- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
Yesterday afternoon, Darling Husband and I get in bed to take a nap. I’m getting really comfortable and am about to fall asleep when Darling Husband announces that he wants to have sex (something about lying in bed in the afternoon always gets him going). I’m not in the mood at all, as I am very nearly asleep, but he REALLLLLY wants to, so who am I to say no? Not like it’s a lot of work. I do insist on a compromise, however: since I’m not in the mood and am only putting out as a favor to him, 1) he has to do all the work, and 2) he has to either pull out or use a condom so I won’t have to get up and go to the bathroom afterwards. I want my nap!
He agrees to my conditions, but since I’m on birth control pills, we don’t generally stock condoms. He asks if I have any; I say no, but then remember that there is one in my wallet. It has been in there for ages — from back in my younger years when I carried my own condoms ‘just in case.’ Years, it’s been in there.
So Darling Husband goes to my wallet to get the condom, then comes back to the bedroom and rips it open. He pulls the condom out of the package. Dust flies out with it.
He grabs the condom and groans that “this thing isn’t even lubricated!” I furrow my brow because I know I would never ever buy non-lubricated condoms. I mention this to Darling Husband and then start to wonder about the cloud of dust that came out of the package with the condom.
Darling Husband continues his investigation of the condom by putting his finger in the end and trying to unroll it a little, searching for the missing lube. It unrolls about a quarter inch, releasing more dust with each turn, before his finger rips completely through the end.
At this point, we start to laugh and I ask him to check the package for the expiration date.
The condom expired in December of 2011.
We couldn’t even have sex after this, because we were both laughing too hard as Darling Husband stood there with an old, dried-out, dusty, busted-ass condom around his finger. It got even funnier when he insisted on trying to put it on. That also did not go well.
So the moral of the story is, if you keep condoms in your wallet from back when you were single, check them to make sure they haven’t expired. I can only imagine what would have happened if I had given the condom to some amorous couple at a party or camping trip or something. They might not have found it as funny as we did!
Meanwhile, I guess we’d better buy a little pack of condoms, for those lazy afternoons when Darling Husband finds the sight of his cranky, sleepy wife irresistible!