I Hate All This Hatred – Vent

posted 2 years ago in Wellness
Post # 16
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

Aww, this is awful. I guess if you didn’t come from a small town you’d never have to see them again. I really hope you keep practicing self-caring thoughts and learn to feel like their opinions and judgements don’t matter so much (knowing it’s true is easy, feeling it’s true takes time). 

Post # 18
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

As the saying goes, you can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.

But really, what shitty people. You shouldn’t hate them. You should pity them. How said are their lives when they have to put down a kid/teenager and spread lies about other people to make them feel better? Do they really have nothing better to do with their time and energy? Sad.

The best thing for you to do, and honestly the best way to get back at them, is to just do you and do what makes you happy. I know it’s easier said than done, but imagine their annoyance when they can’t get a reaction out of you. How frustrating would it be for them when they negatively comment on your glasses and you just shrug and say you like them? How pissed will they be when you’ve told them you’ve already selected your cake with the help of an acutal professional? 

Also, if it were me I’d probably start to make a game out of it. Maybe you and your mom and sister can make bingo sheets with various insults.  And when you get bingo, the other two treat you to ice cream or something. Then you’ll actually be rooting for Diene to comment on your makeup or whatever. 

Anyway, I wish you luck and hope you are able to sort through this.

Post # 19
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

Just. Say. No.

These people clearly don’t like you. WHY on earth would you even THINK about inviting them to your wedding? You are in a “scapegoat” dynamic with these people, which is bizarre because they are not even your family! Your sister is the “golden child”, but you are the scape goat, and NOTHING you ever do will be good enough for them.

The only way to win is to not play.

Don’t invite them to your wedding!!!!

Post # 20
Member
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Stop being a masochist. 

Seriously, why are you looking for validation from people who never have, and likely never will, see your value? Maybe do yourself a favour and concentrate on the opinions of those people who love and adore you?

Not everyone in this world will see your worth, the problem here is your reaction to it. 

Post # 21
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I’m sorry – I really really don’t understand why the Smiths matter so much to you.  Did you live with them as a kid or are they your cousins or something?

If it’s possible, just cut them out of your lives.  What do they matter, ultimately?  Banish them to the past and be done with them.

Post # 22
Member
4846 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sorry, why do you give the slightest crap what these people think? I’m highly confused. 

Post # 23
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee

Next time they assume they are coming or in general act like assholes. Tell them to fuck off. Use those words. It’ll make you feel better, and you don’t care if they never talk to you again because they’re horrible people. So tell them to fuck off.

Post # 25
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

View original reply
megm1099 :  Well, you now your life and circumstances better than I ever can, so if they’re really unavoidable then you have my sympathies. 

But can I suggest something?  If you HAVE to deal with these people, try giving them a dose of their own medicine.  At the next gathering you see them at, give them a lukewarm hello (literally, grunt and move your hand a bit) and then start talking to someone else.  If they try to engage you, don’t respond with anything but “mmm” and then move on to talk to someone you prefer.  If they try to interrupt that, say something like “I’m in the middle of something here” or “Actually, this is private” (do NOT add “I’m sorry but”).  Repeat at all future gatherings.  They will either just go away (most likely) or go nuts trying to reestablish the dynamic where you were desperate for their attention and approval. 

They have NO power over you now, unless you grant it to them.  You aren’t a little kid looking for someone to play with.  These people are just the obnoxious old classmates who won’t go away – treat them like that.  Shift the dynamic and don’t let them call the shots anymore.

And love of everything, do NOT invite them to your wedding.

Post # 27
Member
1833 posts
Buzzing bee

I have been you to quite an extent.  I understand this more than you might think.  I am 58.

It has taken me my whole adult life to find that spot where I can tell myself it doesn’t matter what others think.  Most of the time it works, sometimes not as well as I would like it to.  Were you raised in a home where appearances to others was important?  I was and it was unacceptable to not hit the mark.  My guardian/aunt was awful.

If you can get into counseling again, please do.  Don’t give up.

My achilles hill in all of this is my father in law.  We hosted family Christmas this year in our new home.  We worked our whole lives to have a nice home and we do.  I can’t decorate my way out of a paper sack, but the house is there.

Anyhoo, I have a sister in law (BIL’s wife) who is the nicest, kindest person you could ever meet.  Everything she does is perfect.  Everything.  Her home is so well decorated and ALWAYS freaking spotless, she entertains like no other.  Yet, she is kind, humble, and unpretentious.  I so want to be like her so my father in law will see me in better eyes.  WHY DO I EVEN CARE??? My husband is the black sheep of the family and he let that roll off his back years ago.  Me, not so much so I am always trying to find that magic thing that will put me in a good light in FIL’s eyes.  WHY?

Well, for Family Christmas, DH’s 6 siblings, their families, and his dad were coming.  I spent days preparing, cleaning, cooking (and I did one heck of a job).  I was a wreck before they got there.

My older daughters have talked to me, my husband has talked to me and they don’t understand what goes on in my head.  Know what happened?  My 23 yo son came up and said “Mom, really, why do you care?  What difference does it make? Grandpa is who he is and he isn’t going to change (much like Mrs. Smith). Stop caring about what others think.  If Grandpa gives you any s&%^, I’ll take him to the basement and give him something with a high alcohol content.”

Why did my 23 yo son have the magic that no one else did?  I don’t know but I was proud of him for having an attitude of not worrying about what others thought about him.

Man that was long and drawn out.  Sorry.

I will share with you the very best piece of advice I have ever received in my life.  It was regarding my horrid aunt/guardian whom I could never please.  It goes like this:  “Stop going to a dry well looking for water.  You will always be thirsty.”

The Smith’s are a very dry well.

If you have your mother’s support can’t she start distancing the Smiths from the family events?

Post # 28
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

 

View original reply
megm1099 :  this obsession isn’t healthy. You need to let this go.

It sounds like you are living in the past.

Concentrate the mind on the present moment.

I would try meditation if you aren’t willing or ready to go to therapy or cognitive therapy.

 

There is a great app called Insight Timer that is free and useful. 

 

Good luck to you. 

Post # 30
Member
1833 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
megm1099 :  Well, you know to keep Sara out of any conversations regarding the Smiths’ coming to the wedding!

Kudos to your mom for supporting you.

I hope you find your version of my son, the one who says what others have told you so many times, but for once, it makes sense and you can embrace it.  Keep trying!!

Oh, my perfect sister in law?  (she really is an awesome person) and I go to Weight Watchers together.  She has lost all her weight (and looks perfectly fabulous) and now goes so she can maintain.  I am only a few months into the program and while I have lost 20 pounds, I have a hard time working on not comparing myself to her, and not trying to be her.  I have made some strides!!  I keep telling myself God made me the way he wanted me, I just have to keep that on my heart.

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