(Closed) I HATE my future in laws…

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: would you invite FIL's to ceremony and reception?
    Hell no they sound awful and you have every right to feel the way you do : (21 votes)
    36 %
    yes, if FH wants them there you should respect his wishes : (38 votes)
    64 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    207 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @LunaFleurLavender: It sounds very cliche’, but when you marry the man, you DO marry the family. Unless he is completely willing to cut ties, it sounds like you have more than wedding invites to worry about. Might I suggest some sort of counseling? 

    Post # 4
    Member
    662 posts
    Busy bee

    I know they always try to tell you that you’re marrying the person and not their family, but it’s not true.   That’s a myth.  You’re marrying into that family, so you need to find a way to be civil around them and to keep your cool around them, as you will invariably be around them for different functions for the rest of your life. 

    This isn’t your wedding day, this is you and your grooms wedding day.  If he wants his family there, you have to find a way to accomodate him.  Until your future husband decides that he wants to distance himself from his family, you’re stuck with them.

    Post # 5
    Member
    887 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2010

    @Miss_Words:  +1. In-laws are there forever– for better or worse 😉 Figure it out now before grandkids are an issue! Not including them when you could in the wedding reception could lead to resentment down the road.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3093 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    We’re facing a similar dilemma with FI’s grandmother.  She def has some sort of mental illness and a drinking problem going on.  In the past she has been horrible to me.  She used to write me ranting emails saying I’d need to lose weight to go on yachts with FI for his job (totally nuts), questioned how I planned to support FI on a Starbucks salary after I would inevitably make him lose his job (I am a week shy of graduating with my masters and have been working BA level jobs in my respective field since I graduated undergrad and have never worked at starbucks). Anyway she is completely alienated from all family members except FI whom she loves and adores…who wouldn’t?  LOL.  The last time we called she went on a rant anout FI’s aunt putting spells on her, she’s really vicious toward this aunt.

    But it tears FI apart not including her in the wedding.  I brought it up to him and he admitted it has been on his mind.  We talked about a bunch of options, possible consequences etc and finally decided we’d send a car to pick her up and take her home from the ceremony, she will not be allowed to stay for the reception for the safety of our other guests.  FI was really mindful of how I felt about this and initially avoided the wjole thing because he didn’t want to put me on any kind of bad situation on our wedding day.  With my blessing we agreed on the plan.  FI will have to explain all this to her and try to help her understand that although she has always been good to him the tensions are between her and all of her family members and he has to think of everyone.  She may choose to get upset and not come but FI wants her to know it will mean a lot to see her that day but the boundaries are firm.

    Not sure if this is actually relevant…but it came to mind.

     

    Good luck.

    Post # 7
    Member
    148 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Question… is your FH sticking up for you when these relatives are treating you like rubbish? The racism is unacceptable but the faux deafness is incredibly immature.

    If he is not sticking up for you and telling the in-laws that this behaviour is absolute bull I would be concerned about this setting a precedent for your marriage.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2334 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @LunaFleurLavender:  I really don’t know what to say except I am so sorry your dealing with this 🙁 they sound awful. Unfortunately if u marry this man and he’s not willing to cut ties (and by the sounds of it he’s not since he wants them at your wedding) your gonna have to put up with them 🙁 

    Post # 13
    Member
    2972 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

    If your fiance wants his parents there you should respect that. I’m sure he realizes that they are pretty messed up, but that won’t mean he doesn’t love them.

    Post # 14
    Member
    916 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @LunaFleurLavender:  I dunno, I feel like I kind of disagree with most of the posts. I kind of wonder how many of them are actually people of color, because as one I feel like there’s only so much garbage a person can put up with.

     

    It really sounds like your future in-laws need to grow up and stop being so prejudiced. If they treat you like this and by extension treat your FI poorly, how on earth are they gonna treat your children if you have any? I’ve heard sad stories about women getting married to men and the guy’s parents ignoring the wife because of her race…they would invite the kids over but the wife was never allowed. I think your FI needs to have a serious talk with his parents about how things will be going forward.

     

    But if you already feel this much resentment forward them and I certainly don’t blame you, then I wonder how it can be salvaged. I had to not invite close family members to our wedding out of demands from other family members and while it was tough, I’m still close to those people I couldn’t invite. While it will be your wedding day as much as FI’s…you do not want to have people around that will almost be guaranteed to make you feel like crap. My opinion is they shouldn’t be invited unless they promise to be nice.

     

     

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    2440 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I voted as soon as I read the first part about them being racist.

    Most of the time I can respectfully agree to disagree. Right now though, I am baffled at the overwhelming “suck it up and invite them” response.

    Forget that noise. Maybe it’s because I’m mixed, but there will be no racist ass-holes at my wedding. Period. Not to mention no child abusers, and no one who hates me. No one who would insult my family. No one who is not happy for us.

    I think your fiance needs to see a counselor to figure out why he wants to please these people… Inviting them is one thing (which i would already say no to) but changing your wedding just so that they can make it?

    I’m on your side. I would not want them in my wedding or my life.

     

    Post # 16
    Member
    2440 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Ps- to get some information from Bee’s who might actually have some insight into what you’d be dealing with, maybe you’d get more well rounded and informed responses if you post this to the African American board….

     

    just sayin’. It seems a lot of people really have no idea what it would be like to be not white and or the preferred color at your own wedding where a racist would be invited….

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