(Closed) I hate living with my fiance

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@JustAnotherBee:  my fiance and I had an awful time after moving in. Our expectations of what it was going to be like were very different and it caused a lot of problems. I wanted things unpacked and uncluttered immediately – he didn’t see the rush. I thought weekends were for chores – he wanted to lay around in bed for a few hours first, play golf, etc. He hated that I let laundry build up – I saw no harm as long as we both had clean clothes. I left dishes in the sink – he’d wash them immediately and then be annoyed I didn’t even notice. This caused near constant arguing and I was left wondering where my sweet, loving partner went – and he felt the same about me.

We resolved it through lots of talking about everything – how much togetherness we both liked and how many nights out with friends each one of us wanted, how often we visited parents, who did what household chores and when, whose set of dishes went to Goodwill. All those seem like minor issues but it took us about 6 months before things got better.  

Your guy needs to stop throwing tantrums when he is frustrated. He is not a toddler and can express his emotions and needs in a calm manner. I hope therapy helps you get through this.

Post # 48
Member
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@JustAnotherBee:  You both are older so you have established routines over the years and it will take some time to get used to living with another person.  You’re both going to need to make compromises but the first step is to communicate what each of your expectations are now that you’re living together.  I think you both need to sit down and go over your schedules and how you were able to fit in time for each other while you weren’t living together.  Then you can try to figure out how to blend your schedules so that you have time together and personal time to yourselves.  If you can’t even have a conversation about it then that’s a major problem.

Post # 49
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

@JustAnotherBee:  I moved in with my SO after dating for a year. We have been living together for nearly 4 years and came out of a cross-country move relatively unscathed, hah. We are in our mid/late 20s and both lived alone or with roomates for many years before we moved in together.

 

The first six months were awful. Living with someone, when you’re used to living on your own, is not easy. I had certain things that I thought made total sense about cooking, chores, daily routine, etc that were the dumbest things on earth to him and vice versa. He slept on the futon more than once because we were to mad at each other. What changed after 6 months?

 

We learned how to communicate better, not to let our feelings build up and create resentment/blowups, to nicely ask the other person to do things (without nagging) and to acknowledge when they did those, to schedule time together and apart, and to create our own “space” where would could spend time in the house, physicially and noise-wise separate from each other. If my SO spends half of the weekend playing video games, it bothers me a LOT less if he’s getting everything done housework wise and if I don’t have to see it every time I go into the living room.

 

He has his own friends that he spends time with, and we actually try to schedule something every other weekend with other couples we are friends with to get some of that “together” socialization (I’m introverted and hate large parties, but he’s extroverted, so spending half a day with another couple feeds both of our “needs” and has helped strengthen our relationships with our friends and is fun). We try not to schedule more than 1 day of “stuff” on the weekends, so that we can have a day set aside to do housework, do groceries if we need to, go on an informal walk, or catch up on tasks (e.g., taxes).

IMO, you two need to have a serious talk about what living together and marriage is going to look like – how much alone time does he need? Is it important to you (as a couple) to have dinner together? What are your cleanliness standards? How will you divide housework? Keep in mind, some tasks require daily time (walking the dog, cooking) while others are recurring or seasonal but require more time overall (maintaining the garden). I do most of the day-to-day stuff while he does more of the weekly/seasonal stuff (take out the garbage cans, cycle our clothes, etc).

And also, the tantrums need to stop and he needs to learn to deal with his feelings like an adult. Taking all of his stress out on you is unfair, immature, and total bull. If he doesn’t have healthy coping tools, your therapist needs to give him some STAT.

I don’t think your relationship is a lost cause, but does need some tune-up/help.

Post # 50
Member
47258 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Talk to your therapist.It sounds like both of you had unrealistic expectations of what it would be like living together and neither of you actually initiated a discussion about the issue.

Post # 51
Member
6358 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

@MrsViolin:  100% agree with every word

Post # 52
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@JustAnotherBee:  ugh, that sounds rough. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this.

My SO and I moved in together about 4 months ago, although I had been staying at his place for 4 nights a week for years beforehand. I honestly didn’t know how we’d go living together full time, but it has been great. Getting narky at each other from time to time is normal, but your Fiance bleating on about ‘alone time’ is really strange, especially when you seem to be fairly independent with your own interests outside of the relationship. you don’t sound needy or attached to the hip at all. 

I would seriously stop unpacking and considering repacking. Living together does take a period of adjustment and it can be stressful, but it should be an exciting time too. He is acting like an immature asshole, and no one should be made to feel like an unwelcome guest in their own home. Better to figure out now that he is hell to live with, rather than later.

Post # 53
Member
770 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Why are you doing all the housework? No wonder you hate it.

Post # 54
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

@JustAnotherBee:  You are both in your late 30’s and this is happening?! That just seems outrageous to me.

Has he ever lived with anyone before? When I moved in with my SO it was the first time I had ever given up my space and really shared everything with someone. I think everyone has moments of wanting their own space back, but for him to act like that is insane…and playing video games every night for hours? This just not make sense to me for a man who is looking forward to marriage/children and, well, being an adult. It sounds like he is one of those guys who will never grow up and will continue to think the other person is the problem in relationships.

I understand that 2 nights a week increased to 7 nights a week is a lot…it is too bad you couldn’t have increased your time/do sleepovers more prior to moving in. I still wanted my own space after we moved in together and I had been sleeping at his house 7 nights a week for months…I can’t imagine going from 2 nights a week to 7 all at once.

Just out of curiosity…when you are in individual therapy, do you talk about this? Do you feel like you could meet someone else or do you feel like you put so much work in you might as well stay because you will probably never meet anyone else and you want to get married/have kids NOW. I only ask because I (and MANY other women) have found ourselves in toxic relationships due to low self-esteem/scared to find someone new and wanting things NOW.

Post # 55
Member
2890 posts
Sugar bee

@JustAnotherBee:  I’m sorry you are going through this. But I don’t understand why you are the one seeking therapist advice, when you’re obviously the only mature person in that relationship. Unfortunately, unless he decides to make drastic changes, it doesn’t look good for the future. He’s not a man. That’s the truth you have to accept : he’s a manchild, and he’s probably be a burden to you once you have a kid. If he doesn’t help around the house and have alone guy time, that will not change once you’re married and have a kid. 

I’m not usually one to advise to walk out of a relationship when reading a story online, but his attitude is a huge concern. Do you think there is mental health issue underlying all this ? Bipolarity or something ? But even if it was that, it’s for him to seek medical and professional care. 

I don’t know what else to tell you, but you’re 36 or 38, you’re supposed to be done with childish gamer boys, you deserve a man and a true equal partner.

 

@KateByDesign:  +1. True colors. 

Post # 56
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2015

 I am sorry you are going through this. I seriously see red flags and would caution you in proceeding much further. I am going through a rough time with my own Fiance (who is 35) and I see some parallels in how you say your Fiance acts and my own Fiance. I would be happy to discuss further via private messaging. I know it is not an easy situation and very hurtful as well. *HUGS* 

Post # 56
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

How are you going OP? Have things improved?

Post # 57
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

JustAnotherBee:  Heres the thing. I’ve been in both, a very abusive relationship and a very supportive relationship.  Your situation sounds like the first one. I moved in with a guy that I thought I “loved” because he was so convincing.  I left everything I knew, moved halfway across the country, and was freaking MISERABLE.  The first night we spent together…he spent in the other room because I did something wrong. But the only thing is, I didn’t.  I kept chalking it up to moving in, adjusting, having a bad day, etc. ect. From sleeping in the other room to throwing me agains the wall and constant constant fights. I was crying everyday, reporting my whereabouts to the minute, and sleeping alone. 

Then, I left.

 

And I am engaged to the most amazing man that always wants me to be happy. Do we get in fights sometimes? yes. Do we make up? ALWAYS.  Do I sleep alone? Never.  He makes me happy. I love to be around him and he loves to be around me.  I look forward to walking in the door after work. I hope he is home, EVERY DAY.  The point is – we fight, but I’m confident in us. We say we are sorry, and I believe it and I trust it. I never felt it before him.  Yes, people have hard times when they move in.  There is a difficulty in giving up alone time, in being around someone else all of the time, but I never, ever felt alone.

 

The thing is – you won’t realize this until you are ready.  It took a friend to literally rescue me.  I never thought I would be the one making a call saying “If I die, it was him” but it happened. And it happened over YEARS of living together.  It literally took my family showing up with a moving truck and packing my shit and moving for me to realize it. I wish I could be that friend for you.  I hope you figure this out, but I really honestly feel like you are headed down a road I have been. I looked for validation all of the time. I thought I could show him these posts. That he would see he is abusive.  But I knew deep down it would piss him off more.  Get away, as far away as you can.

Post # 58
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

JustAnotherBee:  I agree with what most of the other posters have to say about the temper tantrums needing to stop. But I wanted to add another perspective. 

You guys are an older couple and set in your own ways. And it appears that you moved into his space rather than y’all moving into OUR space. 

It may just feel like his space, individuality, etc is being conquered. Rather than the decisions he’s made on his own previously he needs to run them past you. Thus the whole I need my space and my time and my whatever. 

If you want to pursue a relationship with him it might be better to have equal footing and ownership. Also ask for what’s important to you.

For me it was having dinner together every night despite our  shifts.   Work/Sleep sometimes gets in the way but most of the time we planned out dinner so that one of us can atleast prep before the other comes home to cook and eat. That’s our communication and down time. 

Oh and on the video game thing. There’s nothing wrong with him playing if that’s his outlet provided that he does his chores first/during. 

My FH and I are also older early to mid 30s. He likes video games, me not so much. OnSaturdays if I sleep late he starts the laundry and plays his video games, let’s out the dog, does the dishes etc. When the laundry buzzes he stops the game folds and changes clothes and goes back to the game. No biggie. When I get up I can bleach the kitchen and bath and vacuum.  

I think y’all are missing the teamwork and partnership aspect. Having a shared ownership space will most likely improve things. 

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