Post # 1
So I have an issue, I know it sounds terrible but I cannot stand my FIL’s. I will quickly list the few main reasons so you can see the kind of people they are:
They are racist and openly say that they do not want fh’s sister with a black man, and as her partner is black he is not allowed in their house. They even went as far as to say his sister had to pretend her partner was the plumber when her little brothers went round to her place as they didn’t want them to think being with a black person is okay.
Secondly their step Dad used to beat up his sister and I have zero tolerance for violence.
Thirdly the step Dad is an absolute pig and fh’s Mum uses him as an excuse for her own disgusting behaviour, I used to think she was scared of him so just allowed it but after seeing her behaviour towards fh she is no better. They talk to us like we are a piece of crap, no respect,nothing. When we told them we were getting married his Mum didn’t even get out of her chair to congratulate us and just laughed at us for how far away it was (a year and a half at the time). His step Dad has made me cry every time I have seen him because he goes out of his way to humiliate me or be rude to me in front of other guests or family members. His favorite trick is to pretend he cannot hear me when I am trying to talk to him. Last year he actually started telling people he had never met me and just because I have been to his home doesn’t mean he has met me.
My issue now is that fh wants me to change my wedding dates so they can come to the reception too which I am unhappy to do as I don’t even want them there in the first place. I am only allowing them to come to the ceremony as I can just about stomach them for a couple hours and as our reception is on a different day I am not inviting them to it, they will not know anything about it. Fh is creating a fuss about inviting them to the reception and saying we need to change the date to suit them, am I being selfish in putting my foot down and saying they can only come to the ceremony? I seriously cannot stand these people and I have been spat at every time I have tried to be nice to them, on some days when they have annoyed fh he tells me he agrees with me and that he doesn’t want them there either and other times he feels guilty and says he wants them there. What would you do?
Post # 3
@LunaFleurLavender: It sounds very cliche’, but when you marry the man, you DO marry the family. Unless he is completely willing to cut ties, it sounds like you have more than wedding invites to worry about. Might I suggest some sort of counseling?
Post # 4
I know they always try to tell you that you’re marrying the person and not their family, but it’s not true. That’s a myth. You’re marrying into that family, so you need to find a way to be civil around them and to keep your cool around them, as you will invariably be around them for different functions for the rest of your life.
This isn’t your wedding day, this is you and your grooms wedding day. If he wants his family there, you have to find a way to accomodate him. Until your future husband decides that he wants to distance himself from his family, you’re stuck with them.
Post # 5
@Miss_Words: +1. In-laws are there forever– for better or worse 😉 Figure it out now before grandkids are an issue! Not including them when you could in the wedding reception could lead to resentment down the road.
Post # 6
We’re facing a similar dilemma with FI’s grandmother. She def has some sort of mental illness and a drinking problem going on. In the past she has been horrible to me. She used to write me ranting emails saying I’d need to lose weight to go on yachts with FI for his job (totally nuts), questioned how I planned to support FI on a Starbucks salary after I would inevitably make him lose his job (I am a week shy of graduating with my masters and have been working BA level jobs in my respective field since I graduated undergrad and have never worked at starbucks). Anyway she is completely alienated from all family members except FI whom she loves and adores…who wouldn’t? LOL. The last time we called she went on a rant anout FI’s aunt putting spells on her, she’s really vicious toward this aunt.
But it tears FI apart not including her in the wedding. I brought it up to him and he admitted it has been on his mind. We talked about a bunch of options, possible consequences etc and finally decided we’d send a car to pick her up and take her home from the ceremony, she will not be allowed to stay for the reception for the safety of our other guests. FI was really mindful of how I felt about this and initially avoided the wjole thing because he didn’t want to put me on any kind of bad situation on our wedding day. With my blessing we agreed on the plan. FI will have to explain all this to her and try to help her understand that although she has always been good to him the tensions are between her and all of her family members and he has to think of everyone. She may choose to get upset and not come but FI wants her to know it will mean a lot to see her that day but the boundaries are firm.
Not sure if this is actually relevant…but it came to mind.
Post # 7
Question… is your FH sticking up for you when these relatives are treating you like rubbish? The racism is unacceptable but the faux deafness is incredibly immature.
If he is not sticking up for you and telling the in-laws that this behaviour is absolute bull I would be concerned about this setting a precedent for your marriage.
Post # 8
@LunaFleurLavender: I really don’t know what to say except I am so sorry your dealing with this 🙁 they sound awful. Unfortunately if u marry this man and he’s not willing to cut ties (and by the sounds of it he’s not since he wants them at your wedding) your gonna have to put up with them 🙁
Post # 9
@Miss_Words: I know, my Mum keeps telling me the exact same thing. His parents are moving away out of the country soon so we won’t see them in a long, long time, and if they do move back into the country we will have moved away and they will have no idea where we are and certainly even if they do they will have nothing to do with me children, I had already made that decision and told fh years ago from the time I found out the step Dad was physically abusive with his sister.
They may be coming back for our wedding, I say may because they probably won’t bother but fh then wants me to change all my dates to make is ‘easier’ (it will be slightly easier for them in July but there is still no good reason they cannot come in April, it will be down to if they can be bothered.)
Counselling wouldn’t work as the Step-Dad enjoys his role as the bully and has always been like that, not to stereotype but he is Turkish Muslim and very set in his ways if you get what I mean. Aggressive, nasty, very vocal with his insults to fh and enjoys upsetting people, especially me. I have put up with this for almost 5 years ow and I ust can’t take it anymore, I am truly at breaking point 🙁
Post # 10
@icetea: I am glad you managed to find a compromise you are both happy with 🙂 I am trying to do that by saying they can come to the ceremony but fh keeps going back and forth and I don’t see why I should have someone like him who I get nervous and anxious being around at our wedding, he would ruin it for me. Not even mentioning I would spend the whole night worrying he would be nasty to my black relatives because of his prejudice.
Post # 11
@younglady: Our way of dealing with it so far has been to not see them at all, I haven’t seen them in over a year. I told him straight I am spending no more christmases, new years, birthdays, bbqs etc with them as I do not go to someones house to be outright disrespected and humiliated. As his Step Dad is so nasty he banned FSIL from seeing her little brothers for no reason other then the black boyfriend etc, it is only recently that she has been allowed to see them, I remember when we first started dating FSIL wasn’t even allowed in their house, they made her stand on the doorstep and talk to them and when she asked for a drink they gave her a glass of water to drink on the front porch. So FH is worried that they will do the same to him if he says anything because it will kick off and he would rather try be civil until they leave the country so they don’t stop him seeing his brothers before then. Absolutely disgusting that they would use the children like that.
Post # 12
@nearlymarriedlass: Thanks. I worry to a point but like I explained to other posters they are leaving the country soon so just a few more months and we are free of them 😉 In regards to our future they will NOT be in it, even if they move back to the country we will be long gone and I have no intention of seeing them, it is just if they come back for the wedding which will only be a couple days but I do ot want them at the reception, I want to respect fh but why should I sit with blatantly racist people who I know are not happy for us in the slightest 🙁
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
If your fiance wants his parents there you should respect that. I’m sure he realizes that they are pretty messed up, but that won’t mean he doesn’t love them.
Post # 14
@LunaFleurLavender: I dunno, I feel like I kind of disagree with most of the posts. I kind of wonder how many of them are actually people of color, because as one I feel like there’s only so much garbage a person can put up with.
It really sounds like your future in-laws need to grow up and stop being so prejudiced. If they treat you like this and by extension treat your FI poorly, how on earth are they gonna treat your children if you have any? I’ve heard sad stories about women getting married to men and the guy’s parents ignoring the wife because of her race…they would invite the kids over but the wife was never allowed. I think your FI needs to have a serious talk with his parents about how things will be going forward.
But if you already feel this much resentment forward them and I certainly don’t blame you, then I wonder how it can be salvaged. I had to not invite close family members to our wedding out of demands from other family members and while it was tough, I’m still close to those people I couldn’t invite. While it will be your wedding day as much as FI’s…you do not want to have people around that will almost be guaranteed to make you feel like crap. My opinion is they shouldn’t be invited unless they promise to be nice.
Post # 15
I voted as soon as I read the first part about them being racist.
Most of the time I can respectfully agree to disagree. Right now though, I am baffled at the overwhelming “suck it up and invite them” response.
Forget that noise. Maybe it’s because I’m mixed, but there will be no racist ass-holes at my wedding. Period. Not to mention no child abusers, and no one who hates me. No one who would insult my family. No one who is not happy for us.
I think your fiance needs to see a counselor to figure out why he wants to please these people… Inviting them is one thing (which i would already say no to) but changing your wedding just so that they can make it?
I’m on your side. I would not want them in my wedding or my life.
Post # 16
Ps- to get some information from Bee’s who might actually have some insight into what you’d be dealing with, maybe you’d get more well rounded and informed responses if you post this to the African American board….
just sayin’. It seems a lot of people really have no idea what it would be like to be not white and or the preferred color at your own wedding where a racist would be invited….