- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2013
I don’t know if you remember but I posted some time ago about my husband going to a bachelor party and getting wasted and going to a strip club which I was very upset about. The post can be found http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/the-dreaded-bachelor-party-caused-a-fight-6-days-before-the-wedding#axzz2VdQrM4La.
But to sum it all up… From the beginning of our engagement my husband and I decided we would not do the stripper thing for our parties, he brought it up in the first place saying he didn’t feel comfortable with me going to one so we agreed neither of us would go. When it got closer to the time of the parties I brought it up and reminded him of the agreement. Eventually though his friend “would not let it go” and I asked him repeatedly to please not go. I told him it would hurt me if he went. I asked repeatedly for him to not go. He said he would try not to and often times would say “I’ll just let X go in but I’ll go to the local bar for some drinks”. Well I guess all feelings went out the window because he went to the strip club and was there for 3+ hours and spent money there when we were pretty broke from the wedding. He also went to a bar, took his shirt off and the bartender spanked him with a belt. I really find this all borderline cheating but that’s neither here nor there opinion wise, the issue is that he did this KNOWING it would hurt me. He has since apologized many times. Said he was a real jerk and that he did it because he felt like it was one last night where he could do anything without caring how anyone felt. What the?! OK so I let it go, kind of.
Then he goes out during my bachelorette party when he was supposed to be staying with my daughter (his parents ended up watching him) and drinks with his friends again the night before the wedding. It wasn’t a big deal but he intentionally didn’t tell me and said he didn’t want me to be mad. I honestly fully would not have been mad had he been honest with me, but when he hides something like going out with his friends it makes me question how much he hides from me in an effort to not upset me. I don’t like this. He doesn’t need to give me details of the night just a simple “Hey, I went downtown with the guys last night” would have been plenty. But I found out from his friend instead. Our relationship started off rocky so we’ve both been very honest and open about everything for the last 3 years. I don’t like that he hid something from me like he did before. He also used to battle a drinking problem early on in life and when we met I helped him overcome it. The weeks leading up to the wedding he started drinking a lot again and getting drunk, on the honeymoon he got drunk and 3 weeks after the wedding he was getting drunk. Granted these are all reasons to celebrate (after the wedding he finished school and drank to celebrate) but it’s all just reminding me of the beginning of our relationship when it was rocky. The whole “Let me live my life” thing happened a lot in the beginning and that’s what it feels like in regards to the bachelor party. The intentionally keeping something from me was how it was in the beginning, like when he was always over at a girls house he swore was a full blown lesbian and just his friend when months later I find out they had a sexual history he lied about. And the drinking and getting wasted.
In the last few weeks, apart from the celebrating his schooling, he’s been back to the way he was the last 3 years of our relationship. Wonderful and caring.
Now I trust my husband, I honestly do. I love him and I know he loves me and he wont cheat on me. Problem is, even though I’ve forgiven him for the strip club and all, I’m finding myself going back to the way I was when we were first dating after I found out about his “friend”. I’m getting more jealous and yesterday he was in the gas station and when the girl in front of him in line walked out the store he turned his whole body to watch her walk out the store. We have an agreement he wont check females out when I’m around, but it looked like he did so I got upset. I over reacted I know that. I didn’t yell at him or anything but it got me really down, I just cut my hair (posted about that as well) and was dressed up really nice for when he got home and he didn’t notice the hair cut and I thought he was checking out another woman in my presence, which is a no no in our relationship. I got really down about this for a couple hours. He said he didn’t check anyone out and doesn’t know what I was talking about but apologized anyways, typically if I was way off the map on this sort of thing he would get upset with me, this time he just kept apologizing.
I know I sound like some jealous freak or something and I hate that. I don’t want to get upset when he looks at another woman. But I felt so betrayed after the bachelor party and ever since my jealousy has gotten worse. I feel us slipping back to the beginning where we weren’t so stable. We had a great relationship but his boundaries with females was blurred back then and there was quite a bit of drinking.
I’m of course determined to stick with my marriage and fix any problems that come up which is why I’m here. Being jealous isn’t healthy, not this kind of jealousy at least, and I don’t want to make matters worse by over reacting so much. I just don’t know how to get over the betrayal from the bachelor party, maybe that trust has to grow again. I know he loves me and is happy for me but I think my recent jealousy is the reason he was checking out the girl in the gas station. From what I’ve read in cosmo, the jealous girls kind of push their SO into wanting other femals, I sure as heck don’t want to do that.
I guess I’m venting and looking for advice. Feel free to tell me to just get over it, maybe that’s what I need to hear. What do you think we should do here? What should I do? What would you do?