Post # 1
Not her boyfriend. He’s fine I guess (although it still weirds me out that, as I posted about a looooong time ago, he’s turned himself into her clone in terms of her hobbies, interests, even her mannerisms. Yeah that’s still going on). But my sister has dropped off the face of the earth since she started dating him. And this isn’t a brand spanking new relationship either, this has been going on for 10 months! She lives in a neighboring state and we used to text all the time and facebook message between classes (she’s in grad school I’m in law school). I still send her texts (though not as much as before) hoping she’ll respond and she might respond about once every two weeks now, usually less. We were supposed to meet up to go to a theme park halfway between our states a few times this summer (we both got season passes specifically so we’d have an excuse to see each other). Well we only went once and she insisted we bring our boyfriends along because “he’s never be to *theme park* before!!” I love my boyfriend and I like hers fine, I was happy for them to go too and we had a good time, but I figured we would have a sisters only trip later. Nope. I texted her and asked her about going in August before we started school again and of course, no response.
I know the classic response is going to be “talk to her about it” and believe me, I have. And I’m not the only one. A few months ago she boo hooed to me about how a few of her friends went off at her and stopped talking to her because she ignored them for months. She apologized to me and to them and promised to get better about it, but she hasn’t. I’ve now brought this up three seperate times over the past 10 months (twice in a lighthearted joking way, once in a serious discussion) and she didn’t even respond to my last attempt to get her to come to her senses! It’s making me really start to hate her boyfriend even though I know it’s probably not his fault (he’d never tell her not to see her friends, she walks all over him and definately wears the pants in that relationship). I don’t know what to do anymore. The words “all I need is *boyfriend’s name*” have definately come up in conversation and I’m starting to worry she’s really taking it seriously. I should also mention this is her first relationship since high school (!!) and it’s very serious (they’ll probably be engaged before I will), so I’ve tried to be accepting about how much time she spends with him vs. everyone else, but it’s been 10 months now and getting a little ridiculous. I’ve taken to looking at old facebook conversations we used to send each other and getting sad about how close we were and how now I’m lucky if I talk to her twice a month. I have a boyfriend too, but I still want a relationship with my sister. I think you can have both, but do I need to just move on?
Post # 3
I’m sorry to hear this. I know exactly how you feel- my brother and dad have basically done the same things. The feeling that you’re not important is awful- Sorry you have to feel that!
I’ve told my dad that I have never and will never beg anyone to “give” me their attention- and basically he stopped talking to me for a few weeks. I’m guessing b/c my comment cut a little deep (I’ve NEVER been his priority and it is NO secret). My mom had a small get together for family last weekend for my bday- my dad and his gf showed- and neither of them even bothered to speak to me except to tell me goodbye. I found out later- the gf was upset with my mom for introducing my gparents as her “in laws”… lng story but my mom is VERY close to my dad’s parents— her picture is still up in their house.. and this hurt the gf’s feelings (not sure why just now… she’s been with my dad for a few years- and they visit often- sometimes at the same time as my mom…. I know it is unconventional- but I’ve found divorce does weird things to families- and everyone just has to agree that it is “normal”.
My brother- I don’t even know where to begin. His wife. ugh. I’ll leave it at that. They/He/She (it was a joint decision,)has isolated him by thousands of miles from his friends and family and sucked him into her very unhappy, white trash life. I can’t even relate to him anymore. I see him following so many of my dad’s mistakes in life- and if I bring it up— he just tells you what you want to hear. Nothing improves.
It seems that some people struggle in juggling having more than one “significant” relationship at a time. I really hope that she eventually understands that she is isolating herself and comes out of this. It is not healthy to only have one relationship like this. And, obviously- talking to her about this is not helping. Sadly, maybe she will just have to come up with this revelation on her own.
Post # 4
Well an update…she still hasn’t spoken to me. It’s been anothe rmonth :(.
I talked to a good friend about it and she was shocked. She said “if my sister did that to me I’d have driven up there personally to straighten things out.” I thought about doing that but…it just seems like begging for attention that she obviously doesn’t want to give. I begged for her attention for 8 months, texting her and pretending we had the relationship we used to have and just kept getting ignored. I’m done with that. She’ll contact me when she wants to.
This is just so depressing. If there had been some kind of fight or something it would be so much easier to understand, but she just out of the blue stopped talking to everyone! I go back and forth between being ridiculously sad and ridiculously angry. My mom just keeps saying “give her time” and tries to be endlessly supportive of her. She’s still texting her, even though she never and I mean *never* responds. I gave up months ago. She’s even told her back in July that her boyfriend is invited to Thanksgiving and she responded a week later “he probably wants to be with his family. I might go with him.” I told her to tell her GOOD MORE TURKEY FOR US and I was only half kidding. I don’t even think I’ll have the stomach to go if she brings him…I’ve been resenting him more and more because she never acted like this before she met him and I’m worried he might be manipulating her…
Post # 5
This situation happened with my one my best friends. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to make her come to her senses. The more you criticise her about it, the further away you’ll push her. So instead, you should embrace her relationship. Make friends with her boyfriend and try to hang out with them together. Talk to her about how great he is, become her confidant again. Once she realizes that you can be a positive part of her relationship, you may become a big part of her life again.
Post # 6
@AlwaysSunny: Tried that from about September when they first got together to February when she really starting cutting everyone out. Like I said there was no big blow up or anything (and there definately would have been if I said one bad thing about him). I really did like him at first and told her so. He creeped me out a little by being obsessed with pleasing her and getting her to like him, but I figured that was just the honeymoon stage and they’d get over it so I never said anything. The next step once I started realize she was pulling away was to gently bring it up, first as a joke like ‘haha you’ve disappeared lately!’ Next step was a more serious conversation, where she had the most bs excuse in the world for disappearing. Then back to pretending like everything was okay and continuing texting her as usual until the replies slowed to one a week then one a month then multiple months where I heard nothing at all. From the time she first went to college to right before she got serious with this new guy we talked almost every day. It’s just a real change and I hate it…
Post # 7
What made me horribly depressed about it today was gushing about my friend’s upcoming wedding and about how she’s making her sister the maid of honor…I never ever even considered making anyone else but my sister my maid of honor, and some of my closer friends have been in my life since elementary school. But she was always my best friend, nobody else could even come close. Now I don’t even know if I’d want to invite her…