I had to break up with my boyfriend due to his depression. I feel so guilty

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Don’t set yourself on fire just because someone else is cold. He CAN’T Give you a relationship. He was honest about it. Appreciate that gift and be kind to yourself.  You didn’t abandon him. 

Post # 17
Member
10532 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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Supernurse :  

How awful. It is so wrong of people to do that guilt laying thing, as l know to my cost too.  Yes l know they are troubled, but look what it leaves us with. We are so good at taking on guilt aren’t we!! 
l hope you are free of it now. 

Post # 18
Member
1584 posts
Bumble bee

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heyho123 :  you need to take care of your own mental health first. The help.he needs you can’t provide, and this is a lot for a new relationship to bear.

 

You are boing both of you a favor by untangling in this situation as he is not in the headspace to grow a new relationship. 

 

Be supportive, with love, but for sure, do you. 

Post # 19
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t see men through the mindset that any man who doesn’t want a commited serious long-term relationship with you is just using you for sex. Men have gradations of emotion too — you can like someone, enjoy his/her company (not just the sex)!, and maybe even think that in different circumstances you would be a great match, but not be living in circumstances in which the relationship makes sense. 

He did you a favor. I’ve dated someone who admitted he had simliar mental health issues, but instead of being upfront about what he couldn’t give, decided he would try for a relationship anyway because he thought I was “the one” and he didn’t want to miss his shot. It was awful. Worst relationship of my life.

He had ups and downs. When he was up, he was a doting, adoring boyfriend who loved me more than anything. In his downs, he was distant, remote, detached, cold, harsh, and sometimes cruel. He really struggled to adjust to his meds, and with one set of meds was prone to outbursts (not physical), and he burned a *lot* of relationships during that time (e.g. siblings, friends, etc.). More importantly, he burned me. I was emotionally unavailable for well over a year after we broke up, unwilling to go through that hell again. I would have been much better off if we had never dated. We both would have been much better off if he had said the things your guy said to you. 

 

Post # 20
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

You did the right thing. I’ve had relationships with depressed men and I WISH I got out early on. Walk away and don’t come back.

Post # 21
Member
7313 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

You weren’t married to him. No vows of through sickness or health had been made. You were never under any obligation to stick it out with him. Even if he hadn’t told you to go (which he very clearly did). Hopefully, he has some friends or family who are able/willing to stick with him while he navigates this time and gets some professional support. If he wasn’t actively seeking treatment, you shouldn’t have even been willing to consider staying with him.

Post # 22
Member
316 posts
Helper bee

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heyho123 :  he’s probably happy he’s just back to himself only. You’re lucky he was honest. It’s only 6 months in lady, perfect time to leave. Oh depression is a b word.

Post # 23
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2020

You did the right thing. Staying wouldn’t of have fixed him, or make you happy in the slightest. Feeling guilt is normal, you are human and you felt for him. It will take time to heal from this but you will. You will find someone who can give you what you need. Good luck bee!

Post # 24
Member
10997 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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maddie87 :  

Bee, a guy’s mother is the least reliable source of information on the planet.

The abuse was absolutely not *out of character*.  The guy is an abuser.  That’s why he abuses.

He hadn’t gotten around to you yet because you were still being groomed.  The big *confession* was meant to test you.  You stuck around after hearing this horror story.

The red flags jump right off the page.

* He was extremely attached to **her kid**?  Very scary stuff, Bee.

* He HIT AND CHOKED A WOMAN.

* He rushed you into a relationship.  You mentioned several times that he moved faster than you did, at ‘100 mph’.  This is a classic abuser tactic.  Get their prey locked down before his mask slips.

 

Staying on his best behavior for 4-5 months is nothing.  

I think this is something you really want to research, Bee.  This could have been hella dangerous for you had the government not intervened.

The fact that he was arrested, charged, convicted and ultimately jailed should raise your eyebrows as well.  In the US, getting yourself locked up is not that easy to do.  I have to wonder if he has priors or the victim had significant injuries.

Court records are public, Bee.

Belive about a third of what he tells you, and that’s extremely generous.

The hitting and choking were not a bolt from the blue.  No abuser starts with physical abuse.  It’s a process of escalation from verbal and emotional abuse.  Again, please study up on this stuff.

One comment about choking, Bee; know that it is EXTREMELY easy to KILL someone that way.  A simple miscalculation will end a person’s life.

 

Post # 25
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

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sassy411 :  You’re absolutely right. That’s the way to talk to someone who was in my state of mind. At the time I hadn’t had a chance to confide in someone between so many events happening. I did run a background check after he told me. I found no priors. That was a red flag in itself that I was having to run a background check. I’m just glad I followed my gut. As for his mom, I didn’t get the hunch she was trying to get me to stick around. We found ourselves alone for a few minutes and said he told her he finally told me and that she told him the sooner the better. And that they were shocked he did that and she couldn’t bail him out because of it. Either way, I didn’t know her long enough. One also just doesn’t like to believe that people who appear to be good people could possibly not be. Thank you for your thoughts.

Post # 26
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Never flush your life down the toilet for someone else. It’s a very nice and generous idea to say that everyone deserves to have a happy fulfilling relationship and marriage and even kids. But the reality is that many people don’t have what’s necessary to handle those things. Not everyone can have a relationship or kids. It’s sad but true. So don’t waste your energy feeling any guilt whatsoever for deciding that someone isn’t the one for you for WHATEVER reason. No one is “owed” your support and time and love. He has his own road and you have yours. These kinds of struggles aren’t anyone’s burden to bear but his. Someone’s need to have a relationship never ever entitles them the right to drag someone else down with them. 

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