Post # 47
I sent you a PM. I have been “fighting obesity” all my life. I have been too embarrassed by my size, to talk to immediate family members. I know that immediate family members have been VERY concerned for my health. I have been concerned that my husband does not find me attractive. I am 4’10” and I weighed 205#s just 4 months ago. I am currently at 171 lbs. I have broken old die-hard life-time food eating habits. I am following a diet plan I obtained from one of my physicians’. It is the easiest food plan I have EVER followed in over 40 years! I haven’t joined some weight loss club, it is not a gimmick, and it doesn’t cost me extra money. I expect to be within a healthy weight/BMI by the end of the year. On my mom’s deathbed, she encouraged me to have weight loss surgery. I am happy that I am so successful with this, that it is VERY easy, I can easily follow this when I am away from home and it is so easy my family basically follows it too, (with a couple of modifications,) as I am the only one in my family that fights obesity. Please feel free to contact me. I have been so successful, my doctor asked if I’d speak to another patient that has similar health concerns that I’ve recently had. I’d love to give you and your husband some inspiration too. Remember that I have experienced the feelings and emotions that your husband likely has, and I had given up in despair-until my doctor gave me this plan. I sent you my home email. Let’s see if together we can save your FI’s life and pursuit of happiness. By the way, I don’t want any compensation for this, I just want to share this! If I can do it-I believe anyone can!
Post # 48
@abirdword: “Just out of curiosity, did the weight problem get worse when he quit the pot? It’s pretty common for people to find comfort in another place when an old comfort is gone.”
+1. Not only this, but pot speeds up your metabolism- which is why people get “the munchies.” That could be another reason he’s gaining weight. Not sure how much he smoked and whether it was enough to really keep his metabolism that high, but it could be a factor. Plus if he was addicted to pot, he could have what’s called an “addictive personality” I believe, which means he is very likely to get addicted to something. In the absence of pot, he has turned to food for his new addiction. It’s definitely something that I think will need professional help to help him overcome it. OP, I wish you all the best and hope that this works out.
Post # 49
I found myself teary eyed at your post.
I can only imagine the pain you are feeling & I wish you the very best of luck in him coming to his senses and rectifying this situation.
I know often advice does not help, and so more than anything I want to extend my support and friendship to you in this time of difficulty and sorrow, but I might also suggest he tries to drink a nutritional shake throughout the week instead of eating, and then he can drink on the weekends. I myself like to drink, so I know how unwilling somebody can be to getting rid of that habit. My sister lost about 110lbs doing Herbalife, and I lost 20lbs doing RAW Meal from Garden of Life (I had much less to lose). Perhaps you can get him to try something like these?
Again, I am praying for you, & if you need somebody to talk to, please PM me.
Post # 50
@gingernutjo: Just a FYI, diet soda is MORE unhealthly that regular. Just sayin’.
Post # 51
Oh girl, I’m so sorry for everything. I really think you need to encourage him to go to a therapist. It sounds like he has an addictive personality where he easily becomes addicted to things (having just given up a 20 year pot habit). He needs to talk to someone to figure out how he can fight these thoughts in his head and work to make himself healthy and able to help you take care of your children. I know that it’s horrible, but you need to take care of this now because if it continues, resentment will grow from the fact that he doesn’t help you with the kids and you don’t find him attractive anymore. I hope the two of you can work things out.
Post # 52
@wifey2be: I think you’ve done everything you can for him at this point, and I’d be advising him to get professional help, preferably from a counsellor. If he had a previous drug addiction, it could be that he has an addictive personality and has simply replaced pot smoking with food. He needs to be taught how to get out of that mindset because it’s not as simple as just not eating.
My Fiance has a similar issue. He isn’t obese, but he is overweight and always seems to fall back into the same old traps of crash dieting, breaking the diet, then saying ‘fuck it’ and bingeing. I try to do what I can – I make healthy meals for him to take for lunch at work – but then he’ll tell me he bought an energy drink or something and I’ll be like ‘are you SERIOUS?’. He beats himself up about his weight and absolutely hates himself but just telling him to stop eating crap food doesn’t seem to work. I am still attracted to him, but there have been times I’ve looked at his double chin or stomach and thought ‘ew’.
I know men can be weird about doctors, but honestly, this is a medical problem that he needs professional help with. I hope you’re able to help him recognise that.
Post # 53
Yes his weight certainly has increased with his giving up pot. He is also drinking more thant he used to as well to replace the pot. His drinking isnt excessive in australian standards by anymeans. I have also forgot to mention that he has also all but quit smoking ciggarettes too. Another life long habit.
It would be correct to say that he does have a bit of an addictive personality. A classic example of this is yesterday morning around 10am I made a meusli slice for the kids morning tea. By rights it should have lasted us 4 or 5 days…. my man had a taste.. loved it and it wass all gone by 10pm! On the bright side, because our 4yr old is very sensitive to additives, sugars etc, I always put in half the reccomended sugar or honey and up the nuts coconut and oats. So his calorie inatke could have been alot worse.
I just have to figure out how to get this personality trait of his to work for his health instead of against it. I have been very careful in talking about this topic with him, but I think its time to sit down and telll him how I really feel. As mentioned, I dont want this to be an issue between us. I just dont want to hurt his feelings. Above all of this he really is a wonderful man.
Post # 54
I so know how you feel – my mother went through something like this for a while after her and my dad got divorced. I became so angry with her because I was watching her kill herself and become sicker and sicker. I hated her and hated what had become of her. I know it’s not the same as a husband, but I understand the anger and stuff. Anyway she really turned things around. I don’t know what it was, but she came to the point where she knew she couldn’t live like that anymore. She stopped secretly eating junk food (because she used to cook really healthy food for us at meal times, bless her, but then would sneak food in the evening). She joined curves, she has now had two knee replacements, is back to cycling, has turned around her diabetes and does not need any more medication.
I’ve not gotten her into the 5:2 diet – both of us have been doing it and it’s fabulous. It might be something you can try with your husband. Horizon did a documentary with Michael Mosley on intermittent fasting which sparked the diet. It’s a good watch and you can find it online for free. It’s worth a try because it’s the perfect diet for anybody who loves food. He only has to be motivated 2 days per week, and then he can have his beer and stuff on the weekends.
Ultimately, though, the motivation has to come from him. He has to want to change. It’s definitely not too late, and he can definitely do it, but he has to really want to do it.
Post # 55
@MsW-to-MrsM: +1. If someone doesn’t want to make a change on their own, then they won’t.
Post # 56
I dont think your being given enough credit for being honest so i commend you on that, i got emotional reading your post it is very sad for both you and him. I think some of the qualities your are mentioning seems as if it is almost borderline food addiction in which the only way it can change is if he wants to change. Have you tried encouraging him to do workouts together or maybe begin a food journal (both of you) regaurdless if you need to i think it would make him feel less like its all about him and instead something you both can do together for encouragement. Try sitting with him and telling him how you feel and your fears for the future of your relationship…I wish you the best of luck!
Post # 57
I can understand your frustrations to a degree – his life is changing, he avoids forums that involve physical exertion and he’s apparently not taking care of himself that well from a hygiene perspective. He’s also apparently developing sleep apnea. But you take it too far with some of the punitive, disgust-riddled language you use. This is someone who was always a little heftier…but now it’s grown into a larger problem. So what changed, OP?
My first thought is, of course, depression or testosterone problems. No matter the underlying cause, this is obviously a source of stress for you and it’s a source of stress for him. Let me put it into perspective in a different way by comparing the morbidly obese to someone who’s tens of thousands of dollars (or even more) in debt. Where’s the motivation? In both cases, the person sees a long stretch ahead of them before they can be complacent – and it’s difficult enough to get there on your own, let alone with a partner who is disgusted and upset with you in the meantime.
Be gentle in your approach. Continue making healthy meals. If he works, consider packing him a lunch. Experiment with different foods. Encourage activity as a family – even if you have to get creative with it. Buying workout DVDs for at home or investing in physically active games (Dance Dance Revolution) could be helpful if he’s uncomfortable with being in front of other people. Bullying or cajoling him into doing something he doesn’t want to do won’t help; if he doesn’t want to partake, accept it and move on with the kids.
Show concern for him as a person – and for the rest of his life. Does he have a great deal of work-related stress? Would he be open to seeing his doctor or a therapist – if he’s been feeling depressed? Showing compassion can get you far.
I get the impression that you’re taking the weight gain as, “He doesn’t care about himself; ergo, he doesn’t care about me or our relationship,” and you’re reacting to it defensively. Regard it as you would any other sickness – your husband is ill and he needs your help.