I Hate How Jealous I Am of my Fiance's Female Friend – Help!

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3495 posts
Sugar bee

Well, I was side-eying your whole story until I got to the part about her telling you she unfollowed you on social media because she thought you dont like her “because she’s friends with your FI.” Up to that point I thought you’re probably being paranoid and need  to rein yourself in, but now I am not so sure. If she really saw your FI as a purely platonic friend, she would want to be your friend too…she’d want to make that effort. Instead she is doing the opposite. It’s just sketchy.

I also totally agree that it’s inappropriate your FI went over to her place alone to comfort her after her break-up. In the context of everything else you’ve written, that would not fly with me, it’s just crossing a boundary I wouldn’t be comfortable with.

I think it’s time for a calm hear to heart with FI about this. Don’t make it about one particular event (like the art show). Wait for a calm moment and just tell him you’re really uncomfortable with how close he is to this girl because of x, y, and z, and that you’d appreciate it if he would scale it back. YOU should be his first priority, not this other girl. 

Post # 3
Member
9613 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think you’re out of line and I feel he is or is getting close to being.  If my husband were spending a lot of quality time with another woman without my being included I would not like it, honestly.  I trust him and I understand people of the opposite sex can be platonic friends.  However, I have platonic male friends but don’t spend one-on-one time alone with them for extended periods of time, I just don’t, and my husband doesn’t spend time with platonic female friends alone, either.  It works for us because we agreed long ago that neither of us would be comfortable with that situation.

In your case, though, you’re already in this situation and your FI has a close female friend.  He has as much right to choose to spend time with her as he does to spend time with a male friend.  If you trust him you just have to trust him.  In your place I would make my feelings clear to him, not in a controlling way but in a way he should be able to understand and have compassion for what you’re going through.  And ask him to put himself in your shoes, if you had a close male friend how would he want you to behave?

The bottom line, though, is you can’t control anyone else’s actions and you can’t prevent him from doing whatever it is he’s going to do.  He either loves you and is faithful or isn’t.  Either way you’ll be ok.  If he ends up having an inappropriate relationship with his female friend you’ll know it’s time to cut him out of your life and find someone faithful and more deserving of you.

Post # 4
Member
1225 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Hard question.  For what it’s worth, this would really, really bother me.  It seems like three bad things coming together–any personal insecurity & unresolved issues from the long distance time; her recognizing that you aren’t comfortable about her and still not doing anything to make sure she’s showing you she’s not a “threat” (like telling your fiance to invite you along or something); and third–fiance obviously does have very strong feelings and care for her.  Even if platonic, if he’s choosing a friend (female or male) over you and kind of “disguising” what he’s doing and with whom, that’s a bad sign of bigger problems.

I suggest thinking through these scenarios if it weren’t a female–what issues would still bother you, how would you handle it, etc.  Then list specific things that concern you here, and you need to sit with fiance, calmly and coolly as you can and tell him what youre feeling.  If he loves you and wants to protect your relationship, you can both come up with a game plan for him to show you that he’s respecting the boundaries you expect.  And you can tell him how hard you’re working to trust him, but that this still makes you uncomfortable, and try to come up with a couple practical solutions for solving the problem.  maybe the three of you hanging out intentionally, maybe he doesn’t go over alone to her house–they only hang out in public or something…? 

Post # 5
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee

When you talk to him, make sure to use I statements and not YOU statements (I teach a class on relationships and relationship awareness and that’s one of the first things we teach). 

On the other hand, I will say I can understand her saying that she feels you might not like her (again, I’m not siding with her or against her, just sharing an opinion). My FI has female friends. I’ve never met them, and I don’t really care to. I don’t want to be friends with them, and if they tried to reach out to me, I’d probably accept a friend request, but unfollow them so I wouldn’t see them. I have a weird jealousy thing that if it were up to me, he wouldn’t talk to another female. But, I compromise with myself that its fine, because hey, I have male friends I’ve been friends with nearly 30 years, and I’m sure he isn’t thrilled about it, so I’m not telling him he can’t be friends with them, I just personally don’t want to be their friend, so in that case, I’m sure I’d give off that impression to them. 

But all in all, talk to him, use I statements and not You statements and see where it goes. 

Post # 6
Member
798 posts
Busy bee

Yeah this seems kind of weird but maybe he is honestly niave. I would trying talking to him and putting all these instances into a different perspective, as if he was in your shoes and you were the one with a male friend, and see if that clears his mind up a bit. Unfortunately in the end it comes down to who matters most to him, because if its you he would drop this friend, or atleast spend less time with her to make you happy… thats what should matter most to him. 

 

Hope it works out!

Post # 7
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My male friends don’t flirt with their sisters. My husband doesn’t flirt with his SIL or wives of his cousins etc. The fact that he is flirty with Tina makes me feel like he doesn’t really think of her like a sister.

This would never fly with me, not one bit. The art show invite incident I just can’t even comprehend. Everything about this screams that they want to be together. It’s almost like one of those cheesy movie plots where the best friends decide after years of bad timing and just being friends that they want more and end up married happily ever after.

Post # 8
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

wunderlost:  I’d be extremely uncomfortable in your situation and would put him in a position of “it’s me or her”, where he has to cut ties with one or the other. I know it’s not the best thing to do, but I would not appreciate that at all.

Post # 9
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I would talk to him.. put it in perspective for him… how would he feel if you had a close relationship with another guy, and went to hang out with him alone, or asked the other guy on ‘friend-dates’ without asking him? 

Post # 10
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Honestly, Tina isnt your main problem, she may seem like she is, but she is Not, she is a symptom of your problems.

Your fiancé is not stepping up and treating you right. It should be a no brainer to be able to maintain a relationship with your fiancé and friends (whether or not they are female or male). He is not making any efforts to make you feel #1 and he is actually going out of his way to blow you off to go be with the symptom Tina. 

His words may tell you one thing, but his actions sure are putting you in your place, right at the bottom of the totem pole. No wonder you are upset.

Post # 11
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My husband and I have friends of both genders, but at no point have either one of us put spending time with friends of any gender above time with one another and purposefully leave each other out. It is super weird that he is basically ditching you to hang out with her for days at a time. I would be putting my foot down. 

Post # 12
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

So…Some of these things are unfair expectations on your part and some of them are not cool on his part.

YOUR PART: Well, she’s a friend, and apparently, a close one at that. My DH has a close female friend too, and if she were to have broken up with a BF, I wouldn’t have a problem with him inviting her over and/or with the two of them going out to a bar to talk or something–exactly the same as I’d do with my own friends. Maybe it’s a stretch to say he shouldn’t have her over to your place alone, but I could understand if she needed one-on-one time with him and he wanted to give that to her. The relationship between photographers and models/actresses is symbiotic, so it doesn’t strike me as unusual that she asked him to photograph her and he did–and did what any professional would do, which is spend a lot of hours editing his work. They both benefit because they can both use the shots for their own portfolios. I also think that you confronting Tina about unfollowing you on social media was weird. I’d be weirded out if any of my friends’ SOs said something about that to me. It feels invasive, confrontational, and well, stalker-ly. She could have unfollowed you for any number of reasons, which are all her business, not yours. I’ll get to the art show below, but I do think that you were right to confront him, and wrong to expect that he’d just drop Tina to take you instead. That would be a rude thing for anyone to do to a friend, angry GF or not, and the proper outcome would be more or less what it was–to bring you along. Not saying he handled it well at all (that’s below), but you have to temper your expectations there.

HIS PART: On the one hand, I understand that there are certain activities that my DH would certainly prefer to do with his female BFF because it’s sort of a shared hobby between the two of them–but in our case, the feeling’s sort of mutual. I’m not the biggest soccer fan so I’m actually HAPPY that he has someone else to go to games with! So it doesn’t strike me as a huge problem that he wanted to go to an art show with Tina first–maybe that’s something he’s found common ground with her on; maybe (no offense) she’s better at art theory than you. However, if you say you too like art shows and he knows that, that’s kind of a red flag that he didn’t think to ask you, and in any relationship, I really think he should have consulted with you first–not for permission, per se, but in a sort of “hey, I’m going to this thing with Tina. You wanna come or do you have other plans?” In short, what he did there is at the very least inconsiderate and dismissive and I would be peeved too. The bottom line here is that he’s sort of acting, unintentionally, a bit selfish about his time and not always taking you and your feelings into account. That should be remedied.

But on that note, how have you expressed this to him and what solutions have you offered? Most men need actual directives–so saying, “You don’t prioritize me” isn’t going to work–tell him HOW he’s supposed to prioritize you: “If you’re going out, I expect you to talk to me about it first, because I’m your GF and I should be included, but also because if it’s something that I can’t go to then I can make other plans.” or “I don’t mind you being a sounding-board for Tina; but I really don’t want you guys alone in each-others’ houses. That’s too much for my comfort.” I’m not claiming these are the actual solutions, but the idea is to make your expectations and boundaries very clear.

And one last thing, just because it’s sort of near and dear to my heart: if he is a photographer, and let’s assume that he’s really professionalizing and taking it seriously (which is a whole other ball of wax), you simply cannot get resentful about your financial contribution vs his. You don’t have to, by any means, pay for his life, but what you can’t do is pay for it or most of it and then get angry he’s not contributing. THe cold hard truth about most creative professionals, at least those in my life–actors, artists, musicians, etc.–is that very few of them think about making money to support anyone other than themselves, especially if they are young. They are also in careers in which they are, frankly, selfish or at least self-absorbed. That doesn’t mean that don’t have to work hard and hustle to make it–they do, but SOs tend to play a supporting role more often than not to “I have to be in the studio;” “I have to be in Dubai for my show for a month;” and “It’s tech-week.” So if the whole “I’m paying for everything” is making you crazy, seriously think about whether this is the right guy and the right relationship for you.

Post # 13
Member
3704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I don’t think you’re out of line. This would bother me as well. I mean, it’s one thing to have lunch with someone every now and then, but he is prioritizing time with her over you, and that’s a big deal to me. I agree with a PP on finding a calm moment and bringing up their relationship in general – not just a specific event.

Post # 14
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee

 

My first thought when I read the title of your post was “well, admitting you have a problem is the first step in recovery” but I would be weirded out in this instance too.

You did the right thing by telling your FI that you were uncomfortable with him comforting her 1:1 after her breakup but he went ahead of went to her house and now he’s doing social activities (art show) with just her? Why were you not included immediately? You shouldn’t have to fight your FI for an invite….it kinda sounds like he wanted it to just be him and her (sorry).

And the whole her unfollowing you thing…listen, girls aren’t stupid. She knows what she’s doing. But your problem is not her, it’s your FI.

 

Post # 15
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I’m mad for you.  Ugh!! 

Does “Tina” not have ONE other friend?  A girlfriend, a college roomate, a sister, a cousin, a neighbor, a co-worker, her mother, the bartender filling up her white wine spritzer….ANYONE else who can cheer her up after being dumped?  Not one person? Seriously?  

I don’t buy that…and if she truly has no one else in the world to call, but YOUR Fiance–I can probably guess the reason why.  

I’m right there with you….Tina has to go.   

I’m also going to assume that Tina is reasonably attractive and that coupled with your Fiance’s desire to be her main support system through life…this would be a deal breaker for me.

Leave a comment


Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors