- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
I was just reading the “worst insult” thread, and someone hit the nail on the head with one of their comments.
When I first met FH I was about 195lbs, He didn’t say anything about my weight, in fact he made me feel really good about myself and my body. I must have seen a picture of myself, and it kicked me into gear, and I tried Weight Watchers online. I was quite successful and got down to 160lbs, which is where I feel really good and healthy. I didn’t tell anyone except FH that I was doing weight watchers at first, because I don’t like people commenting on my food saying things like “oh, why are you eating that, I thought you were on a diet…” etc. and also to protect my ego if I failed. So when I had lost about 20lbs the comments started. My mom told me to stop losing weight, because I’m going to get anorexic. I’m thinking she was jealous or something, because at that point I was still overweight (and she does crazy crash diets). People at work started noticing, and most of the comments were really motivating. But the comments that really stuck with me were the “wow, you look so much better now”, “looking at an old picture of you, compared to you now, I guess you really were chubby”
When I got down to 160lbs I unfortunately got gallstones. Everything made me sick, I was living off of Boost nutritional supplements and chicken breast. For the few months prior to surgery I lost another 15lbs. I would have loved to stay at 145lbs, but the only way for me to maintain that is to practially starve. When I got the surgery, there were complications, and after a week in the hospital of eating nothing, I was down to 135lbs. My first mistake was to go clothes shopping. Nothing I owned fit, and it felt great trying on clothes being the slimmest I have ever been. Second mistake – eating everything in sight. Because I couldn’t eat anything before, I wanted to see if I could eat cookies, chips, ice cream etc. I could and I did – ALOT. Needless to say, I set myself up for even worse eating habits than I had before. And I have a system of validating my food choices as a reward for stress. And holy cow has these past few years been stressful. Just a few of the major events – FH lost his job, full time job + fostering 8 newborn kittens and their mom + school + FH broke his knee, Dad passed away suddenly .
I have eaten myself back up to around 185lbs. I have finally decided to donate all the clothes that I bought when I was at my slimmest, because I know there is no way for me to fit them again, and they just make me feel bad. The pair of “fat pants” that I kept as motivation…i.e “Look how much room I have in these now” – now fit me . And the comments that I received when I lost weight – “oh I guess you really were chubby” really bring me down. I have signed up for weight watchers again, but I don’t have the same motivation. I keep trying to “cheat” the system. I lose 2 lbs and then gain it right back, because I’m stressed out and then I eat, and then I feel bad, so I eat some more. I don’t how to feel better about myself at this point, so I can stay motivated. I understand now why it is so much harder to lose weight a second time.
Any one gone through something similar? any tips on how to stop stress eating? or the rewarding with food system?
Sorry for the incredibly huge post
ETA – Just for the record FH has always been supportive, and has not been one to make any of those type of comments.