Post # 1
I’ve always been this way. I don’t find it funny or endearing or the least bit acceptable when someone goes overboard at a party, then spends the night stumbling around, saying (slurring) things they normally wouldn’t, getting sick, and just not acting like themselves.
My fiance is in a fraternity (about to graduate), so I knew what I was getting myself into when I started dating him. His particular frat is actually very classy. No kegs or animal-house-ness to speak of. They throw really fun parties that I usually enjoy. Usually.
Most of the time, my fiance will have a couple of drinks, maybe get a little tipsy but not to the point that it’s affecting his personality. That’s fine. But there are times when he drinks more than that. Too much, in my opinion, and it just HURTS me to see him incapacitated.
I’m writing this now because I need to vent about last night. His frat threw a small, invite-only party. I missed the first part because I wasn’t feeling well, so when I finally got there, things had been underway for a while. I walked in, said hi to his brothers, and was warned that my fiance was “wasted”. Oh boy. And sure enough, he was. He walked towards me but couldn’t stay in a straight line. When he spoke, he slurred all his words. His eyes were glazed over. But best of all (and this is what he does EVERY TIME this happens), he tried to tell me that he wasn’t drunk by any means, and that I was just being paranoid and critical.
That led to one of many fights we’ve had about this. He thinks I’m trying to get in the way of his fun and control his life. I’m not. I know there will be situations throughout our marriage when he’ll “drink with the guys” and have too much sometimes. I want him to enjoy himself, but what I also want is for him to understand that I feel pain when I see him like that. I’ll deal with the pain. I just don’t want him to call me things that aren’t true because of it. If everyone (not just me) can see that he’s wasted, well, I’m not making it up!
Sigh…I’m sorry if this sounds whiny. It was just a really rough night.
Post # 3
I really can’t say that I understand this feeling. Have you been hurt by some particular things your man or some close friends or family members have said or done when drunk?
I go to a very academically rigorous college where drinking is an escape once each weekend or so. It feels like a tremendous burden has been lifted when words can flow more freely and you can act silly, and further not feel ashamed about it. Yes, people do stupid and sometimes dangerous things when drunk, but I believe that more often than not, alcohol can help to escalate the ‘fun’ quotient of a night. If people do it too often such that it impairs their daily lives, or drink so much that they vomit/pass out regularly, or have the tendency to become violent when drinking, then yes, it’s a problem. But if none of these is true of your Fiance, then I don’t understand why you’re so upset. It’s not like you don’t get your sober Fiance back the next morning; he’s still the same person whenever he’s not drinking.
Post # 4
I think you need to address what has been done to make you feel that way. You say you have many fights it, which makes me think you expected the drinking to stop at some point and it hasn’t. It’s important that you talk about it, because as VeganGlam mentioned, for many people drinking is a fun release from everyday life. Honestly, if I couldn’t just let loose and get drunk once in awhile, I wouldn’t be a very happy person.
Post # 5
I completely agree with you. I think you should have a serious conversation with your fiance about it– he has to at least respect you and it should hurt him as well that you are so upset about this.
Drinking in moderation is okay– but getting excessively drunk is completely wrong and if someone feels that they have to do that to “escape” from their life, then I must say that is the first step toward alcoholism. No one’s life is that hard that they must get drunk to have fun and “stay happy”. That is just an excuse. Getting drunk is what immature teenagers do when they first experience alcohol because they don’t know any better. After that, they must grow up and mature and realize that they can have just as much (if not more) fun when sober or slightly “relaxed” (ie. having a few drinks is okay if you know you’re not going to get drunk because of them).
I wish you the best in this situation!
Post # 6
@karina – I have to respectfully disagree with you. I got wonderfully drunk only once this year, in Florida on Spring Break with just R and a night out, but I wouldn’t trade occasional nights like that in, and I certainly don’t think they make me an alcoholic. An “escape” does not have to be a bad thing – what do you think entertainment is? Or vacations? My previous post about the OP getting on the same page as her SO still stands, but let’s not throw around words like alcoholic. I have an alcoholic in my family, and I will tell you that it’s nothing to supply lightly.
Post # 7
All I’m saying is that one cannot say that the reason they get drunk is to escape from their daily lives and be “happy”, as you and vegan alluded to. That is the reason alcoholics use– that’s all I’m saying; I’m not calling you an alcoholic.
You must have a better reason for getting drunk than that, and if not, then there really is no reason you should be doing it. Why would you want to act like a complete fool to have fun? How embarrassing.
Post # 8
karina85, that is your take. Some people crochet or play bingo or paint or write stories or act in plays in which they are completely unlike their real ‘selves’ to escape. Can you concretely tell me why any of those is better than drinking, aside from the potential health risks it poses (and please remember that those are only potentials)?
It entirely possible to drink to intoxication without posing a threat to your health or others’. I’ve been drinking for eight years now and have never once gotten sick or hurt myself or others, nor have I become an alcoholic (I drink less than once a week) so it isn’t just something that “teenagers do”. Sometimes a situation calls for just getting a ‘buzz’, and sometimes it’s fun to get a lot more intoxicated than that and feel okay to act completely ridiculous. Everyone needs a break from the monotony of their day-to-day life sometimes. Don’t be so judgmental and condescending. If the OP’s Fiance isn’t emotionally or physically abusing himself or someone else, then I see no reason why he shouldn’t be allowed to have fun the way he wants to.
No one in this thread has said they NEED to be drunk to feel happy. No said they NEED to act like a fool to have fun. All that’s been said is that it’s one sort of avenue for having fun, and if it’s one that you can’t understand, then personally I think it’s your loss and not mine. Drunken revelry has been a favorite form of merrymaking for thousands of years. No one’s going around and pathologizing the ancient Greeks.
Post # 9
Being intoxicated affects your ability to reason, and hence your ability to make sound decisions. Crocheting, playing bingo, painting, writing stories, and any other activity you can think of will not do that to you.
If you are an adult, do you respect yourself and your reputation? An adult should be able to control themselves.
Post # 10
Myabe I’m wrong, but not all teenagers decide to get drunk because they don’t know any better. I agree with Lilyfaith that that the use of “alcoholic” is not necessary. You don’t know about anyone’s family situation, and it may hit a sore spot.
I also think that if her Fiance is not hurting himself or anyone with his behavior, it’s fine to be that way once in awhile.
Has he or anyone else done something to hurt you while they were drunk?
ETA: I also don’t think being drunk ruins your reputation or respect for youself. It happens every now and then.
Post # 11
But it is an occasional escape for me – an escape from always being the responsible one who works and studies long hours, thinks ahead, plans everything, etc. Would I ever put myself in a situation where I could harm others by driving, etc? No, of course not. As I said, 99% of the time I drink, it’s a glass or two of wine, or a few beers, or two mixed drinks at a bar. But sometimes it’s nice to let loose and get to that point. I’m not going to justify further because, frankly, I don’t embarrass myself and I don’t think I should have to explain my decisions to you. I just responded to your post because my grandfather is an alcoholic, and when he drinks it is in private in his bedroom, where he is ashamed to let anyone see him. He’s a mean drunk who hurt his family, and that is completely different from occasionally getting drunk.
I don’t need to provide a reason for my actions other than that I have free will, and it is something that is a fun release every so often. Do I act like a fool sometimes? Of course. Bad karaoke and making Future Sister-In-Law dress up in a TP wedding dress on the night of her bachelorette party come to mind. Walking and laughing with R down a pretty Florida path on a beautiful night come to mind. Would I have enjoyed it less with less to drink? Probably not, but the point is I didn’t have to think, “oh, I should stop after two drinks because I have to work in the morning” which made the whole evening a lot more relaxing. I don’t see how that’s for you to judge.
Post # 12
Honestly, I don’t care if “respectable” people act silly when they drink. It’s not like it reflects on who they are 99% of the time. They’re just having fun.
Recognizing that this may not be everyone else’s take on things, I only drink in places where I know it won’t affect “my reputation”. I can “control” myself enough that I’ve never harmed myself or others when I drink. I honestly don’t see why anything else matters.
Post # 13
1. Your Fiance is being immature and an ass by insisting that he isn’t drunk when is in fact drunk. That’s annoying.
2. Your desire to have him acknowledge that it hurts you to see him drunk is putting a lot on him and is very hurtful of you to do. You can’t control how you feel and that’s unfortunate but feeling pain when someone you love is drunk and acting fine/not abusive/embarassing is not a typical reaction and it is not his fault. If someone I loved told me it hurt them when I did something harmless that I enjoyed a lot (and had social pressure towards) I’d be very upset and feel bad done by.
However, it’s not your fault you feel like you do and he needs to be considerate – you guys should come up with an agreement that he doesn’t get drunk around you and when he wants to get drunk he doesn’t drop by your place later, doesn’t call you etc. That should work right? So at the party he should have called you and said babe I’m drunk you better stay home tonight.
For that he needs to work on recognizing when he’s drunk and I’d suggest you try not to guilt trip him about someone that is not inherently harmful and that you’re both considerate with each other’s feelings.
Post # 14
I think you’re over-reacting. It’s pretty common for frat guys to drink, and almost every drunk insists they are fine! It sounds like he is a really responsible guy most of the time and honestly he drinks way less than a lot of college guys. I wouldn’t peg him as being anywhere on the trajectory toward being an alcoholic. You don’t have to drink, and you can choose not to go to parties where people are drinking, but you can’t tell other people what to do if they aren’t hurting anyone. (Or you can, but you might not get invited out next time.)
If there is more to the story, like he drinks and drives or you grew up in an alcoholic household, then those are real issues and you should probably get some counseling together.
Post # 15
I totally agree with you Lady. There is nothing more annoying to a sober person than a drunk person. And beyond annoyance, it does hurt to see someone you love in a disgusting state like that… can’t talk, can’t walk, not themselves, out of control.
Is your Fiance drinking “to get drunk” or does he just keep going because he’s having a good time, over-estimating his ability to hold his liquor? When people need to get intoxicated to relax, to have a good time or for an “escape” it is usually a warning sign (as opposed to light drinking for the same reasons). Even if he doesn’t do it often, if he is getting drunk (not just drinking) as a release from stress and tension you are right to voice concerns. I say this after spending the last 15 years of my life dealing with an alcohol addict. You know that noise a soda can makes when you pop the tab open? When I hear someone open a Pepsi my back actually spasms because I associate that noise with the opening of yet another beer…
To be clear he doesn’t sound like an alcoholic or anything. But this issue is not going to go away. If it truly bothers you he should be willing to consider modifying his behavior. Not that he can’t go out drinking but maybe that he needs to watch his consumption more carefully out of respect for you and the pain this causes you. This is not some minor irritation to you and the key is for him to understand that.
Post # 16
I’m going to respectfully disagree with those who feel that getting sloshed every weekend is healthy and can sympathize with feeling bored, frustrated or just fed up with alcohol serving as the primary form of amusement and entertainment for people in their 20s. People so inebriated they can’t find the floor are generally not nearly as fun as they think they are – otherwise everyone would be clamoring to hold back someone else’s hair and not the other way around.
OP, if I understand you correctly what irritates you almost as much as the drinking itself is the denial, not insofar as it indicates dishonesty, but reveals just how sloshed he really is. Is that right? That is, you don’t insist that he stop drinking altogether and appreciate that sometimes he may overdo it, but it’s embarrassing to you and to him when he demonstrates just how wasted he is by insisting that he’s not wasted.
I think we would do well to re-visit the OP as opposed to reflexively defending our own alcohol consumption here, which isn’t the point. If you and your SO are fine with your drinking habits, all well and good, but there seems to be a difference of opinion here between OP and her Fiance, and no amount of insisting that it SHOULDN’T bother her is going to solve the problem. It DOES, and so the next step is discussing why and so on.