(Closed) I Hate How Jealous I Am of my Fiance's Female Friend – Help!

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
516 posts
Busy bee

ljm308:  

“…you come off as insanely judgmental.”

You don’t see the irony here, do you?

Post # 62
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

tiffanybruiser:  Actually, I’m like that with my female friends’ SOs as well.  Perhaps it’s just in my personality.  I’ll be perfectly polite, and if we happen to have common interests, etc., a friendship could develop.  But I’m not going to force a friendship where one isn’t natural.

Actually, I did really like his last girlfriend, because she was the first one to ever ask me questions about him and look for my opinion.  I tried my best to support both of them as a couple and we both thought this might be the real deal.  She recently broke his heart, and he’s now revealing that she had been making nasty comments about me for months.  So yeah, perhaps this is making me a little extra bitter towards the OP’s stance lol.

I also understand that OP is engaged to this man.  That’s why I brought up my own engagement.  I still go out with/stay the night at my friend’s house.  We go to things without inviting my Fiance, because sometimes I just want to hang out with my friend.  And he’s cool with that, because my Fiance is awesome.  That’s part of why I love him so much.  And he trusts me when I tell him that nothing is/was/will ever be going on with my friend.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  BabyInACorner.
Post # 63
Member
1592 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

This would really, seriously upset me – but I am the first to admit I have jealousy issues. I do think it’s disrespectful of your Fiance to sit and listen to your opinion on the issue, then completely disregard it and hang out with Tina alone. 

I am wondering if you are your FI’s first serious relationship? If Tina has been in his life for ages, and there have been other girlfriends, I’d be willing to bet that somebody else before you had raised this issue and he may have been more inclined to listen to you if it had been said before.

Post # 64
Member
7773 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

BabyInACorner:  Ah ok that makes more sense. Totally agree with not forcing friendships. I dunno I usually am very skeptical about posts like the OP’s, but the more I read the more I really had to side with her on this one. I just think these things have to be evaluated on a case by case basis. I don’t like black & white rules like “men and women can’t be friends” or “my best friend’s a guy and I know all his gfs are jealous of me.” Not that that’s what you’re saying.

Post # 65
Member
10020 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

wunderlost:  Read your update.  Good luck to you!  I hope it works out for the best for you, no matter what happens. 

Post # 66
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

wunderlost:  I could have written this post. Not anymore, thank god…. but in the earlier days of my relationship all the way until about a year in. My SO has a very close female friend. She would call him to come sit with her at her sisters house when she would babysit for them so they could watch movies and hang out. She would expect him to be her date to weddings (happened more than once!) even when He was invited on his own and could bring a date (which was always me!), she would expect that when they travled with friends that she and my SO would share a hotel room, and she expected that friday nights were “their time” weekly. It took a lot of effort to get my SO to see how inappropriate this behavior was. At first he just thought I was paranoid and being ridiculous. Then she had a few meltdowns that weren’t normal and he finally saw why I was so bothered. Since then, he’s taken my side on everything and made it absolutely clear that I come first and that she needed to have boundaries with him. You should be the “first” lady in his life and he should always default to you for events and “date” type activities. Once in a while it’s fine to have friend time and I still fully support my SO going to spend time with friends, female and male. But there is only one lady in his life, and that’s me, and she had to learn that the hard way. Sounds like this will be the same for you. 

 

Bottom line: you are not wrong and you have every right to be upset about this. Don’t let him tell you otherwise. 

Post # 67
Member
5893 posts
Bee Keeper

ljm308:  Holy harsh judgment Batman, you’re entitled to your opinion but I don’t think OP comes off as insanely presumptuous at all, quite the opposite. She sounds like she has been trying to be understanding and give them the benefit of every doubt, but she’s struggling with a growing sense of uneasiness. Justifiably I think. I wish this wasn’t the case, don’t you think poor Bee would rather hear that she’s over-reacting and has nothing to worry about? 

“I think the real question here is why don’t you trust your fiance” Simple. Dude be acting sketchy. How is this man, who is such an invested and attentive friend, the same man who is so insensitive toward his own fiance? If he’s such a great, caring guy, why isn’t this same attentiveness and consideration spilling over into his relationship with the woman he’s supposed to be marrying? It’s not that he can’t be a friend to someone who’s hurting, it’s that he’s continuously (not just over her break-up) putting Tina before her, she doesn’t even seem like a close second.

I’d be fine with Fiance comforting one of his friends, regardless of gender, in fact my heart would go out to the poor friend- BUT Fiance doesn’t treat me like second best and his female friends don’t treat me like the competition. Under the circumstances OP describes no freaking way would I be okay with any of this, in fact it would be a dealbreaker if unresolved. 

Post # 68
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

In the end, it all depends on what boundaries you have as a couple. What is acceptable for both and what isn’t. As many pointed out, there is no right or wrong answers, as it all depends on what feels right for you and your partner.

I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable with my husband spending alone time with another one on a private place (her home), and I’d feel bad if she invited her to events before inviting me or giving me a heads up (this is also with going out with male friends, I don’t mind him doing it and he doesn’t need my permission, but I like to be informed of where he is going and with whom -it gives me peace of mind). If I was feeling uncomfortable about a relationship he was having with a female friend, I expect him to do something to make me feel better (spend more time with me and less with her, or something like that), as I know I would always put him first. Overall, I would expect to be his only female best friend, as he is my only male best friend.

I think you need to decide what you are willing to tolerate and what you simply can’t, then talk it with your Fiance and let him know how important this is for you. You might find out this could be a deal breaker for you and you should let him know this, as maybe the opposite is a deal breaker for him. Hopefully, he will understand were you’re coming from and you’ll both be able to solve it. 

Oh! One more thing…don’t forget to ask him not to discuss this with Tina. 

 

Post # 69
Member
5893 posts
Bee Keeper

Chiming in here once again- I re-read OP’s original post and Tina’s break up is recent, the flirtatiousness & photo shoots & attending the graduation et al occured before her break-up with her own boyfriend, so he’s not simply reaching out to a friend going through a hard time, this is ongoing behaviour for them even when one or both are in a relationship. I’m wondering if all the grey areas of their friendship caused problems in her own relationship as welll. Fiance says she’s like a sister to him- but who flirts with a sister?

OP, what was Tina’s reaction to your engagement?

Post # 70
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

BabyInACorner:  you liked her because she asked you opinions on things about him? that is not good. that is just weird. you don’t sound like you have a very healthy relationship with him, it sounds like you feel like you have ownership over him. Im interested to see how it develops if he finds the right girl and puts someone ahead of you. 

Post # 71
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

wunderlost:  I wouldn’t be ok with this situation at all. I’ve been in this situation and since ex-BF wouldn’t create appropriate boundaries with his female BFF, I ended it.

My best guess is your Fiance liked Tina. Tina put him in the friend zone for whatever reason but enjoyed the attention she got from your Fiance. Now that she is single my guess is that she wants to lean on your Fiance. She probably doesn’t want to date him long term but she obviously has no issue straining or even ruining his relationship with you to have her 2 seconds of support.

End point: Tina is a crappy friend to your Fiance because she isn’t respecting his relationship with you. Fiance sounds kinda like a crappy Fiance because your feelings aren’t being considered or made a priority. 

This situation has obviously been a deal breaker for me in the past but only you know if it is the same for you. Sorry bee. 🙁

Post # 73
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

You sound like a wonderful woman who has tried everything to make this work for him and his friend. Honestly I would not have had the patience and understanding you have had and just reading your posts makes me so mad! I dont really have any advice because it all involve getting mad but Im sure you will find a way to make him see what is happening, or perhaps she will do something stupid and he will see her for what she is. Have you asked your Fiance how he would feel if the tables were turned and you had a male friend who behaves the was Tina does? My passive aggressive side would definitly want to give him a taste of his own medicine but I know that is probably a bad way to go!

Post # 74
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

BabyInACorner:  yes but arent you suggesting he should be your friend no matter what issues it raises in his relationship as to the way he is prioritising you potentially as he goes through a string of gfs. That it’s not worth losing you as you will always be there. BUT then what about your Fiance if he felt the way this bee does, would you think the same way that he was disposable? I’m sure not as you intend to marry him …

I feel there comes a time you do tone things down to be conciderate and allow a relationship to blossom and not be a hindrance to what could potentially be a life match. I would definitely expect things to be toned down and have with my fiancé with some overbearing female friends he has (and actually male ones trying to drag him to boys holidays 24/7 when we are trying to save for our own). It’s about protecting and nurturing your little family and the rest should be secondary.

You do seem to like his gfs if they recognise you as important in his life. Personally you have an amazing fi or he is too anxious in upsetting you to say he doesn’t like this. I wouldn’t appreciate my fiance and then husband spending the night to chat all night at a gfs … err go home 

I think things may change when he stops with the short term relationships and trysts and finds someone he wants to settle with and you may find he decides to “tone it down” then surely it should be accepted. 

Post # 75
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

This is wrong on so many levels. Most people know that when you enter a new serious relationship, old relationships (all relationships) need to change and that means same sex friends, friends of the opposite sex, FAMILY, etc. One of the first things you do is let friends (definitely of the opposite sex) know that you are in a relationship so the calls, dates, and whatever else you’re into will now be different. You notify the exes and everyone else you are casually hanging out with so that everyone is on the same page. Early into my relationship with my now husband when I met his family I noticed they were a bit clingy and that they relied on him entirely too much. I told him “they are not going to like me.” When he asked why I told him it was because they would not have access to him the same way. He immediately told me that would not be a problem because he would clarify that with them right away. Now they are still clingy, but the difference is that he sometimes tells them no because he knows I am first. 

I think your fiancé and the friend are very disrespectful. They know this is not acceptable behavior. The only way it will change is if you stand up for yourself. They only do what you allow. Going to her house all day or overnight….all of these alone dates ….PLEASE….they are not innocent…..and these flirty friends…..Platonic relationships are not flirty. I had flirty friends like that…..one asked me to marry him and one asked me to give him a dance before he got married. We had never gone anywhere close to that before, but all those “you look cute” or “you look goods” were not for naught. Either he fixes this or I’d be on the next flight back home because it shows what he really wants.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  prettygirl05.

The topic ‘I Hate How Jealous I Am of my Fiance's Female Friend – Help!’ is closed to new replies.

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