- 5 years ago
The first time I had negative thoughts about my body, I was in second grade. I remember looking down at my legs and wondering why they were so big compared to everyone else’s. I was a chubby little kid. I evened out more in early high school, although up until maybe a couple of months a go I always saw myself as bigger or flabbier or something else negative as compared to everyone else. It led to so much anxiety and insecurity in my first relationship that lasted for five years, and now those feelings and behaviors are ingrained in me and I have to fight to overcome them. I based my entire self-worth on my body image, and I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for him or for anyone. I saw a little 9 year old girl sucking her stomach in in a mirror once, and it absolutely killed me because I know how it feels and how damaging negative body image can be, especially when it starts that young.
I feel that my idea of beauty is so skewed and molded by society’s image of beauty regardless of the fact that I know it’s not true. I’ve always wanted to be that small thin woman who is toned and athletic but still has a little bit of fat to seem more womanly. But just a little bit. Like I’m 5’4″ and ~120 lbs and sometimes I still feel like a cow. Sometimes I have such shallow thoughts that I absolutely hate myself for, both directed at myself and others.
Honestly, the majority of the time I think I’m pretty awesome. I’ve overcome so much of that anxiety and insecurity from my past and I’m in a really good position in life. But I still sometimes get the overwhelming feelings of not being good enough or just being lesser because my body isn’t perfect the way I want it to be. And it’s bullshit because nobody should ever feel that way based on something physical. Even when I’m finally eating mostly healthy and exercising more often and actually working toward that ideal body, I feel that way.
I feel it’s a combination of the media and society’s ideals and my own personality type that leads me to more extreme perfection that makes me feel this way. I also think my period is going to come tomorrow because I have a breakdown the day before every month (tmi, sorry). But I hate that regardless of however my life is going, I am always going to have those moments when I feel so helpless and worthless because of my body.
I just wanted to vent a little, but if anyone else wants to commiserate, please join in.