(Closed) I Hate one of my bridesmaids LONG

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Hi, OP. 

I can totally understand you feeling badly that someone, even if it is a teenager, who annoys you and makes you irritable would be in your bridal party.  It is hard to get past those feelings, suck it up, put a big smile on, and move forward.  I have been in that situation, and yes, it is very, very hard.

However, considering things are already tumultuous with your future in-laws, I would do my best to act sweet as pie to this girl.  If things go badly with her, I can see your Future Mother-In-Law telling your fiance that you were mean to his little sister, that you’re evil, why is he marrying you, he can do better, etc. etc.  It may not be true, but if it goes down that path, it won’t end well one way or another.  Either your future in laws will hold a grudge against you potentially forever, or god forbid the fiance starts to think badly of you as well.  Then what happens?  

I agree with the previous poster who recommended reaching out to her.  Just hang out with her for a few hours and see how it goes.  Why not invite her over one Friday night for pizza and movies with you and your fiance?  Order some food, relax on the couch, watch some Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy that is kid-friendly.  Or play monopoly or something.  You may even start to feel better about the situation.   The more time you spend with her, the more relaxed you may be by the wedding, and the more your future mother-in-law will like you.  Let your fiance and mother in law handle her expenses for the wedding.

 

Post # 48
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Someone made the comment she can’t be a Jr bridesmaid because she’s 15.  That’s BS.  You can make people anything they want.  My FI’s two daughters are in our wedding.  They are not a bridesmaid (the 21 yr old) or flower girl (6 year old).  they are just “in the wedding” wearing dresses I picked out to match the Maid/Matron of Honor and walking their dad down the aisle. 

I also agree that she’s 15, so she shouldnt be considered a “real” bridesmaid – include her in some things, but not all the stuff you do with your friends.  This way she’s in the wedding – but you’re not bogged down wiht her.  Oh – and I’d have whomever is doing the shower to hit up the Mother-In-Law for the $.  This whole thing was her idea.

Post # 49
Member
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I get that you’re upset that you felt forced to put the little sister in your bridal party, but that’s no reason to say hurtful things about her.  Remember, she’s 15.  She can’t even drive and some people are late bloomers.  When I was 15 I had no idea how expensive it was to be a bridesmaid, I would have been really uncomfortable in a strapless dress, and I would have been even more uncomfortable hanging out with a bunch of people who knew each other, but who I didn’t know, who were also 10 years older than me.  For the sake of your future relationship with your in-laws, I’d suggest spending one-on-one time with her.  A PP said to take her for a pedicure or makeover, and I think that would be a good idea, but I’d also try to do an activity that appeals to her.  If you show interest in her as a person and accept her for who she is, maybe she’ll show more interest in you and your wedding.  

Post # 50
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Ugh, I feel like I’m showing age here (only 36!:P) but 25 is still pretty young and apt to be a little judgemental still.  I  mean, come on, to anyone here that’s 30 or so, when you were 25 having a friend 10 years older or younger seems like something that would NEVER happen.  But when you’re an adult, in the working world and socializing you realize that age is not a consideration when friends are made, you know?  It sounds like maybe the OP (this is NOT an insult – I think its totally age appropriate) is a bit immature still to adult relationships and so this seems like your Mom making you bring your little sister to the mall.

I mean, the Maid/Matron of Honor is gossping about a 15 year old Bridesmaid or Best Man – the sister of the groom, don’t forget- to the bride.  Is that something that a 30 year old woman would do? No, of course not!  But a 25 year old?  Just 3 years out of college and only newly into the career world (I mean in general here, I know there are exceptions to the rule) you still think of socializing as between like-aged people at bars, clubs and that kind of thing.  Of course a group of five 25 year old girls are going to see a 15 year old as a burden – they’re only 7 years out of teenage-hood themselves, you know? Add to that the 15 year old being a little immature or innocent still and that leads to all kinds of judgements.

So while I think that everyone here could stand to mature a bit and that a kid that ‘looks’ like she may be picked on should never, ever, ever be made to feel different, weird or ostracized by family (you are going to be family with this girl) I can still understand why a 25 year old might feel like ‘its not fair’ to have to socialize with a teen.

My suggestion is to only include her in the dress shopping (I’m sure you only made wise and helpful comments as a teen Wink) get her an age appropriate dress that matches the color/style, don’t try to solicit money from a freshman in high school, lol, and have her show up to the rehearsal dinner and wedding.  I really don’t think you need to include her in the adult stuff like hair/make up.  But just remember – sometimes the kids that seem odd are the ones that are going to cure cancer and the cheerleaders end up taking orders at the diner 😉  Give her a chance – one day you’ll be 50 and she’ll be 40 and you’ll realize that friends and family can be relatable at ALL ages.

Post # 51
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

OMG. You can’t be serious. Give her a break. She is a kid. And more importantly – your Fiance little sister. #1 how could you have thought about not including her? Getting married is a lot about honoring your families. How inconsiderate to not want to include her. And so she’s a little immature, how does that affect you? If anything call her a “jr bridesmaid” and just have her take part in the major wedding things, not the small thing you do with just your bridesmaids. It’s not like she’ll be at your bachelorette party. Whether you like it or not she’s your future sister. And why would you expect a 15-yr old to contribute? She should be saving for college, not blowing her money on your wedding. If anything your fmil can pay for her.

 

Sorry if this is a little ranty – but I get frustrated when I see brides on here thinking only about themselves. Just bc it’s your wedding doesn’t mean you can’t think about your family and friends. The little sister just wants to be apart of everything. It obviously means a lot to her to be included.

Post # 52
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think it is your job to reach out to her, she is your younger FSIL!

She should be a junior bridesmaid and be able to have a different dress.

Remember, when you are 35, she will be 25 and the aunt to your children…just to keep things in perspective. So, I think it is important that you include her and make her feel comfortable…and 15 is still very young, however mature she is. Good luck.

Post # 54
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

The tough part here is that your FI’s sister can probably tell that you’re exasperated with her. Like other posters have suggested, a bit of “getting to know you” time might be what you BOTH need to feel better.

My suggestion as a nerd: rent a good Japanese animation movie with her; something you’ll both enjoy. The English version of Princess Mononoke is very good (Claire Danes, Minnie Driver), and you would probably enjoy it too. Or rent Avatar together. Something that you both may have interest in. It might get you talking.

Post # 55
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I feel for the OP because it isn’t fun when someone you don’t want get thrown in the loop of your planning and everything get off balance…you’re obviously going to feel frustrated and recentful.  Yes, wedding are said to be all about the brides, but in my cultural..it’s more about the joining of families and celebration of that union with loved ones.  Furthermore as brides and groom, we are honor to have our close friends/family be a part of our day.  If we would be honored enough for them to be our bridesmaids/groomsmen, we provide them their outfits (dress, hair, makeup, etc.) to be a part of the bridal party (be it adults or otherwise)…it’s part of the wedding day celebration and it is a gift for them . It was paid for me when I was a bridesmaid and I will be doing that for my own bridesmaids. If it was your little sister (not fsil) that you love, would this bother you, regardless of whether or not she was “weird.” Which btw doesn’t have to be 15 year olds. I have college friends who were into those things too…

Post # 56
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think this was a troll… only 2 posts…

Post # 58
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

An internet troll is someone who posts controversial/weird topics that are intended to get a reaction or emotional response from members.

Post # 59
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

a 15 year old child should not be a bridesmaid. A junior or honoray bridesmaid perhaps, but IMO, 15 is pretty young. She can’t possibly be able to afford a dress on her own, or contributions to the shower.

I do have to say though, that kudos to her for still being a kid. I’d rather see a 15 year old watching cartoons and carrying a lunch box than going out and smoking crack and getting knocked up. JMO.

Post # 60
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Being (fairly) fresh out of high school, let me clear something up. I doubt your SIL is immature for her age. A lot of the freshman/sophomores when I was in HS (last year) were into this ‘kid’ fad. Aka wearing Pokemon, Rainbow Brite, Carebears, watching Spongebob, etc. This isn’t ‘weird’ at all. I’m guessing when you say she’s socially awkward she may have been one of the goth/punk-ish kids. Coming from a similar group (at least throughout most of high school) I know that in this group there’s a much different sense of humor, and she may not be awkward around her friends, but around you she is. This could be from insecurities, or just awkwardness. As the adult, you should reach out to her.

And I doubt she was being serious about the color thing. You just might not have taken it as a joke (again, the different sense of humor).

Oops, this is an old topic… oh well.

Post # 61
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Reading this old thread made me realize the recent drama filled post may have been real. Cuz this girl does sound like someone who would have no regard for the ex fiance’s feelings.

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