Post # 32
I agree with the PP who said you should go to some therapy together and definitely voice your concerns to him in a loving way. I’m not sure you should get married soon if you are so unhappy, but he is the father of your children and I wouldn’t want to give up on that relationship easily without trying everything out there first.
Post # 33
@MsW-to-MrsM: I’m pretty sure they are already married.
Post # 34
Hi sweetie, first of all I feel bad for you and what you’re going through. I didn’t read through all of the posts, just a few. I just finished up school to be a dietitian. I highly suggest you find a dietitian in your area that specializes in nutritional counseling as well. Your SO IS a compulsive overeater, and it is a disease just like a drug addict. The worst thing you could do is leave him, especially since you have children together. I would just tell him the truth, but in the nicest way possible and urge him to go meeting session for the sake of the children. That sleep apnea is a serious issue with obesity, tell him you’re scared he might die in his sleep one day and you don’t want to be a single mom. If you want to PM me and tell me your area I can help you find a good dietitian/counselor who specializes in what you need, or you may be able to get a recommendation from your doctor. Don’t see a nutritionist and don’t try to get him on a “diet,” they never work and have such a high failure rate. I promise he is just as miserable as you and I think at this point he is just eating his emotions away. You’re doing the righit thing reaching out for emotional support, and I bet there are support groups in your area for people with eating disorders that would be helpful for you to sit in on and learn about what goes on in their minds. A regular counselor or psychologist is probably not equipped to deal with this, if you do seek one out I would make sure they specialize in eating disorders. I know people usually associate ED’s with anorexia and bulimia, but compulsive overeating is one also. Good luck OP.
Post # 35
@cbgg: Her prior posts say she is getting married Oct 2014.
OP: I think it’s best you have a heart to heart with him and tell him how you are worried about his health, and his ability to be there for you as a husband and father in the future.
Post # 36
I second everything that has been said here, but I also think a major point would be to go through this journey with him. I understand that he has to want to change, but if he is willing to do that, try not to single him out.
If he is going to join the local gym and workout 5 times a week, do it as a couple.
If he is going to start taking nightly walks around the neighborhood, do it as a couple.
If you will prepare healthy meals, as you have been, the whole family eats healthy. I think one of the most important factors here is to not single him out and make him feel like “you’re the one with the problem, so you’re the only one that needs to make these lifestyle changes”. I agree that he has to want it, but trust me, it can be frustrating when there are people who probably eat just as badly as he does with a much higher metabolism who never gain a pound. I’m friends with some of these people, so yes, people like this do exist. I, however, am not one of those people, so I commit to working out at least 3 times a week, every week.
Life is about commitments. I’m sure there is some activity he will enjoy doing that doesnt feel like “Exercise”. The key is to find what that is for him, and help him along the way. I’m sure he knows that this is getting to you and your relationship, but maybe he feels like he is pursuing this change alone. Doing it as a team could be empowering, and trust me, when those pounds start melting off, which they will, he will be even more encouraged to keep at it 🙂
Post # 37
@wifey2be: I appreciate the honesty of your post. I have a similar situation with my mother — she’s not morbidly obese, but she has become very overweight for her height/frame over the past few years. Like your husband, it’s affected the way she’s lived her life — she never wants to be in photographs, even for major events like weddings and graduations, she’s stopped going to the gym because she thinks everyone is judging her, she is always saying negative things about her body.
I know it’s such a cliche to say this, but, really, your husband won’t change unless he wants to change and is willing to work for change. You can have an honest conversation with him, and discuss specific ways you will support him (going on walks together, for instance, in addition to your healthy cooking). His health is also the health of his family; it’s not healthy for his kids to have constant access to chips and soda and chocolate. You have every right to tell him you won’t tolerate having those kinds of food in your house. But, that can only help to a certain point.
I think the main thing you need to convey to him is that you realize this is a complicated, tough situation. He hasn’t gained weight simply to offend you; something else is going on here. And obesity is way more complicated than calories in/calories out. It’s about your emotional health, the way you handle stress and trauma, the way you relate to the world around you. Those issues have to worked out, just as much as diet and exercise do.
As far as marriage goes, it’s a sickness and health kind of thing. So if you aren’t married yet, this might give you pause. Even if he loses the weight, it will always be a struggle for him — I know it’s always been a struggle for my mother, and it’s been a struggle for me to maintain a healthy weight. It sounds like your husband’s weight gain has really caused you to lose respect for him. And a marriage can only succeed if you both respect each other.
Post # 38
There’s a confusing typo in there somewhere! Teehee. I still stand by saying she should not leave him, even if they are not married yet. They have kids and that means they really should try everything to make it work before throwning the towel in. Just my opinion though.
Post # 39
OP I feel for you. My FH is average now… but I honestly worry about him sometimes because he’s a lot like yours. Only eats fruits and veggies if I shove them in his face, is incredibly picky about them. Only ever wants to eat chips and burgers and pizza, loves beer and energy drinks, always says he wants to get in shape but it never lasts more than a few days before he goes “well, I’m stressed and I deserve something good.”
And what’s more, I know *exactly* where he’s coming from, because feel the same way sometimes. I enjoy healthy food more than he does, but the principle is the same: we both love to eat and hate to feel deprived or like we’re missing out on our favorite foods. The difference is I used to be fat before we met, but I lost a lot of weight and am really careful about what I eat because I know firsthand the consequence of not paying attention.
OP, if you come up with a solution to this, let me know. T_T. I’d love for him to nip this in the bud somehow but I know that I can’t make him, only he can decide to really go for that or not.
Post # 40
wow. thanks for the positive responce and advice from those bees.
Just to clear things up. we are not married yet. it still astounds me to see that that was the most important thing here to some people. our marraige status is irrelivent in this post. We have been together for a very long time. We have two children and he has another from a previous marraige who i consider my own.
I am going to marry him regardless of his weight. I love him. We have been through thick and thin together. We have lasted through more crap than the average couple bares in thier relationships. This includes bringing a micro prem born at 24weeks into the world (survived by the way), beating a 20 year drug addiction, building a buisiness together, me going back to uni with small children, him working over 70+ hours a week, being on the brink of financial ruin and much more. We survived all that because we are absolutely commited to each other. That is why i am writing this post. I am not going to let obesity take my wonderful man away from me.. physically and emotionally.
I do not love what is happening to my man. It is heartbreaking to watch his confidence in himself slip away. He loves food. He uses it to reward himelf, treat himself, console himself… any excuse lol. I need to find a way to help him change that habit. When he is stressed, he eats. When he is happy, he eats. My man is also very resistant to change. He feels most secure when he has a routine of what he knows and likes.
I was simply trying to vent that what his relationship to food is doing to him. Unless you have lived with someone who is obese or are/have been yourself, you will realise that it is not a pretty thing. The impact on the body is real. It is hard to watch happen. It breaks my heart because at this point I feel that this is a very tricky topic to bring up with him because I know he is sensitive to his size. He works really long hours for his family. He gives his businesss everything he has while he is there. I am very proud of him. He has recently beaten a 20 year pot habit. YAY!!!!! He did that FOR ME. In some ways the cliche is that he is too busy to go to a gym because of work. He eats crap food and has developed an addiction to it because he is always on the go.. and that is what is the most accessible to him. He eats more when he realised his weight loss goals have failed. He is also an alpha male and has to do it his way.
I am not going anywhere. I am determined to stand by him and support him as much as he has for me. We are a team. He is my everything. Hense why I am venting and painting such a graphic detail. I dont want this life for us. We have worked too bloody hard and given up way too much to lose the quality of living because of this. Im not the only one who is frustrated by it. He is, and so are our kids. Do you know how sad it is that a man who once confidently paraded around naked in fornt of me wont let me see him anymore? Its alot more than the physical stuff.. but its the physical stuff that has caused so much frustration… and so the cycle continues….
Post # 41
I get why you’re venting.
Just out of curiosity, did the weight problem get worse when he quit the pot? It’s pretty common for people to find comfort in another place when an old comfort is gone.
At this point, telling him to eat less is like telling an alcoholic to drink less. It won’t do any good, and in some cases can make the problem worse. His problem’s bad enough that it’s affecting his health and your relationship. The big issue here is HE needs to want to change. It sounds like he doesn’t like his situation, either. If he’s willing to change, a visit to both the doctor and a counselor could prove helpful. A counselor that specializes in this sort of thing could help teach him coping mechanisms that help him deal with food cravings and impulse eating.
If you are 100% committed to staying with him, you need to accept that he may never wish to change these habits. Or, if he changes them, it could take many years, which means you’d have many years of living with him in his current or worsening state. You should also have an open, honest conversation with him to express how truly worried you are about his health (he’s getting to the point where MANY health complications can affect him), and how his change in lifestyle is affecting your entire family and your relationship with him. It may or may not open his eyes, but at least you will have expressed these painful feelings.
Post # 43
I forgot to add that what is really tough and scary is the relationship to food that it is teaching our children. I do not want my children to develop unhealthy eating habits or relationships to food.
My sister is a recovering anorexic, as is my mother. I too had issues with eating and my relationship with food when younger (emotional & yo you). I as a child I had been forced to go on a diet by my mother since as long as I can remember. As a teenager I have lost count of the times my mum would call me fat (even in front of my friends) even when I was at a healthy body weight. My mother is still very nurotic about food and what she eats. Even when I visit her now, she still tries to put me on a diet.
Because of my mother and how she affected my sisters and my own relationship to dieting, I am sensitive to what critisism of your weight can do to a person…. so I dont do it, or say anything to him about how his weight effects me. I dont want him to feel judged by me.
I do support and encourage him in any effort he makes, but it is a fine balance between being supportive and nagging/being critical.
I want us all to be healthy and happy so we can enjoy our kids together and ensure that they will grow up to be happy healthy people with healthy eating habits and have a positive relationship to food.
Post # 44
Where is he getting all the unhealthy food? What does he say if you say, “Honey, we need to work together to help you lose weight.”? Because you’re a family, you need to work together to help him with his weight.
Post # 45
@wifey2be: your man has a eating disorder, an addiction, and if you truly love him you will help him, but, he has to be willing to change. you need to sit down and tell him how worried you are about his health, etc. you both deserve a happy and healthy life and relationship. you need to treat this as if he has a drug addition. he is addicted to food. tell him that you will not marry him until he gets help and gets better (recovery). this isnt about how he looks, etc. this is about his well being and, in turn, yours! good luck
Post # 46
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
Oh my. This is serious. You need to really, really consider what you are getting into. He is a food addict and needs help. Sounds like you’ve been through some really tough issues with food. How terrible your mom was to you! I imagine her treatment of food led you to someone who has a dangerously unhealthy relationship with food,
This is way past what you can do for him. You will have to make him see what danger he is getting himself into and hope he can get some help and make some changes. Your kids are at risk.