(Closed) I guess I’m more of a waiting bee than I thought

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You need to both be comfortable with whatever solution you choose. What CAN he afford? The talk about diamond shapes us probably freaking him out. How important is the ring to you? Do you definitely want to hold off until he can afford your dream ring? Will you consider a cheaper stone? If it’s important to him to buy your ring, you should respect that but also make sure he understands your POV.

ETA- if you’d get married tomorrow, please don’t worry about what others will think. Get married because it’s the right choice for YOU! I’m sure some people think I’m too young to get married, but I can’t imagine that informing my choice to do so.

Post # 4
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@google:  I don’t think society should be the reason for making choices. Engagement and marriage is about you two, not everyone else. You should do what is right for both of you.

Plus note that engagement doesn’t have to mean that you will be married tomorrow. You can be engaged for 1-2 years before tying the knot. It’s just to show that this relationship is very serious and you are both committed to eachother to be married.

As for him wanting to buy the ring, maybe both of you could think of a reasonable solution to this. There are lots of men out there that can’t purchase that perfect ring but still propose with a ring that they can afford. Later they save up and surprise their wife with the ring that she had hoped for but it couldn’t be at the time.

Marriage is not about a ring afterall. It’s about two people loving, caring and respecting eachother. Building a life together. If he finds proposal important to him then maybe you should consider letting him do that.

Post # 5
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think there is something he is not saying.  You could very well interpret his reaction to mean that HE thinks it is too soon and that HE is not ready yet. It could have nothing to do with what society thinks.  When it is right, it is right and you don’t want to delay it.  

I would talk to him about his feelings on marriage and when HE thinks it will be soon enough.  If he cares that much about what the entire world thinks, then that’s a problem that needs to be sorted out ASAP.

Post # 6
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

So, I have lurked here for eons, but for some reason, I felt compelled to actually register and post in response to this post, of all posts!


I agree with this. I do not think he has any nefarious intention behind it, but I do think he is replacing “I feel this way” with “society feels this way”.

OP, I take your post to mean that you had thought you would be engaged by the end of your first year together? While I think it is fine if couples get engaged after a year, if it is right for them as individuals and as a couple (indeed, my own husband, to my surprise and under some rather strange circumstances (I am not sure if it is a “sweet” story, but it is an interesting one!) proposed after a year), I do think that it is very important you are both ready and it does feel “right”.

Right now, you are a few months away from August. Right now, I would imagine your Boyfriend or Best Friend does not feel ready. He is also not ready enough (or able!) to predict how he will feel in August (which I assume is your anniversary month), and he is likely trying to “adjust” your expectations without coming right out and saying “I am not ready yet!”.

As for the ring, and who pays for it, and all of that…I think that is just an expression of perhaps some of his hesitation right now than his actual concern, and I think to focus on that right now is getting a bit ahead of the gun. Even if he had the funds to buy a ring today, I do not think that is the main source of his “wanting to wait”. That being said, my proposal was sans ring, because of the circumstances and by choice, and I actually did not get a ring until after we were married (paid from my tax return, but it all comes out of the same place anyway!). You will figure it out as a couple when you get there.

And, I mean this in a very gentle way, while I think it is very important to speak up for your own needs and wants in a relationship and always be 100% honest with each other, I look at some of your post history and notice a focus on rings and things, and wonder how much you are tied up in the fantasy of how it will all go down, rather than just allowing the relationship to develop as it will.  I know that on “wedding boards” there is lots of ring talk and all of that, but to be blunt, those are just “details” that come when the foundation is there.

You cannot be a Type-A control freak over someone else’s feelings, emotional state, readiness, and so forth. I say that also with much gentleness, from lessons learned myself many years ago.

Keep the communication open, nourish the relationship, and just ENJOY being together. I know this is the waiting board, and every relationship is different, but these early months are such a wonderful time and I really encourage you to enjoy them as they are without putting the pressure of expecting a proposal in or around August on it. You do not get this time back, and yet so many are so eager to rush to the “next step” they forget to enjoy it.

Post # 7
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@google:  I think you need to let down your type A personality a bit and let him buy the ring. It seems like he isn’t that comfortable with you buying it and I understand it. The ring is a gift from him to you, probably the last gift he will ever give you before you combine finances! Some people may argue the ring is not important to being engaged (it definitely is a defining factor for myself), does it really matter if you have the ring right away, or are you okay with waiting for him to save up?

*Who cares what society suggests? If we based everything on society, why even get married if the chances of you staying married are just the same as the chances of you getting divorced?!

Post # 9
1106 posts
Bumble bee

I say go for it! But the thing with him buying the ring is a pride thing – men like to be the one who buys the ring and proposes because it’s more traditional but also kind of expected of them.  But also, with the thing of asking for your hand in marriage – maybe he wants to be sure that your parents and his parents are okay with it and maybe he does know about a family ring.  That might be a special reason to wait to get it from whomever or something.

If it’s right, it’s right.  Don’t let anyone stop you!

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