(Closed) I HATE his Mom!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
3457 posts
Sugar bee

I think this is more of a problem with your Fiance than your Future Mother-In-Law. You need to tell him that he needs to stand up for you against his mom, if need be.

Post # 33
Member
2200 posts
Buzzing bee

I have a momma’s boy. It took some time to get him to understand that boundariesa needed to be created- we had a lot of fights, he had to go back home to his mother a time or two, but he finally got it. I would talk to him about how this makes you feel and that you are unhappy in a relationship like this. If it came to extremes, you may have to let him know that this is a deal breaker. Stand up for yourself and see how he changes. Ithe doesn’t, you will have to reconsider this relationship.

Post # 34
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@cobalt21:  “When you marry the man, you marry the family.”  FALSE.  Last time I checked you don’t share a bed with your Mother-In-Law, or make babies with your Father-In-Law, or share a home with your Brother-In-Law.  That saying is crap.

While yes you should try to maintain some semblance of a relationship with the in-laws, you do not have to be another daughter (i.e. someone else for them to manipulate, force their opinions on, etc).  At minimum you need to work on having a civil, cordial relationship. 

To the OP, I’d have a serious chat with your fiance and make sure he understands that you and he are a family now.  It does not mean his parents go away or he cuts ties with them.  But he has to establish some healthy boundaries.  YOU are the person he talks to about his feelings, YOU are the person he turns to in times of strife, YOU are the person he comes to for advice. 

I think if you feel this way now, a marriage is only going to exacerbate this issue.  And you don’t have to say “I hate your Mom, she annoys me.”  You could approach the subject like this – “Honey, I know your Mom is very important to you and because of that your relationship with her is also important to me.  But I need to trust you to treat our marriage as priority number one in our lives.”  And take it from there.

Good luck.

Post # 35
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@JemmaWRX:  Ok I saw your updates after I posted.  This is a problem and would hold off on any wedding plans until this is sorted out (or you end it). 

For what it’s worth, I went through this with my guy.  A little different in that he didn’t run to her for advice, move heaven and earth to make her happy, etc.  BUT – he would not address issues with her because she is overly sensitive.  It was kind of like – “I know my fiancee is upset, but my Mom is going to be MORE upset, so I’ll just wait for this to blow over.”  And I laid his ass out for it.  I said “I’m going to be your wife and I have to be #1, do you understand that?  If you don’t, I will not marry you.”  That whipped his ass into shape.  And we’ve talked about it since and I trust that he fully comprehends this concept now.

OP – seriously, if he doesn’t change, you have two options – 1.  Spending a lifetime taking a backseat to his Mommy, or 2.  Ending it.  I’m sorry.

Post # 36
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I love having a momma’s boy. I even remind him to call her each day because I know she is stressed out dealing with a sick husband. Don’t get me wrong, there have been little things over the years that bothered me(like her writing his checks to pay his bills and just having him sign them), but nothing that I couldn’t get past.

Post # 37
Member
4932 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsBroccoli:  to me… family is family….I’ve grown up in a family that closes in around you and helps you when you need it. (even my grandma who is a bit hard to deal with is there when you need her…she would do it for my mum too).

part of that protection and support from family is accepting and trying to work with everybodies peccadilloes and eccentricities…because at the end of the day everyone has faults and most people are generally good people by nature. (misguided maybe and wrong in certain situations…but people are generally good…i refuse to believe otherwise)

I personally wouldn’t cause unnecissary confrontation  in my partners family….or make him choose…as I know that each family has its own dynamic that works for them. I also believe that most families are disfunctional in a fuctional way….and thats fine too.

If my partner chose to rock the boat and and set more boundries or change his role in the family…then I would support him 100 percent. But being constantly in my partners ear and forcing the situation would make it hard for him….and I would never want to do that ever.  So sometimes you just have to accept family is family.


 

Post # 38
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Before deciding to hate his mom, you should take a big look at your Fi. You said she babys him, and goes along with everything he says, then you say she manipulates him? It sounds like he a huge part of this issues as it sounds like he more then liklyu manipulating his mother also.

The real issue here is between you and your Fi once you tackle that then it time for BOTH of you to put some boundaries in place for mom.

Post # 39
Member
1484 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@cmsgirl:  I understand where you’re coming from, but I think the OP has gotten to her personal threshold and unnecessary confrontation is becoming necessary. 

I don’t know that a wife (or marriage) can survive if a husband is more concerned with his Mother’s happiness than his wife’s happiness. Sooner or later, the two opinions/desires/needs will be at odds. OP should not have to live her life the way her mother in law dictates. If her Fiance wants to be mama’s widdle baybeee boy he’ll never be OP’s supportive husband.

Post # 40
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I wouldn’t marry a guy who puts his mother on a pedestal so she can crap on his fiancee.

Post # 41
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Hi, I read your post thinking how glad I am not to have that issue, then I thought maybe the mother is feeling a bit of empty nest syndrome or feeling a little left out of the whole wedding thing? Would it be an idea to maybe get to know her a bit better. I dunno maybe call her up and just talk about anything at all. Maybe the distance between yourself and her and your dislike for each other is making him want to be closer to her. 

 

When I call my mum and dad, I always pass the phone to my boyfriend because it’s important to me that they get to know him and vice-versa. If its a few minutes once a week or every now and then it might improve things between you and you never know you might actually get to like each other.

Post # 41
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I am in exactly the same situation and always think that maybe I am paranoid. I feel a bit relaxed to know that actually it might be that my mother in law is wrong and not me. After all I m 27 she’s 50 something. In the begin in I helped her with child minding so I spent too much time with her even if I didn’t have more than a year relationship with my boyfriend . She is the “perfect mother., overprotective, keeping young and fun”. I truly hate her, she talked too much about my make up, she wants me to dress up, she wants to be the center of attention in a family gathering and she manages, while making it seem she is a kind person, who puts other people needs on first place. She makes it look as though she is working so hard to keep the family, being single mother and she always buys us groceries, especially my boyfriends favourite things. Seems like everything I do fades in favour of everything she does. Also she buys us decorations for the house, carpets, linen, all sorts of Christmas decorations, paintings, all cheap, she buys me flowers all the time, and recently a Christmas plan. I try to be polite, but I think she visits too often, and she rings insistently. She has also 2 daughters, and when I try to buy presents for them like body lotions or cream, my boyfriend tells me they have things more refined than I could ever buy for them. Also the one that’s closer to my age she cooks the best cheesecake. I HATE HIS mother and sister an I have a thousand more things and reasons why. Indeed I want to be his number 1 and it s kind of hard with such perfect exponents in his fucking family. 

Post # 42
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

If he can’t get on your team, drop him and find someone who will. 

Post # 43
Member
30393 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This thread is 4 years old. I doubt the OP needs any more opinions.

Post # 44
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

View original reply
cobalt21:  You put up with it,  exit the marriage, or risk it ruining the marriage. This is the very reason I grew up without a family whose members loved each other. Mom could not get over Mother-In-Law, dad wasn’t going to go against his mother, dad didn’t support mother…very messy, full of hurt and not what you want your kids to go through. 

Post # 45
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

She sounds exactly like my FMIL! She is a very sweet lady but drives me insane. My Fiance has worked really hard to build motivation in life because she never taught him how to work for anything.  I feel like I have to remind him sometimes that we are going to be married and his momma needs to take a back seat. Try talking to him about how it makes you feel less important instead of how much she drives you nuts.

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