monies acceptable. Traditional etiquette is the other way around.
Traditionally the ceremony is considered either a religious service and is open to all church members, or a legal proceeding which is open to the public. You may find if you peruse your local marriage statute, that the law may even still require pro-forma measures to ensure the ceremony is at least nominally “public”. Many old-fashioned people still believe that the ceremony is the important part and that being excluded there makes the subsequent party pointless.
Traditional receptions normally took place immediately after the ceremony in the early afternoon, in the churchyard or church hall, and comprised only light refreshments for everyone attending the service — similar to the coffee-time that follows a Sunday church service or a club meeting. Then the couple and their parents might optionally have dinner — called a Wedding Breakfast because some church traditions that considered weddings a sacrament required the couple to fast until the wedding — held at the bride’s former home with a select subset of the wedding guests.
The important consistancy between traditional etiquette and the new etiquette is that no-one should be invited to part of an event. If there are different guestlists, there have to be separate events, preferably at different times in different locations.
Post # 20
oh my goodness, guess I didn’t explain myself very well, since many seem to be confused.
Everyone who is coming for the ceremony is staying for the reception- it’s in the same location! we wanted to invite more people for the evening and dancing since many of my family have kids and will be leaving early, and we wanted to invite friends to whoop it up.
i think I’m just trying to be overly considerate of people’s feelings. Initially I wasn’t going to invite any of my cousins except the two I’m closest with, but then feelings of family “obligation” came up, so we decided to at least extend an invite for the evening.
even though we’re not serving dinner, there’s appys, drinks, desserts to consider…
now I know my Mom and Aunt have perhaps unwittingly broken some etiquette rules by inviting all the female family- and I agree it’s a little strange to invite the GFs of my male cousins when I don’t even know them, but that’s my family…
I should talk this over with them both and get their perspective.
for understanding that it’s OK to invite some people for just the reception. It’s crazy that we’ve gone from wanting a small, 40-ish guest list to now looking at 80 for the ceremony and another 30 for the reception. Yikes! this is why we aren’t doing dinner. In normal life I never pay $75 for dinner and wine for myself, and I’m not about to pay that per head for 80 guests!
Post # 21
YES. It would be in very poor taste to have guests invited to your shower and not your wedding.
Post # 22
@mtnhoney: You cannot invite people for just the dancing after the reception. That is still rude. They’re good enough to party and dance with you but not to have a meal or attend the ceremony?
I’m sure you don’t think they aren’t good enough, but that is how it looks. And what if they arrive before dinner is over? Won’t they wonder where their meals are? What if they talk to a relative who says “Hey Cousin Sally, wasn’t the prime rib great?” They’ll know that you didn’t want to spend the money to feed them.
Also, most venues require a head count, and if you have additonal people coming in after dinner without telling them they could get super upset with you… Its like you’re cheating THEM out of money by not paying for these peoples’ meals too.
I’m not trying to be mean, rather trying to stop you from breaching etiquette and offending family members.
Post # 23
@futuremrsfitz18: we are NOT serving dinner, and our venue is very happy to have more people come later in the evening. I’ve already talked to a few of my cousins about inviting them only for the dancing reception and they were happy to be invited at all. and as for our othe friends, they too were excited that they would be able to come, not expecting that they’d be normally invited to a wedding since people need to keep them small because of all this money and etiquette obligations!
anyway, just because i’m doing things “differently” than most doesn’t mean I’m rude. I’ve already been doing my best to check in with people to see how they feel, and apparently now I have to do the same since my Mom and AUnt have gone and invited everyone to my shower, even though they both know that we are splitting the guest list.
Post # 24
I guess I’m not completely understanding what you’re doing…sorry lol I know you’ve explained and re-explained
sounds like you already talked to them about what’s going on and they were ok with it. Ideally, everyone would be invited to every event, but whatever works for you! Personally I probably would tell people not to bring gifts to the shower, just because I think that part of the reason people have a problem with this is that you may seem gift-grabby (I know you aren’t)
Post # 25
@mtnhoney: It’s considered okay to invite people to the reception without inviting them to the ceremony (though I personally would want to attend the ceremony because that’s the meaningful part!!) But inviting people to only the latter half of the reception does come across as rude. Even though you’re not serving dinner, you are serving food and that’s when toasts and other things happen that are an important part of the reception. Sometimes that’s when the special dances happen, also.
If they truly are okay with this set up, I’d make it clear that they shouldn’t be bringing gifts as you aren’t really hosting them for the whole event. But I’m still wondering if they are saying it’s okay just to be polite…
Post # 26
At the request of the OP, I’m closing this thread.