(Closed) I HATE my creepy FIL. Need help to deal with my emotions.

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

Daisy_Mae :  This is the big distinction between people who are predatory and people who are just socially awkward. A normal person will be mortified if they’re told their behavior is creepy or otherwise making someone else uncomfortable, will correct it and even apologize. A predator will shift the blame elsewhere (you’re too sensitive, he’s just joking, it was an accident, he’s just ‘like that’ etc) and continue what they are doing in some form–enabled by people who think ignoring or excusing the behavior is easier than calling it out.

By being vocal and confronting him on his bullshit in the moment, you’re eliminating a big part of the ‘out’ that other family members have to turn a blind eye or pretend it didn’t happen that way. You’re making it less and less acceptable for others to treat him as a well-meaning old man, and you’re shifting the social pressure back to him to keep his fucking hands to himself. 

Post # 17
Member
366 posts
Helper bee

You’re right that the most suspicious part of the story is the family’s reaction. Most families would be mortified and deny it until they were blue in the face. It’s strange they didn’t come to his defense. It’s like you were telling them something they already knew. Your Mother-In-Law is okay and understanding of the fact that she and your Father-In-Law will never be alone with their grandchildren? That’s so strange. I can understand your stress and anger over the whole situation. I can’t stand grown men who take advantage of underage children. It’s sick. I wouldn’t want to be around him either knowing what you know.

Post # 19
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

sosojamie :  Speaking of the niece interaction you said he touched her upper legs? Like her thighs or her butt or like her lap? Not that it matters they are all creepy but I was just wondering so I could get a better idea of what happened. Was it totally at random or what? 

Post # 20
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Nothing you’re describing sounds that bad… I mean, he shouldn’t be commenting on your body, but he certainly doesn’t sound like a pedophile. There’s a big difference between touching a 16 year olds thigh and like REALLY touching a 16 year Olds thigh, you know?

Any chance you’re overreacting? Especially given that the 16 year old takes no issue with what happened.

If not, then I STRONGLY recommend therapy for you. I sense there’s something in your own past you’re reacting to more so than what you saw. It is not normal to have such severe reactions to something like this, and especially not normal to take anger out on your Darling Husband like this. Any chance your career in law enforcement is impacting your judgement here? 

Bottom line is that Darling Husband will live his father no matter what. And you need to learn to control what you say around him. Could you imagine if he said he HATED your father? 

Post # 21
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Sorry… just realized you began by saying that nobody defended him because they knew he wasn’t great, but then went on to say that people were defending him before hearing the other side because they knew him and it had to be innocent. Which is it?

And you prevented his son from contacting him on his birthday? Um wow. Just be careful before you ruin this man’s life.

Post # 22
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

NDTieTheKnot :  Where did you see that OP snipped the cord to the housephone and threw her husband’s iPhone down a well? It’s pretty clear her husband is getting necessary space on his own terms.

His son was the one who confronted him in the first place and OP’s post makes it clear he’s extremely upset with his father, and has had a strained relationship with the man for a long time. Other family members weren’t phased by the revelation of inappropriate behavior from him. His wife didn’t even question it when her son mentioned not allowing grandchildren around him. That doesn’t sound like there’s a pattern to you?

That “will always [love] his father” line is a bunch of bullshit. My Fiance is purposefully estranged from his abusive brother, and I can promise you that sharing a little DNA doesn’t force you to love and tolerate and forgive someone “no matter what.”

The only person who can “ruin” this man’s life is his own horrible self. I’m so disappointed to see ‘benefit of the doubt’ mental gymnastics when it comes to sexual abuse on here.

Post # 23
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Speck_ :  Sorry, but what I see is a woman telling a story with a ton of inconsistencies in it, and yes, I have doubts. I believe in facts, and I believe that not all men are perverts just because they are accused. I think if things really happened and this woman was telling the full truth, her story wouldn’t have falsehoods within it. 

She takes anger out on her husband to the point that it sounds emotionally abusive. So yes, I feel she has a huge part in keeping father and son apart.

Post # 24
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

NDTieTheKnot :  Abuse is defined by a cyclical pattern of behavior that depends on an imbalance of power. Having risidual anger over a single recent incident and snapping at your spouse because you are admittedly not coping with it is not “emotionally abusive”, good god. Don’t be obtuse.

I’m very skeeved out by your “a woman telling a story with a ton of inconsistencies”, “not all men are perverts just because they are accused” “if she was telling the truth” “but was it rape-rape” talk. You were quick to jump on OP for projecting some kind of personal experience onto the story and yet you’re breaking a sweat to defend the character of a man–a man you don’t know from Adam except for the information in the post–caught behaving sexually with a young relative.

I’m baffled why you keep attempting to villainize a woman deeply upset by witnessing a possible assault of her young niece by her father-in-law, all while twisting yourself in knots to paint this creep as ~the real victim~. Jesus.

Post # 25
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

sosojamie :  “The niece was spoken to by her parents (my Future In-Laws brother and his wife). I do not have confidence that her parents approached her approriately about it. I think they pre-judged the situation. They are a bit dense and not the most discerning people. They apparently said that if it did happen, it was probably innocent.”

I think you should reach out to the niece. If I understand correctly, she is your husband’s cousin, so she should know you to some extent. It sounds like from your professional work you know a lot about this sort of behaviour. If it’s not to the stage where Father-In-Law can be reported, you can at least talk to her about what is and isn’t acceptable and how she can avoid his touch, since it sounds like no one else in her family is any help. 

Post # 26
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

sosojamie :  I wonder if part of your anger is coming from seeing someone in danger, and feeling that not enough is being done about it. Since you’re in law enforcement, maybe you could speak to your niece from that angle? I don’t know how exactly she reacted or what her parents said, but the fact that she didn’t think he did anything awful is a red flag to me. Maybe she’s too shocked and trying to minimize this in her own mind, maybe he’s been grooming her, but in any case her reaction is worrisome.

Post # 27
Member
580 posts
Busy bee

If you are in law enforcement, aren’t you a mandatory reporter of abuse and neglect??? I would be calling CPS to check in on this. I could not in good concious just cut this man out of my life without ensuring that the child was being protected or checked on. ESPECIALLY if the parents were nonchalant about it, and no one really talked to her about what happened.

This girl needs to understand that she should not be touched in areas that do not feel normal (like back, shoulder, or hand as examples) or made uncomfortable by anyone, especially family!!! You’re not looking to rip her away from her family, but you are looking out for her.

Post # 28
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

hey, can you see a therapist?  

it’s normal to be disgusted and angered by what you saw, but you’re channeling that disgust and anger in a damaging way–you know this, obviously, that was the main point of your post.  Hopefully a therapist will help you deal with that angry in a healthier way?  

 

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