(Closed) I hate her. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 47
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA well its never too late to curse someone out! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 48
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry you are dealing with this drama.  Couldn’t imagine how bad it was for you.

You really can’t expect your DH to do anything about it though.  My Fiance is also the ‘non confrontational’ type, and he does everything he can to passify his mother and let things be with her.  His parents got divorced when he was in middle school and there’s all kinds of drama with her because of it, and her 3 sons are all ‘yes men’ because they don’t care enough to ever tell her the truth.  It’s quite sad actually.

You should do your best to keep telling yourself that she is not the type of person worth your energy or emotions, because she’s not.  If you tell yourself that enough, you might start to think her actions are so petty and childish that it’s funny.

Good Luck.

Post # 49
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@mcnetn3: Hmm good point. 

Post # 50
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I would let the woulda, coulda, shoulda feelings go and just focus on what you can do NOW.  I totally get them, I do but they do not do anything for you except bring you down.  So I say learn from your past mistakes and deploy them in the future.  It is never too late to start.

I had that sensation in my belly until a couple of months ago (probably 10 months into our marriage); I couldn’t even look at our wedding pics until a couple of weeks ago. 

And asking your husband to stand up for you is unfair?  That’s the craziest load I have heard of in a long time.  I feel that if he doesn’t do something, he is essentially saying that he is okay with the way his mom is to you.  And if he is okay with it, I sure as heck do not want to be married to that.  Should he take a stand?  Absolutely.  You think cutting yourself out of her life is going to do anything?  Absolutely not.  It would be welcomed.  Just think about it; you don’t like your DIL so she says adios, no more visits but you still have access to your son and kids.  Picture perfect world in her eyes- you get everything you ever wanted.  But when it’s her own flesh and blood, you hope it makes more of an impact.  If it was my family, I absolutely would take everything it takes to stand up for my husband, even if it means they no longer want anything to do with me.  If our roles were flipped right now, I would not be in contact with my family until they accept us as a couple.  But Mother-In-Law is pushing DH away gigantic steps at a time (I have not posted this here but she made him choose between us during our first visit since the wedding and when he walked away she made him take every single thing from his childhood that she had kept out of her house; she is currently out of the country and did not tell DH- she told everyone on FB but not her son (I was not surprised about this but DH is) and now she is taking him out of her will, essentially.  So while her actions point at her, I still get the blame from her. 

It’s a crazy road to travel; you don’t want to be a bitch and say he can’t see his family but at the same time, you don’t think it’s fair they get everything they want.

ETA: I’m not saying for your DH to do everything here.  If you have tried and it goes nowhere, then yes he needs to step in.   

Post # 51
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

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@ItalianLady: Maybe its in a good way? Wishful thinking. You could always be antagonistic and say “Hey, someone had to clean up the mess his mother left ๐Ÿ˜‰ “

Post # 53
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

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@ItalianLady:Or “Not good, your son apparently knows how to get out of handcuffs without a key”

By The Way, My Future Mother-In-Law would write something like yours did, and we joke pretty often that her son is a mess because they spoiled him. She always says  “Well he’s your now!”. To us it’s in jest, so maybe if you just try to look at it like she’s not attacking you (because you have to admit your a bit jaded towards her) then it’ll all seem brighter?

Post # 55
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

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@ItalianLady: Well, Maybe he’s amazing now with you in his life ๐Ÿ˜‰

(I’m trying darnit! Quit making it hard to be positive!)

Post # 57
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I do think it is important to be able to communicate your feelings with your Mother-In-Law but I also think it is important for your husband to support you. If my parents ever spoke rudely to my husband I would ask that they discontinue or we could not visit anymore. I love my parents very much but I think that behaviour like that is inappropriate. I know that my husband has stood up for me a couple times against his mom and I really appreciate that. It is important to me to know that we both support each other. I think there has to be a balance. I really hope that it all works out for you and I hope that your husband can find a way to say that he finds his mothers behaviour inappropriate and that he won’t tolerate it anymore.

 

Good luck!!!

Post # 58
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@bebefly and @Belle2Be- sounds like we have the same mom. ๐Ÿ™

@ItallianLady- I have not experienced what you’re going through, but it really makes me sad hearing about mean MILs. FI’s family is just the sweetest towards me, but he has also been married before, so I guess they’ve already worked through those demons if they ever had them.

My mom has always been the nicest, funniest and sweetest mom, but my Fiance is like the biggest pill for her to swallow and she tries to cover it up, but you can just tell she really doesn’t care much for him. She will make comments slight-of-hand style in the middle of a conversation, and it just blindsides you and you’re left wondering what the HELL she meant by saying that completely inappropriate comment. She doesn’t come right out and say what she thinks. She is very passive aggressive about it, but it’s noticeable.

Fiance wants me to speak up next time it happens to defend him, but the way she pulls it off is so under-the-table and subtle that it’s not like I can give a snap reaction and condemnation of what she just said. But I know I need to at some point. I do not want her to think she can get away with the snide comments she’s been making towards Fiance and his family. I just don’t know if I can bring up a specific instance that happened previously, or if I just have to be on my toes waiting for the next slip for me to jump on her to put a stop to it. I don’t even know if she realizes she’s doing it. Surely she does though, right!? Blahhhh, mom, I love you, but you’re being a real snot and making Fiance not like you. ๐Ÿ™

Sorry, if that was completely unhelpful to you, but it helped me to type it out.

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