Post # 1
I am a long time lurker and first time poster on weddingbee. I am at a point where I need some unbiased adviced from women who are going through the stress of planning a wedding.
I don’t get a long well with my fiance’s family. I really never have because we simply can’t see eye to eye on anything. We can get along on the surface but there have been several times over the past 4 years of daing FH that pretty bad fights have broken out.
When we got engaged his family was less than happy but made an attempt to be nice about it. Several weeks later his mother asked about how many bridesmaids I was having and I told her 5: my 2 sisters, my cousin, and 2 of my best friends. She immediately got huffy and said i needed to ask her daughter (my fiance’s sister) to be in the wedding. She said it was the only right thing to do and that his sister (lets call her Mary) was expecting to be asked.
I felt bad but I really have nothing in common with Mary. She’s only 15 (we are 25) and she’s extreamly immature for her age. She’s one of those girls that you look at and just know she gets picked on . I hate to be mean but she still wears Pokemon shirts to school and has a Lisa Frank lunch box. She comes home from school everyday and watches sponge bob and digimon. I really have absolutely nothing in common with her and I think she’s weird.
I told my fiance that his mother had pushed the idea of Mary being in the wedding. He said that he thinks its strange since they aren’t close but if it’ll keep peace to just do it. So against my better judgement I asked her and she accepted.
Now that we are getting closer to the wedding it’s just really annoying me that she’s apart of it. She has no friends in the bridal party and no one can relate to her so I feel like it’s always my responsibility to include her and talk to her which makes me not enjoy my time with my maids doing my wedding events.
WHen we picked out bridesmaids dresses she made the comment at least 5 times that she didn’t want to show her shoulders because strapless dresses were for hookers. And that she wanted to wear “Pikachu yellow” because the color I picked was the color of her least favorite pokemon. She approched my maid of honor and told her that she didn’t feel like she should have to contribute to the bridal shower because “she’s just a kid” and only has a part time job. It’s just things like this that are making me hate having her in the wedding. I wanted my bridesmaids to be my best and closest friends and somehow I got talked into having this annyoing pest there to constantly annoy and ruin every aspect of the girly togethernerss time!
Ugh just needed to vent and need some advice on how to handle this!
Post # 3
haha my 17 year old sister is my Maid/Matron of Honor. I only asked her because I felt it was my “duty” and I now regret my decision. She’s had no interest in the wedding except for when we went dress shopping and she tried to make the entire dress experience about HER. She tried on a bunch of different dresses and commented on how much better she looked in them. I ignored her. I have no contact with her outside of what she has to do with and her “duties” as Maid/Matron of Honor are being put on other members of the Bridal party due to her age. Examples would be that she has nothing to do with the B-party because my mother doesn’t want her “innocence to be taken yet” and her involvement in the bridal shower has been slim to none. I feel bad for my mother who has taken on a lot of projects that my sister should have been responsible for. It’s awful.
Post # 4
I think at this point you just have to try not to let her get to you as much as you are. It’s not like she will partake in the bachelorette party (assuming here based on her age) so at least you have that special time to spend with your closest friends/family.
I just have to add, that IMO, a 15 year old should NOT have to contribute to the shower, and that her parents or your Fi should be the one giving on her behalf–sorry but I don’t think that your Maid/Matron of Honor should’ve bothered stressing you out by telling you about her complaint.
Post # 5
That sounds like a tough situation. It must be hard to have someone in the bridal party that you don’t know that well. But that being said, I think you are being much, much too harsh on your future sister-in-law. It seems to me like you are taking out your frustration with your fiance’s family on his sister, and that’s really not fair.
She is only 15 – I totally agree that she should not have to contribute to the bridal shower. I am actually shocked that anyone would expect that of a 15 year old. As for strapless dresses, I would treat her as a junior bridesmaid and get her a style dress that has some straps. I don’t think a strapless dress is that appropriate on a 15 year old anyways, and I can’t really blame her for not wanting to wear one. Her comments about the color of the dresses are annoying, yes, but you said it yourself, she’s immature for her age. But if you ever want to have a good relationship with your future SIL, maybe you should try to get to know her a little better instead of just assuming that she is weird because she has different interests.
I would make some effort to get to know her a bit, and maybe find someone in your bridal party who she has something in common with so you don’t constantly feel like you are babysitting her and missing out on time with your friends. Give the poor girl a chance instead of just being upset that you were bullied into asking her to be in the wedding.
Post # 6
I think you should approach the relationship that you have/ will have with her in the future differently that you approach the rest of your bridesmaids. For example, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her not to pay for part of the bridal shower. Maybe it would help if you though of her more as a junior bridesmaid that a “regular” bridesmaid. I would even consider putting her title as a junior bridesmaid in the ceremony program if you are having one. Also, this would allow you to not invite her to everything (ex. bachelorette parties are often not appropriate for 15 year olds!)
Edit: And I don’t think that calling her a junior bridesmaid would be any type of demotion – more like something that is age based.
Post # 7
I’m sorry that this is making the wedding planning process less fun for you, that definitely stinks. No doubt, this girl sounds very immature and probably has some social awkwardness that prevents her from making friends easily. As you said, “she’s one of those girls that you look at and just know she gets picked on.” That’s a really good reason to just be as nice, welcoming, and friendly as you can. At this point, you can’t ask her to step down without causing hurt feelings all around. In the interest of family harmony, maybe you could include her in some things but leave her out of others – for example, no need to include a 15-year-old at a bach-type party.
Also, I kinda see her point about contributing to the shower, I probably had $30 to my name at any given time when I was 15. However, if she’s not contributing, maybe it will give you a chance to maybe do some shower-planning with just the other bridesmaids?
Post # 8
Oh, that’s a crappy situation – Would it cause too many waves in FI’s family if you suggested she might be more comfortable handing out programs, doing a reading, etc. instead of being a bridesmaid? You’d have to be really careful to make it sound like you’re not demoting her though. Maybe from here on out, just don’t invite her to any more of your outings with your girls – Just tack on getting drinks or something at a bar as part of your excursions that day, and if anyone approaches you about it, just claim she wouldn’t be able to make it because she’s underage. At least she won’t be able to tag along at the bachelorette though!
Post # 9
I just wanted to add that, in my opinion, the word “HATE” is a strong word, you should really reconsider using it to describe a 15 year old that will be your future SIL.
Post # 10
I say drop her. Remind your future mother in law about the finanical responsibilities of the bridesmaids: bridal shower, bachelorette party et al and remind her that your future SIL is not financial stable enough to handle this. Also, remind her of the decade long gap between them and that it is not feasible to include her.
If you can’t, how about you demote her to junior bridesmaid? Give her a different dress with straps and then just keep her off to the side ?
Post # 11
I feel like you are being a little tough on her and I don’t feel like, based on your description, that she has done anything so out of line to warrant your hate of her. If you don’t want her as a bridesmaid then don’t have her.
Post # 12
I totally agree with bride2bejc
about the use of the word hate. How would your fiance feel if he knew that you used that word to describe how you feel about his sister? I do not think its appropriate at all. You can hate the situation, but to say you hate your sister in law, especially when she actually hasn’t done anything wrong, is very harsh.
Post # 13
I think you are being a touch hard on her. By your descriptions she is a bit of an immature 15 year old as it is, so despite your personal feelings towards her, you cant really expect her to be paying for the bridal shower as she doesnt have the same funds as everyone else.
That said, she should probably be considered a junior bridesmaid… that way you are doing your duty to the family by including her, but she is acknowledged as being younger.
I am sorry you are stuck in this hard situation with her, but I doubt she even knows the real obligations that come with being a bridesmaid. I wouldn’t have at 15!
Post # 14
i totally feel for your situation cause I have a similar one going on in my wedding. My Future Sister-In-Law is in my wedding and is 7 years younger than us and I too was pushed into asking her to be in it by my Fiance. I have nothing in common with her at all and am really fearful that I’m going to end up babysitting her at bridal functions.
The difference between my situation and yours is that my Future Sister-In-Law has absolutley no interest in the wedding at all. I think she’s just as uncomfortable being in it as I am having her in it. My Maid/Matron of Honor sends out group emails to the wedding party asking opinions about the shower and different ideas and she never responds. SHe was the last to order her dress and told my Maid/Matron of Honor that she may be too busy with HS to attend the shower. It’s annoying but honestly whatever ya know.
I don’t thnk other bee’s should be attacking you on this though. Your wedding is about you not everyone else and you should be able to enjoy every second. It’s too late to really demote her now so just try to handle it as best you can :o)
Post # 15
There’s no way I would have been able to contribute to anything monetarily when I was fifteen!
It sounds like she’s just an incredibly awkward kid. Being around a bunch of people she doesn’t know that are an older group of friends isn’t going to help anything, either. Don’t you remember being 15? It wasn’t the easiest of ages.
And about her particular hobbies – yeah, Pokemon isn’t for everyone, but that doesn’t mean she should be a social outcast in your family. She probably is the type of kid that gets picked on at school. Shouldn’t that knowledge make you want to include her in your new family unit instead of picking on her too?
She’s just a kid. Make her a junior bridesmaid, buy her a bolero and let the kid be.
Post # 16
dude – i’m a high school teacher (sitting right this minute in a class full of 15 year olds) and this girl sounds alot more like 8 that 15. She sounds like she has some serious maturity issues and trying to incorporate her with a group of 25 year olds is not gonna help. If i were you i’d talk to Future Mother-In-Law and be explicit about how uncomfortable she is and you are in the process. Perhaps she could still be in the Bridesmaid or Best Man colour scheme, but it will be her responsibility to find a dress she can live with, and her duties will be very limited on the day. I’d be sure to keep the lines of communication with Future Mother-In-Law open though – if she sees on the day that her daugher is being ignored or relegated to menial tasks my guess is she’ll flip.