- 11 years ago
- Wedding: December 2011
Please stay on topic ladies. TOPIC:
How should the OP address her situation?
My advice is to simply make her a junior bridesmaid, as PP have so often commented already. The reason this suggestion has been repeated is because it honors your FMIL’s desire to have your FSIL be in the wedding party. On the other hand, it would actually solve your problem of not wanting your Future Sister-In-Law to be included in anything. A junior bridesmaid has as much responsibility as a flower girl. She’s in the wedding party but not paying or planning for anything. She’s not expected to attend the shower or bach party. She is in a matching dress with her name on the programs. I think that would save you all the drama. Take it for what it’s worth.
I agree the way to save everyones feelings is to re-assign her to jr bridesmaid.
Look… she is not young enough to be a junior bridesmaid. I think if she was 10 -14 that would be okay… but at 15 she should be given the title bridesmaid but not have the same expectations as the other girls. She’s the groom’s sister and it shouldn’t be a big deal to put her in a less revealling dress or for your friends to treat her as a “junior” member of the wedding party. I think the titled junior bridesmaid is more for girls who aren’t young enough to be a flower girl but are not yet in high school. I have to say that it seems that the OP needs to think about how she is treating this Future Sister-In-Law. Yes, your girlfriends are in their mid twenties, but surely you remember how being a teenager felt, and she probably feels weird being in a group that obviously doesn’t want to include her. As the adult, you need to figure out how to communicate with her, because she isn’t always going to be a teenager. You are literally making her a part of your family for better or worse. If it was me, I’d want her to think that I was the coolest neatest most caring SIL ever! So figure out how to make her find this wedding stuff fun! Take her shopping. Maybe go to Sephora and get a makeover together or get your nails down… just the two of you. She may seem a little weird, but maybe she is developmentally younger… that means you need to be mature and show that you care about her. There have been lots of posts about having special members of the family participate in the ceremony from children to special needs siblings. You need to show some graciousness to this girl! Who knows in another 10 years… she might be cooking your Thanksgiving dinner!
Does she have to be involved in every aspect of the wedding planning? I mean, you don’t need to take her shopping for accessories and shoes and talk about hairstyles with her, do you? I would just do all that stuff with your friends, and just bring her in when it’s necessary, as it gets closer. It doesn’t sound like she’d be super interested in wedding stuff anyway. At the end of the day, all she really needs to do is show up in her dress and stand up there with you, so maybe just have her do that and that’s it. But I don’t think it’s worth rocking the boat to put your foot down now and say you don’t want her to be a bridesmaid.
My heart kind of breaks for this girl. You say she gets picked on (or at least potentially does), is socially awkward, and the one person she could kind of look to as a role model is on a website bitching about her and making catty comments and complaining that she is a bridesmaid without “paying her way”.
I’m not trying to be mean, but I think an attitude adjustment from you would be quite helpful. This girl is 15. She is going to (hopefully) be your family for the rest of your life. You were only planning on having 5 bridesmaids, so continue to split the costs 5 ways as they were originally planning on doing. I absolutely CANNOT believe your Maid/Matron of Honor hit up a 15 year old for cash, then ran back and tattled to you that 15 year old wouldn’t pay up. Frankly, I can’t say I’m impressed with anyone’s maturity level from what you’ve described.
You say you have a history of not getting along with his family, and I wonder if this isn’t a reason why. Getting married isn’t just about you having a perfect series of events where you are the star and don’t want to be bothered by a socially awkward 15 year old- it’s about joining families and making compromises. I would try my hardest to find something to like about your Future Sister-In-Law, and maybe enlist a few other members of your bridal party to talk to her at events so it’s not always you trying to entertain her. Don’t expect her to financially contribute to your showers and parties. And maybe, as her future SIL, you can help her be less awkward.
I would talk to FH and explain how she acts and the fact that she has nothing in common with the other Bridesmaid or Best Man. You could suggest to her that she could be a Jr Bridesmaid or Best Man. That way she can chose a different dress and you REALLY don’t have to include her in the other Bridesmaid or Best Man activities. I mean think about it… I think that 15 years old is a little too young to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man anyways expecially if you don’t have anything in common with them. You can’t take her out for the Bachelorette party, and you sure as hell can’t take her out drinking….
Now, if it were me…. I would politely tell her that if she WANTS to be in the wedding, she can be a Jr Bridesmaid or Best Man which would accomodate her better and that’s it. If she doesn’t want to do that, then she would just have to be a guest. I would not let anybody tell me that I HAVE to do something for somebody else on my wedding day.
You are entitled to your feelings on the matter but I honestly don’t see what the big deal is. Just have her show up on the day of with the right dress and accessories…the end.
There have been numerous posts on here abt brides having issues getting ADULTS to show interest in their weddings, pay for dresses in a timely fashion, communicate in a timely fashion….and the list goes on and on. You are expecting a 15 year old CHILD to do these things?…ain’t gonna happen. I think your FSILs mother should be responsible for paying for her daughter’s “day of” clothing, hair, and accessories….but that’s it. Have the other BMs split the bridal shower and bachelorette costs between them. I also agree with a PP that you should try to carve out some time to spend with your Future Sister-In-Law one on one to try to get to know her.
Oh gosh I know exactly how you feel but luckily for me no one guilted me into having my Future Sister-In-Law in my wedding party or I might’ve been the one posting this. My very first thought when reading was put her title down as Junior Bridesmaid or Best Man. Much more appropriate for her age and then she can have a different dress.
I don’t think it’s rude that she’s not contributing to the shower but I do think it’s rude she brought it up. Was your MOH asking her for money? I feel for you. This is a tough situation.
I think you are being way too harsh on this girl. I was a jr. bridesmaid in my cousins wedding when I was 12 or 13 and I literally contributed nothing. My mom paid for my dress, I showed up to the rehersal dinner and wedding and I paid no money for anything. I was a kid…I didn’t know any better nor did I have the means to actually contribute to the bridal party. I had no idea what it meant or that it was a “honor” to be in the party.
Of course you don’t have much in common with her, she’s 15. But 10 years really isn’t that big of a difference and in a few years you could feel differently. As your future sister in law I think you need to suck it up and get off her back. And since you know she gets picked on in school maybe you could stop bashing her on a public message board.
@Pink Bubbalicious: I can see how you’re not connecting with her and feel that she’s totally awkward. That sucks and it seems like you’re resentful of your Mother-In-Law for making you include her. But this girl is going to be family and if you treat her kindly, with respect (and don’t let her silly comments about what color she prefers and how weird you think she is get to you) then you will be the bigger person.
So for advice, I agree with the other posters about asking her to be a junior bm, approach it as an age thing, do not mention money to her or to anyone else and let her know that it’s still important to you and your FH that she is apart of the day. This is your way to gain peace with the situation and as long as you do it in a respectful way, you both will win. If she asks what the difference is, then just let her know that it means that she won’t have to sit through boring things like DIY projects and other things that you should make sound boring so she doesn’t feel like she demoted.
Try to remember that weddings can be more than just two people marrying but about families joining together. People change a lot from 15 to 25, from 25 to 35, look forward to the future and having a good relationship with her when she matures…
Take a deep breath, think about how you would feel in her position (hearing from your future in-laws that they’re not completely supportive of this union, then getting thrown into the wedding that they’re not thrilled) she’s been put in the middle of what seems to be a hostile territory and if you can show kindness and grace to her, then maybe this could be a bridge to better relationships with his family.
To the OP, I usually wouldn’t respond to a post like this because I don’t like hurting people’s feelings but thank God you are not marrying my brother. If you were, and I came on this site, and saw what you wrote my sister, best believe that there would be some ‘xplaining to do. Your post does not make it sound like you respect her or even like her actually. This is going to be your sister-in-law for life. She’s 15 now, and 10 years looks like a lot of difference but trust me, the older you get, the more those years start melting away. It pains me to know that you have probably discussed this with some of the BMs, at least the Maid/Matron of Honor who tattle-taled on her. It’s bad enough she doesn’t know anyone in the Bridal Party but to now have people look at her ‘somehow’ because of what you’ve said about her (if indeed you did say something)… argh, I should quit while I’m ahead. Sorry if this sounds like a scolding but your post rubbed me the wrong way.
How awful… she isn’t doing anything wrong, she’s just an awkward kid. She shouldn’t have to pay for anything but certainly would be nice of her to help. But really, be nice.
OP, I get that you are upset that your Future Mother-In-Law guilted you into this situation, but don’t take it out on a young girl who has done nothing wrong except be different than you.
I think you need to seriously take a step back and think about whether excluding or demoting the girl who doesn’t fit into your definition of “normal” is worth isolating his family over?
Because, in my family, excluding someone because they are “weird” would end badly.
My Advice: Give the girl a pashmina, add some straps to the dress, make the Bachelorette Party “21 and older” and be happy you found the love of your life.
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