(Closed) i hate to even think this but i need to know im not alone…

posted 9 years ago in Military
Post # 3
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

While I’m not in your shoes currently….I was in a previous relationship.  It’s hard, and I think it takes a special person to handle it all.  And it sounds like you are that kind of person, so you can do this.  I know the best thing for me was I was able to meet-up with a group of wonderful ladies who had loved ones deployed as well.  We met for dinner once every other week near the base he was deployed from.  This was in the intial “shock and awe” campaigns and we were all fearful for their safety and I always felt more distanced since we weren’t married (that and as special forces I had no contact with him for months at a time).  I could never explain it well either….it was just like I longed for that permanent bond to comfort me a bit.  My advise is look to the local bases to see if there are ladies groups you could meet up with, and value each email/conversation and visit.

And as you start planning turn to us on the Atlanta boards, we’ll give you a collective southern bee hug and help you out as best we can ๐Ÿ™‚

Hang in there….you and your FI are in my thoughts during these hard times.

Post # 4
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Hey there, first of all BIG hugs!!  I can’t say I understand exactly because my Fiance never finished his basic training.  But periodically he mentions re-enlisting, feeling like he wants to serve, and I have to face that.  Here is what I do know though— the news media is out to sell their product and their agenda.  Everything is exaggerated and I have friends serving in Iraq and Afghanistan who say it’s really not half as bad as the news makes it out to be.  I recommend getting involved in a support network of other army wives, and seek out positive stories of other people in your position.  The more you rehearse your fears and run them through your mind, the more real they seem.  I don’t know where you stand on religion, but from my perspective I would say dig into the Word and take comfort there.  Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009 - Ceremony: The Kraine Theatre, Reception: Midtown Loft & Terrace

Like the other ladies have said, he will probably come home just fine. But I’m sure that’s not much comfort to a worried heart and mind — you are very strong to be dealing with this, I’m not sure I would be able to without worrying myself sick over it!

That said, could you maybe do a private ceremony at city hall with just you and your parents and still have the big southern wedding next summer? I don’t know if that would make you feel better.

Big hugs!

Post # 6
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

My love is coming back from Iraq on August 14!! ๐Ÿ™‚  It is scary, but you just have to believe that everything will be okay.  Don’t put any other thoughts out in the universe.  You’re wedding will be EXACTLY what you both dream of and you’ll be able to appreciate the excitement all the way up to that day.  Specialist Sierra (My love ๐Ÿ™‚ ) always tells me that he would never let anything happen because he loves me so much and he WILL come home to me.  2nd LT Murray won’t let anything happen to himself because he loves you with all his heart and is as hopeful for that big day as you are!

Always here,

Bravo

Post # 7
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I think your worries and fears are normal and anyone in a similar situation would feel the same way. I haven’t had this happen to me, but to two friends. Both were with their boyfriends for a long time when the guys received their orders to be shipped out. One decided that she couldn’t let him go away and not be married. She couldn’t explain why she felt that way and still can’t. They were married a month before he left and she hasn’t regretted that choice 5 years later. In the three months between the notice and the wedding they were able to plan a simple but wonderful church wedding and reception. The other friend also decided to get married, before he left, in a civil ceremony with just a few family members. For them, it was a “we’re getting married regardless, might as well do it before you leave, so you can receive more money.” Apparantly, people inlisted that are married receive more money? I’m not sure but that was her perspective. Plus, she has found a lot of comfort with other wives in the group. That’s just two perspectives that I’ve seen.

You could do what Miss Star said and go to city hall and then plan the wedding/renewal/reception/welcome home celebration afterwords. Only you know what will help your heart and give you peace of mind. The wonderful thing about feelings is that you don’t have to justify them. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

Is there any particular reason why he doesn’t want to get married—even if it’s a short and sweet civil service—before he leaves? Especially since he’s in the military there is always that awful chance that something could happen and if it does then you would be taken care of if you’re married. If you are not his wife you won’t receive a single thing.

My fiance was supposed to deploy this month, but he was taken off the deployment list. Had he gone we would have eloped and just been married on paper, but would have had the ceremony and party with everyone when he got back. In the military that’s a very common thing to do.

I hope you’ll be able to talk to him again about this! Good luck ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 9
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

My fiance is deployed right now in Afghanistan with the Army, he is an airborne infantry soldier so basically all of the dangerous stuff is what his group does. I worry about him all the time and there are times I feel like just breaking down, but I try my hardest not to. You have to be strong, both for you and him. You can’t let him know that you are thinking those things, because the last thing your fiance is going to want to hear is that you are worried that he might not come back because I promise you he is already thinking about it. I let my fiance know that I miss him, and that I hope he is being as careful as he can be in the situation, and that I cannot wait until he comes home to me, most of all I let him know that I am proud of him and I love him.

You just have to deal with it. You have to deal with the worries and keep going because they will always be there. They won’t go away until he comes back home and you have to accept that. It is impossible to have someone in a warzone and not worry. And as tough as it can be that is all there is to do, just deal with it.

Post # 10
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

Oh I hit enter before I finished my post. But what I wanted to add was that even though you do have to deal with it, you don’t have to do it all alone. Us girls with guys deployed need to stick together. So if you ever feel like talking/venting just message me, and there are other great girls on here too going through the same thing.

Post # 11
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I was you two years ago. My now-husband was a 2LT in the army and left for a 15 month deployment. The month leading up to it i was consumed with all these awful thoughts, which he thought was silly. He told me that if he was meant to come home safely, he would, simple as that. He said if God wanted to take him, it wouldn’t matter when or where, it would just happen. He also said that us getting marrie dbefore his deployment wasn’t fair to me because if he didn’t come home, i’d be a young widow and he said he couldn’t leave me and do that to me. But he said that if we waited until he got home, it’d be a big celebration to us that we stuck it out and that we would really appreciate it. You can still be there for him despite getitng married afterwards, and to me, you have’nt indicated naything in particular besides his deployment that says you want to be married, like you have children or you’re worried about health insurance or you live together and need the extra money the army pays deployed spouses, etc. We didn’t want to get married just because he was leaving. I got 2 cats while he was deployed and tried to remind myself that as an officer, he was safer than enlisted men (for the most part) and that helped me appreciate and be lucky for the situation that I found myself in. i was grateful that we got email during the day and one phone call a week b/c some people didn’t even have that So i tried to justify the whole thing and it really helped keep my emotions in check. You ahve to be strong for your fiance, too, and it’s hard to not fall apart. But when you fall apart, they fall apart, and they can’t do their job as well. I tried to always be positive on the phone so he knew i was thinking of him, but also so he didn’t have to worry about ME while he was on his missions. I wanted him to have full eyes on himself. You can do this and there are lots of support groups out there, but since your husband has to wait, I think he probably has a lot of the same reasons my husband did. And let me tell you, when we were saying our vows for the first time at our wedding, I really felt like “wow we did this and we waited and we deserve this and it’s all official and WOW!” and it made me feel like waiting was totally worth it. Like a reward or something almost. You’ll be able to keep yourself busy with the wedding planning, too. The first month is the hardest, at least for me it was. After that, you get very used to the new routine of being alone and you almost become comfortable. I haven’t seen my husband in a month now and I won’t see him until the end of August (hopefully) and it’s like a piece of cake now. I just tell myself i’m goign to do what “I” want to do. I go to bed early, i cook what I want, I do what i want when i want, and i go to the gym a lot. He thought it was really great that i got into really good shape while he was gone. It gave him something to look forward to, too. I know this all sounds silly, but you learn to find joy and appreciation in the little things. Yes, friday nights would be nice to have a date, but you become content in sitting around in your pj’s with a glass of wine doing invitations. I had my cats and when i felt particularly lonely, i either got out of the house and rented a movie, or I got on the internet and did lots of wedding reserach. Thinking about the happy day to come really brought my spirits up. Also, i bought a webcam and would record him videos, then send them along so i knew that when he got up he’d get to see them. It  was something he really appreciated. I filled my emails with tedious “this is what i did today” crap so that he felt connected and knew what was going on in my life. It’s the little things, like knowing i had a bowl of cereal for breakfast or i bought a new flavor of coffee, etc. He loved rundowns of my days and I alwasy packed him care packages with the greatest stuff. Include a few extra bags of goodies for his buddies, too. Not all of them have wives or fiances or girlfriends or anyone at all who’ll send them care packages. It feels good to not only support your SO, but also his unit. They’re all in it together. Get in contact with a few of your fiance’s buddy’s SO’s. I met two other military SO’s that way and we would send messages on facebook on a friday night or just say hello. It’s a sense of community, but you have to reach out for it, too. If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to PM me. You’ll be amazed at how strong and independent you beocme. it’s a good thing =]

Post # 12
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

ejs4y8, I always like your level-headed advice/shared experiences for military brides, it’s comforting. Because you discussed the emotional aspects of the situation well, I will just add my strictly logical thinking two cents.

Mrsmurrytobe, if I were in your situation, I would have a civil ceremony, only tell our parents, and continue with you wedding ceremony planning. My Fiance and I were going to do this for much more superficial reasons than yours, but things worked out somehow and we didn’t have to. Our Chaplain said this is very common.

You did not mention whether you are close with his parents or not. I am not close with my FI’s parents and at times, when he’s away for the weekend, I get overwhelmed worrying about what would happen if something horrible were to happen. His parents are the beneficiaries for all those what-if things that come along with military service. I worry about not being able to pay our mortgage, not having a say in his final resting place, and most of all not being the first person notified.

It is not my intention to worry you, just to share that I have the same fears. No matter what you choose everything will work out ok.

Post # 13
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Thanks, MrsMurray. I’m glad to hear that. You have some good points. I had the same fears about money, too, and laying him to rest. Ultimately, though, he said that if something SHOULD happen to him, he felt it was his mother’s duty to bury her soldier and I would reside as the wife-that-was-to-be. It sounds harsh, but he makes a point. I would have been very heartbroken over the whole thing and in the time to come, I probably would have moved on with my life and married someone else and had children. And his mother would still have no son and would still be relatively poor. From his perspective, I would be fine, no matter what. I would never need that money, but his family really did. I think in a way, this was my husband taking care of his single mom (who raised him all by herself in a difficult situation), knowing that I would be able to take care of myself seeing as how I have a solid college education. It kinda sounds awful to put it that way, though, but it’s something else to think about. Really, how dependent on him are you, right? Do you have a house together, etc? The Army does pay the beneficiary 2 million dollars (for 2LT’s) in case their soldier doesn’t come home. Granted, we didn’t own our house together at the time (i think if we had, it’d be a very different story and I likely would have laid out more practical reasons as to why we should get married, as it was I was in college and I was 100% financially independent on him). If you share any sort of property value or anything of that nature, know that the military will include “hazard” pay into your SO’s paychecks, and I can’t remember if it’s an extra $1,000 or $1,500. If you own a house together, you could really earmark some of that for your future.

I know quite a few military wives who got married before their husband’s deployment. It’s very common and welcomed in the military community. But if your fiance is really against it, don’t talk him into it just for the sake of it. He might really be looking forward to coming home from his deployment and officially making you his wife Smile

Post # 16
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

In response to how “we” do it (I put we in quotes because I’m not a wife yet!). I think you kind of just do it because you have to. You can’t spend your days wallowing and thinking about the possibly going on to them while they’re deployed – the worry would just eat at you alive. When my Fiance was deployed the last time I allowed myself a few days to cry, be sad and feel pitty, but after that I focused on other things: writing him letters, sending care packages, etc. When I talked to him on my phone I tried my hardest not to let him hear the quiver in my voice from almost crying (I let the tears fall once we hung up).

It is hard and extremely scary, especially for us just waiting on the other side, but you have to remember that you’re not going at it alone. If anything you have this forum here (!) and there are several forums out there for military wives/girlfriends/fiances (www.womenofliberty.com and http://www.militaryissuedgirlfriends.com); those are two that I joined during our first deployment and just having other women to vent to and talk with helped more than I can tell you.

Hang in there – you’ll get through this!

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