(Closed) I hate her. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I am in the same situation as you I think. My Future Mother-In-Law and I used to get along famously but as soon as he asked me to marry him she has been a nutcase. We got into a huge blow out on thanksgiving. She’s totally insane.  Anywho, after a lot of advice and speaking with my therapist I was basically told that I need to just deal with the fact that she’s part of my life. That asking my FH to stand up for me, is unfair (he also claims he’s bad at confrontation), and that even discussing my hatred for her with him is wrong. So that’s where I am at.

Post # 4
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ItalianLady:  First I would remove her from your facebook page.  There is nothing that says you have to friend your husband’s family.  Especially such a negative member at that.

You have a couple of options.  You can go to her and try to calmly tell her how you feel.  See how she responds and go from there.  Be prepared for her to have accusations of things you may have done.  Be prepared to apologize if you need to for things that hurt her feelings as well.

Other than that, just ignore it.  If your husband doesn’t seem disappointed that the two of you don’t get along, then don’t worry about it.  Easier said that done I know.

I am lucky, my Mother-In-Law and I get along great!  She is a wonderful woman who is there when we need her and backs off when we don’t.

My Dad had a bad Father-In-Law situation.  My grandfather did not like my Dad (loooong story) for years.  My Dad was patient, he took the higher road and just treated my grandfather with respect.  He still visited with him and had conversations with him.  Eventually my grandfather did come around and he and my Dad had a good relationship before he passed away.

Good luck!  I am sure you will do what is best!

Post # 5
Member
3620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Removing her as a FB friend may cause more problems – I would recommend updating your privacy settings so that she can only view/reply on certain things…

Post # 6
Member
3575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

May I also ask if she is Italian?  It sounds like she really needs to get a freakin’ grip.  And I was sad to hear your husband won’t say anything to her.  May I ask again if he’s a mama’s boy? 

If you go speak with her on your own, I would talk with your husband beforehand so he’s aware of your plan and can SUPPORT you and your decision. 

Post # 7
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I know what it feels like to not have an SO stand up for you. I was in a serious relationship once and my boyfriend’s sister just HATED me. She did all sorts of horrible nasty things to me and said things that were very hurtful. When I asked my boyfriend to please stand up for me (He was in a good position to, he and his sister are close and he probably would have been able to talk it out with her) but he was also “not one for confrontation”. He just didn’t want to get his hands dirty by getting involved. It was extremely frustrating for me that he would just stand by while his sister attacked me, and I wasn’t even his wife! I would definitely tell your husband that he has to stand by his wife. That doesn’t mean he has to be mean to his mother, but anything that hurts and effects you should be his problem aswell.

As for dealing with your Mother-In-Law herself… I would just try and let it go for the time being. try to find another way to deal with your anger for now since it seems like she is not actively bothering you anymore.

Post # 8
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s a real, valid feeling from a mothers point of view to lose a son. They always say you keep your daughters but lose your sons.

I would get over it and move forward with your life. People make mistakes, she apologized and tried to explain how she was feeling, and you can’t really blow that off because you don’t like her answer. I think you need to put things in perspective, really it’s not that big of a deal. Even if she was Queen B!tch to you during your planning, it is not worth the drama and the stress that holding a grudge does.All the negative energy will get you nowhere.

If you have a problem with your husband not standing up to her, then talk to him. For me, I know that it can be a difficult transition time, going from protecting mom to protecting wife, and I would cut him some slack. Especially since he tried his best, what more do you want?

Post # 10
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m on the other side of this situation – it’s MY parents that are the absolute jerks to my Fiance. Like I tell my Fiance, “I know my parents are assholes & I’m perpetually sorry for it”. And I am, I hate that my parents are like that!!

What I do: 1) I don’t make him come home with me when I visit, nor do I include him in stuff my mom & I have planned (he’s more than fine with it, he’s not too fond of my mother either). (Thankfully my mom lives 8 hours away so we don’t get together too often! Small mercies!)2) I’ve also made it clear that I will not tolerate any put-downs or negative discussions from either of them on the subject. He is my Fiance. She is my mother. I don’t want to/can’t get rid of either of them. I refuse to be put in the middle of their problems with each other. My Fiance understands this, even though I know it hurts him. (Again, with the perpetually sorry thing; it just never stops.)My mom, not so much; but that’s where the “I am not discussing this” catchphrase comes into play.

I would suggest your husband set clear boundaries with his mother on what is acceptable in regards to the subject of you. It doesn’t have to be confrontational – just a firm “I will not discuss this, or the relationship between you two, etc” and then he needs to STICK TO IT.

As for you, unfortunately you’re tied to her for the next couple of decades. I would limit my time around her and when there’s no avoiding it, to just be civil and polite towards her. You don’t need to be friends, or even like each other, but you do need to have a basic relationship for the sake of your husband. As much as it sucks. 🙁

Perhaps you could start a journal so you have a place to vent about about his mother instead of your husband? (tTust me, its awkward and totally unfair to be put in the middle, IT SUCKS!) and, oh! Don’t forget – Eat lots of chocolate! It helps.

(I also like to remember this quote: “Keeping a grudge is like letting a person live rent free in your head”. It’s EXHAUSTING to hold onto all that anger.)

Post # 12
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

If it helps I can’t stand my SIL she is SO rude to me. She called me a “spoiled rotten little princess bitch” over text message to my husband. He hasn’t talked to her since, and it is just making her even more mad. The best part is that my family paid for her airfare for her AND her husband and their hotel room. She thinks that my family and I like to “rub money in other peoples faces to make them feel bad..” Uh, okay? You’re the one who said you couldn’t come without help…

His mom called me and said “Katy is a bitch, we all know it. She’ll come around and the rest of us love you!”

So maybe she will come around, but until then I just wouldn’t worry about it. I wouldn’t give her the time of day, honestly.

Post # 13
Member
3575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I also think there is something to be said with being the bigger person which, in this situation, it sounds like you’ve been.  I’m sorry you’re going through this…and everyone else in similar situations.  Keep your chin up!

Post # 15
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

@ItalianLady: If it is still happening, next time she posts something on your facebook, just delete it. Next time she says something nasty, say “I don’t appreciate that” or “I don’t agree” etc. You didn’t mention that it is continuing, you said that it happened during your planning and she apologized, so I do think you need to get over the past and move on. It is seriously not worth your health to keep this negative energy built up. Accept that she isn’t the nicest person, don’t stoop to her level, and move on. Are you in contact with her every day? Often? You can limit your contact, or better yet, you can make an effort to get her to like you. (Have you seen Monster In Law?)

You also said yourself “He tried his best but “is not one for confrontation” (His words).” So did he try his best or not? You can’t force him to mediate between you and his mother, it isn’t fair to him.

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