- 5 years ago
I am feeling a high level of jealousy and insecurity at the moment. I have been scouring the internet for advice about what to do. I’m hoping some people here have some words of wisdom to set my mind at ease (or fire it up, if need be).
The specific situation I’m upset about is a female friend of my fiance. Years ago, we had to be long distance for half a year, this was early in our relationship. Out of his few instagram photos and FB picture uploads, there were a higher percentage with this friend than with anyone else besides his family. I told him that I felt jealous, because I am all about having good communication in my relationship. I felt silly about it, but he was sweet about my feelings and said that when we could be together again he’d be posting all sorts of things with him and I. I worked through that jealousy because I knew it was coming from a place of personal insecurity and because we were far away from each other. When I moved to his city to live with him, I met this friend (I’ll call her Tina). That first time we all hung out I felt like such a third wheel, which I kind of expected since they’re good friends and I just met her. But he was touchy with her and flirtatious. hey went to college together and never dated, he says he thinks of her like a sister. I told him about those feelings and he tried to reassure me of their platonic friendship.
He used to have a lot of close female friends and they have kind of organically faded into the past as our relationship has moved forward. This one hasn’t, and I work hard to be supportive of him maintaining friendships and seeing his friends. He was the only friend she invited to her graduation from college, and he is a photographer and she wanted some headshots so he did that for her. They did a modelling session and it started to irk me how much time I saw him spending on editing her photographs for free while I am toiling away being the primary breadwinner for us. And there was an added level of jealousy there for me because I make videos and am a writer, yet he has never taken proper photographs of me for any of my work. Again, I worked through that (or maybe I just thought I did).
I use an app to see when people unfollow me on social media, because I use those for growing my audience and sometimes I’ll be followed by someone and I will return the courtesy only to have them unfollow a week later. I do it to keep my numbers even, for work. Well, I realized Tina had unfollowed me on multiple social media sites. I talked to my boyfriend about it and then decided to just talk to her about it and ask her why. She straight up told me she unfollowed me because she thought I didn’t like her. I asked her why I wouldn’t like her and she said because she is friends with my fiance. That I still feel really weird about. I even invited her to a surprise party I threw for him recently.
Here is the kicker, she was just dumped by the guy she was dating, and my fiance wanted to immediately invite her over or go to her to help her feel better. Sweet sentiment, inappropriate action. Again, being the open communicator I am, I expressed that it wasn’t really appropriate for an engaged man to go to his newly single female friend to comfort her alone. But really he kind of still did do that, he went to hang out with her the other day, and it was just the two of them. He was there all afternoon. I didn’t like it, but I trust him, so I gritted my teeth and dealt with it. At night when he got home I asked him to do something the next day and he said “I’ll be gone all day.” Ok, why? He said why but then said, “And after I do those things, I’m going to an art show.” I asked him for more details and I asked him if he was going with someone or something and since when, because he didn’t mention it. He said “I asked Tina.” That was the last straw for me and now I am raging inside. He didn’t even THINK of me for that. I am working overtime, and I work from home so I feel quite a bit of cabin fever, and one of my favorite things to do is go to museums and see art and cultural events, and I have the night off of that show. We argued and he “relented” and said “ok, do you want to go?” And I said yes, and he then said “Ok, you can come with us.” #INFURIATING. I’ve spoken to a close friend about all of this who knows us both and she said I am justified in my feelings about this and that he is either out of line or completely naiive to how not ok that is. Beyond the fact that he asked Tina to go with him, he didn’t even THINK of asking me to go or telling me about it. I am not in his head, so maybe he did think of me and just didn’t want to go with me, but knowing him that seems like a stretch of the imagination. But then I think he was gaslighting me after that, he said “When have I not told you about what I was doing? When was the last time?” And “But first I asked a guy friend” and “I thought I told you” and “but you usually do ___ after work” (I don’t have an after work routine).
So, to a wider audience: What would you do? What should I do? Am I way out of line? Or is he? Help!