Post # 1
I am really concerned about this. People say that when you marry a guy you marry the entire family and just the thought of having his Mom around makes me cringe!
I think her influence on Fi is bad! Every single time Fi talks to her he turns into a “sensitive baby”. She enables him a behaviour that is not ok. it is hard to explain but basicaly she says that everything he does is perfect and the world is wrong!
She doesn’t give him constructive criticism, she just says he is correct in everything.
And I can’t say a wod! I have learned already that he will cut me off in a second if I ever say anything about his Mom.
Now he is talking about moving back to his home state to stay close to her! ARGH! This won’t be good!
How to deal with it?
Post # 3
@cobalt21: You just deal with it. Nothing you can do. It’s her son, it’s his mother and if you plan on marrying this boy, you need to accept her as a part of the family as well.
Post # 4
@MrsHart2Bee: Agreed. My Future Mother-In-Law is kinda crazy, but thankfully my SO is aware of it. He, out of all his siblings, stands up to her the most.
Is she being manipulative? Is she meddling in your relationship? Is she vindictive? Sometimes MIL’s can be annoying yes, but if they aren’t malicious there is nothing you can or should do.
Post # 5
She is totally manipulative! She wants me to get married in the venue she likes and she wants me to have a wedding party (which I do not want) just because her grandkid (FI’s niece—a brat bTW) wants to be in it! SeeriouslY? i would not invite her anyway.
Oh, she tells him what clour of car to buy, what type of sheets to buy. I am not being picky, she is crazy and thinks Fiance is still 5 years old!
Post # 6
@cobalt21: Then he needs to stand up to her or you will have issues.
My SO was getting gifts (dumb ones fit for a child) from his mom and she was doing his laundry when he would go home. I told him to have her knock it the hell off he was not a child. He stood up to her though.
Either your Fiance has to stand up for you, or you will continiously have this same problem.
Post # 7
Holy cow I hope I am never like that with my son!! Start thinking about what boundaries you have now and set them! Sounds like an awful MIL!
Post # 8
@Rush1986: Yup, yup, yup. This is your FH’s problem…..not his mother’s.
Post # 9
Wow….I’m not even sure what to say. That’s a tough situation. I’m not sure what you can do about this but if it really bothers you I would think twice as this is most likely something that is not going to change. You will need to accept it if you marry him or have a heart to heart talk and let him know how his behavior with hsi mother bothers you.
Post # 10
@Cobalt21 I understand how frustrating this can be, totally what Rush1986 says if this is not fixed NOW you will have to deal with it forever…
Boundaries do need to be set by HIM because its HIS mom, together you and he can decide what those boundaries need to be.
Just know, that if he is not in agreeance on you with this issue, then you will be outnumbered by him and his mom…not a good situation.
And will you be okay living like that during your marriage?
Post # 11
He needs to set the boundaries. I was in a similar situation with my Fiance and his whole damn family, he sit the boundaries (it wasn’t a pretty process). I’m attempting to mend things over with his family and we will just see how it goes. I was in your boat of saying “I hate his family” but that’s not going to get me anywhere so we both needed to change our way of thinking and if his family doesn’t then that’s their problem.
ETA: There may be resistance from his point though as he has his mom pretty much adore the ground he walks on, he may not want that to change. I did have to postpone our wedding until he did set his boundaries because they were butting their heads in everything about the wedding while they were not paying for anything. I told him if he doesn’t set the boundaries now they will only continue to do that for everything else and I’m not okay with that.
Post # 12
I have a lot of experience with horrible in-laws.
Both of you have to be on the same page and set boundaries with his family. If you don’t the problems will just keep getting worse and your relationship will suffer. He’s choosing to marry you, not his mother. You should be his number one priority. Her behavior might be acceptable to him, but it’s obviously not for you and he should be considerate of your feelings.
Post # 13
Oh do I ever know where you are coming from! Even though Future Mother-In-Law lives six hours away she still thinks she knows everything. Right now she’s demanding that we set a date even though she knows that we aren’t getting married until I graduate from college in the next few years. She also has that she knows the venue that we should get married at, etc, etc…
Fiance (before he was FI) used to be a huge mommy’s boy. But I had to put my foot down and tell him that he has to be an adult and if he isn’t than he isn’t the man for me. I’d rather go through that heartache than have a third person in our marriage. Now, he says that he loves the freedom of being able to actually say “no” to her. I don’t know if that will work for you, but you need to decide what you can deal with and what is a dealbreaker.
Best of luck
Post # 14
He won’t set any boundaries! THAT is the problem!
He says: “it is MY Mom” and that is the END of the story! That is why i am so concerned about this!
She manipulates him to do whatever she wants and he just can’t see it!
it is So frustrating!
Post # 15
I’m sorry, but you’re engaged to a mama’s boy.
I totally disagree with Mrs.Hart2Bee
You need to ask yourself if you can live this way until she dies (and even then, it may continue if he “saints” her after death) or if you can’t & he has to make changes by setting boundaries, standing up to her and always choosing YOU #1 over his mommy. He will probably deny there’s any problem, or try to fob you off with platitudes of “can you suck it up for me?”, “but she’s my MOM!”, or “that’s just the way she is”, “i’m trying to keep the peace” etc. etc. Don’t let him get away with this. Nip it in the bud, now. Begin as you mean to go on. Otherwise, if he enables Future Mother-In-Law to run roughshod over you at your wedding, it will continue with not respecting ANY of your rights as an independent adult, and head of your own family – from her decorating your house, claiming all holidays, coming on vacation with you, being mommy to your children and wife to your husband. If he’s unwilling or unable to set boundaries & change, then you should seriously reconsider marrying him.
And FWIW, I would suggest starting with this: “when you go all widdle baby boy around mumsie, it makes my girlie parts shrivel up and hide.”
Post # 16
I didn’t see your update before I posted.
You should be concerned. It’s not a good sign that he is unwilling to compromise at all.
“But it’s my MOM!” should be met with the response of “And I’m going to be your WIFE! Are you telling me that my needs and wants aren’t going to be your #1 priority over all others?” And truly listen to what he has to say – he’s telling you what your future holds.