(Closed) I hate the Best Man

posted 5 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 2
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

Before my fiance and I decided to elope, we discussed our Maid/Matron of Honor and Best Man situation with each other and I was in the exact same boat as you.

For me, his “best man” was extremely rude to me from the beginning of my relationship with my fiance. He was extremely sarcastic, always undermining me, always drinking and saying rash things, and he once pretended to slap me!

I WAS LIVID when my fiance told me that he wanted that monster to be his best man. I hated him so much that I  didn’t even want him to be at my wedding, let alone by his best man! But he IS my fiance’s cousin and it’s really tough and disheartening for my fiance for me to control his decisions. I eventually accepted but I explicitly let him know why I felt this way about his cousin. 

I honestly don’t know if you can do anything about it. Your fiance’s best friend is always gonna be his best friend, so its gonna be tough to disconnect that. \:

Post # 3
Member
6803 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Typically I’d say it’s not your decision.  But the minute someone on either side starts talking smack about the bride or groom, all bets are off.  They are supposed to be standing up with you in support of your marriage, not rolling their eyes and thinking it’s the biggest mistake of someone’s life.  I would talk very calmly about your concerns to your husband and ask that he rethink the position – dissing the bride and coming onto the groom are both unacceptable, IMO.  (no offense but..) Even if you actually deserved their scorn, there’s a right and wrong way to go about bringing up concerns to the groom and they’re doing it wrong.

Anyway you can’t force him, but maybe a little perspective is needed.  And I’d lay off “hate” as a descriptor – reserve that for perverts and murderers.  You don’t like or respect him and vice versa, and that’s good enough.

Post # 4
Member
3416 posts
Sugar bee

If his best friend was a girl and hit on him a couple of times, I feel like your fiance would not be asking her to be in the wedding…..

Post # 6
Member
10275 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I don’t feel that it’s appropriate for someone who hasn’t been supporitve of the relationship, especially someone who has gone so far as to trash talk one partner in the relationship, should be standing up by the couple on their wedding day.

My husband has a long time friend he didn’t ask to be in our wedding because early in our relationship he said some really awful things about me and really wanted us to break up. Although we have all moved past that and are on much better terms now, my husband wanted people who had supported both of us for our entire relationship so his friend just attended as a guest.

I think it’s fair to voice your concerns to your Fiance about the issue. I wouldn’t focus on your dislike of him, more on his behaviors that really should disqualify his as a best man (trash talking the bride & hitting on the groom). Just because you told someone in high school they could be your best man does not mean that years later when the time actually comes you have to hold to that. 

Post # 7
Member
11360 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Why doesn’t your Fiance tell these people to STFU and why is he having this person stand up for him when he doesn’t respect your relationship? 

Sorry but your Fiance needs to man up and start protecting his marriage and wife or there are going to be a lot more problems like this. 

Post # 9
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee

This feels like jealousy to me–the best man wanted your Fiance but couldn’t have him. You have him so the best man doesn’t like you. And sister in law jealousy and cattiness is pretty common. Perhaps because you’ve done well for yourself…that’s a common catty theme amongst women, for some reason–mostly the competitive types.

So I would pay the trash talk no mind. It’s petty and beneath you. But I do find it both disrespectful and uncomfortable to have a best man standing by your FI’s side during the ceremony who doesn’t like you or support this marriage. That would piss me off AND put me on edge. Out of respect for my feelings, our relationship and my comfort, I’d be asking my Fiance to consider my feelings and pick someone else.

Post # 10
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
juniebee24 :  I hated the best man too. He was a horrendous person. He was the best man in our wedding, but the friendship went down the tubes. He wasn’t supportive of the relationship either, always trying to get my husband into trouble with old friends. He even went to the extent of calling an ex-girlfriend to show up at our place. However, on the bachelor party night he said some things he couldn’t take back and my husband quietly let him be in the wedding (there was no drama, said his speech and left at 10pm) and then my husband kissed his ass goodbye.

My husband walked away from that one; and it’s only been a month since the wedding. & he’s happy, he realized it wasn’t worth the stress.

Post # 12
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
SLOBee :  +1. 

And I still fall back on this in such situations: you need to ask your fiancé why his best friend (and/or sisters) feel comfortable talking trash about you to him. He’s obviously not standing up for you in the way he’s pretending he is. 

Post # 13
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

If I have to be honest I would be concerned if my husband as best friends with someone I hated. I don’t have to like all his friends and he doesn’t have to like mine. But if someone is making me uncomfortable and talks badly of me and doesn;t treat me well, it would be a huge red flag to me if my husband continued to be best friends with such person. 

And yes, the tradition says bride chooses bridesmaids and groom chooses guys. But both should have a say. I would definitely protest to a bestmen that I hated. 

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