(Closed) I hate living with my fiance

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Hostess
7547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think you both need to talk about your expectations. What does a perfect relationship look like to you? Him? How much time would you spend together? Who does what around the house? You need to get your cards out on the table so you can decide where you can compromise to make you both happy.

Post # 18
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I hate saying “you need to think twice” but my friend married a guy like this and it’s got worse not better 🙁 even when FH and I go round there we only ever socialise with her because he’s generally doing his own thing or on a work call.  I don’t even think she realises how much time she spends complaining about it – it’s been like that from before they got married and as horrible it sounds, we would honestly be surprised to see things last. I was sad for her sake that she settled for him, to be honest. They’d been together for 7 years so I’m not sure where her head was at around the issue (I only met her the year before she got married) but honestly all the stuff she’d say about him matches what you’re describing and as I say I think its getting worse 🙁 she does EVERYTHING – cooking, cleaning, you name it. He exists to make a mess and not want to do stuff with her the rare time they have off together.  Maybe it’s good you found this out now, not after you’re married?

Post # 19
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Eh, it took me about 3 months to adjust to living with my fiancé (bf at the time). Give him the benefit of the doubt for now and if he doesn’t improve call off the engagement. Fact is he’s going to have to deal with no “alone time” for the most part when you get married. At least you live in a space with multiple rooms; I’d kill to be able to unwind in a separate room from my fiancé.  Unfortunately, we live in a one room studio.

Post # 20
Member
11139 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

This is your living together “honeymoon” phase.  This is probably as good as it will get.  There are always adjustments when you move in together, but nothing like this.  

I’m glad you’re in therapy.  Are you each seeing someone individually as well?

Let me ask you this:  does this man make you feel cherished?

Post # 21
Member
33 posts
Newbee

View original reply
@Baybeejulia:  +1 I totally agree, it wont get any better.

@JustAnotherBee: Surely he realised that you would be around ALOT more of the time if you moved in together.  It isn’t fair that he is telling you that he wants friday nights to himself, what if you didn’t have plans on a friday night would that mean that you would just have to stay away from the house so he can have his alone time?? I am sorry but you deserve alot better than that and shouldn’t be treated like shit for being in your own home. I hope it does get better for you.

Post # 22
Member
507 posts
Busy bee

I have to say therapy because otherwise it would be a straight leave him. He is who he is and your being around will not change him. He sounds like he does have some issue (depression, bipolar?) and that takes a lot out of you to deal with and is your choice at the end of the day if you want to deal with that. 

Post # 23
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m a little ashamed to admit this, but I had a real problem adjusting to sharing space when I moved in with my fiance.  I was living in a three bedroom townhouse by myself with alot of storage and privacy. My boyfriend and I got together when we felt like it, but I used to love being on my own.  We bought a tiny one bedroom apartment with very little storage.  I’ve never had to share a bedroom closet or a dresser before.  I wasn’t used to sleeping with someone every night, or having the food that I’d bought be eaten by someone else or sharing a phone number and not having any privacy.  It took alot of adjusting and we’re still adapting to each other.  One problem is that I hate having to talk to people in the morning until I’ve had a couple of cups of tea.  He’s gotten into the habit of going to the gym or visiting his folks when he hears me start to get up…Thank God!  I wanted to set boundaries on my personal space when we first moved in, so I was a little bit harsh about protecting my own space and privacy, but now, since I know that he won’t burst into the bathroom when I’m on the toilet or rummage through my mail or my drawers,  or invite people over when I’m exhausted, I’ve relaxed alot.

Post # 24
Member
2120 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

@JustAnotherBee:  When Fiance and I first moved in together we had some teething problems with personal space, how much time to spend together, chore assignments, coming home at different times, who cooks what and when, and it took a couple of months for us to adjust. So here’s hoping it solves itself, but I have to say this situation sounds pretty difficult.

 

Give it a bit more time as you adjust to the change, but if he continues this way I’d be pretty pissed. He’s entitled to his own space, but he should be wanting to dpend more time with you imo.

Post # 25
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

If he wants alone time, he should go out for it and have an alone space in your place, but you should not have to leave or go to the gym.  It sounds like he needs sone hobbies with friends.

Post # 26
Member
2536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think the part of your original post that I find most strange and off putting is the fact that he started talking about having alone time over the weekend when you went up to bed. He had already gone to bed and you wanted to go to bed soon. It’s not like you were following him around the house, going somewhere you didn’t need to be. You have every right to be where you like in your own house, especially in your bedroom when it is time to go to sleep. What does he want you to do – not go to bed? I think this is something you ddefinitely need to hash out together. 

If it makes you feel any better, when my husband and I moved in together he was very upset (not about living with me but about moving from his home for the last 28 years…he admits he isnt great at change) and wanted to have one room in the house that was his for alone time. He has now settled down and doesn’t want this anymore. But maybe, if you have space, your Fiance could have a place of his own in the house, maybe you too. What was his living situation before you moved in together?

Post # 27
Member
3111 posts
Sugar bee

Some ground rules:

Each person does 50% of the housework.

You plan lots of highly romantic activities.

One evening per week you do your own thing.

You make it clear to him that you are high maintenance and expect lots of attention.

Set a deadline for things improving.  Three months minimum and six months maximum.

If things don’t get better or they stay the same I suggest that you leave.  You deserve more than this.

Post # 28
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

View original reply
@JustAnotherBee:  Sounds like he is bi-polar and this can only be fixed with medication.

I defnitely would reconsider marrying him if things don’t change. They can change if he admits he has a problem and sees someone about it. Otherwise it will stay the same forever.

Post # 29
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I realize this might be an unpopular opinion, but I firmly believe that if you’re needing to go to couples therapy before even being married – and I am not talking about the premarital counseling many people go to nowadays to get some tips here and there on how to build a lasting marriage, but actual therapy, because you have such big problems that you can’t hash them out on your own as a couple – then it’s probably not a great idea to get married anyways.

He sounds to me like he has lots of issues to start with.. alcohol abuse in the past, 38 and more interested in video games than in spending quality time with the woman he is supposed to love most, laziness, temper problems.. I am sorry if this comes across as harsh, and I am sure he must have some redeeming qualities, or else you wouldn’t be with him. However, just from what you write he doesn’t sound like a great partner, and certainly not someone I would consider marrying or raising a family with, unless he first took steps to grow up a little himself.

Has he never lived with people in the past? Are you his first serious relationship? If so, I’d be very concerned. If he did live with other girls previously, have you any idea of how that went? It might give you an indication of how things are going to unfold in the next few months/years.

At any rate I think it is important to calmly but firmly put your foot down next time there’s an argument and say that it was a mutual decision to move in together (if it was, of course!), that you have just as much right to be here as he does. Furhtermore, you both have obligations stemming from your decision to live together, and it is unacceptable to you that you should be the only one carrying these obligations. If he was not willing to adjust, I’d be looking for options to move out, and reconsider the basis of your relationship.

Wishing you all the best xx

Post # 30
Member
3111 posts
Sugar bee

Just re-read your original post again.  It sounds awful.  Temper tantrums repeatedly?  Forget about the three months minimum.  How about three days or even three hours?  

His behaviour is totally unacceptable.  He needs to concentrate 100% of his efforts on making you happy.

Post # 31
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Red. Flags. Everywhere.

This is why people live together before getting married. 

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