Post # 1
Member
31 posts
Newbee
If any of you read my long-winded ramblings about misgivings regarding my fiance months ago, you probably know that I was feeling torn and confused. You’d think I’d be feeling better these days – there was finally a proposal. Well, at least a proposal in a greeting card. People know about the wedding. It’s on.
Since then, I have been feeling worse and worse and even worse about everything. My fiance hates things like weddings (his and other peoples), reminds me that he never wants to be a sugar daddy (which is ridiculous because everything I wear is from thrift shops), isn’t sure he’d be a good father and isn’t sure he could handle it if I were ever permanently disabled (financially or emotionally).
Lately I was forced into compromising with him – He wants to elope and then show the video at our wedding when people are seated waiting for the ceremony. He says that he will not be able to stand in front of people and say vows, even if it’s a three minute ceremony with no processional and only two words.. I DO. I beg. I cry. I tell him how painful this would be for me. I love my family dearly … I want to get married with them present. They are our support system.
I used to try to fight for the wedding and the marriage but now I stay up late calculating out how much money people have spent on flights and my parents have put down in deposits and my heart just races. I want to run. I feel trapped. I’m terrified. I’ve never felt so angry that a man would put me in this position… I’m pretty sure he loves me “in his way” or the best that he has to give, but it’s not enough. He’s the most reliable, kind, caregiving type of person but he’s also brutally honest, doesn’t like having people around and puts incredible pressure on me to rise above my ptsd and create a well-paying career. After what happened to me, my group of therapists and counselors told my family it would be lucky if I ever worked again… at the most menial job.
I don’t know if anyone has gone through this before – There are times I think I’m just messing everything up but my deep intuition is that I’m in a bad situation. I need help. I don’t think I have it in me to cancel this wedding without help and support. I feel like no matter what I do now, it will be a bad outcome. I’m stuck. And I feel like I’m about to make the biggest mistake of my entire life. I just can’t bring myself to call it off after everything.
Please tell me if this is just cold feet.
Post # 3
Member
5656 posts
Bee Keeper
Based on the things he said, he just doesn’t sound like he’s right for you. He doesn’t sound like a partner, supportive or like he compromises. I think you deserve better than all that.
Post # 4
Member
2443 posts
Buzzing bee
@MsJ2theZ: +1
OP, it definitely does not sound like cold feet to me. It sounds like you know this is not the right thing to move forward with, but you feel stuck. It will be hard either way – cancelling the wedding or going through with it.. but one IS worse than the other and a much more permanent decision. You should talk to your family about this. Do they know how you’re feeling? I don’t think they would want you go through with it. Money is just money, your sanity and well being is irreplaceable. Good luck!
Post # 5
Hostess
3571 posts
Sugar bee
@sweetandconfused: Uh no. That’s not cold feet. That’s you recognizing that this isn’t a relationship where you feel comfortable or happy with the give and take. To be totally honest, I would not marry your fiance with what you’ve said here. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who seemed to put so little stock into my challanges, strengths and desires. I also really want children so that would have been a dealbreaker for me as well.
I think you know in your heart what you should do. Hugs. I’m sure it’s going to suck, but it sounds like you’ll be in a place to better focus on you and your desires/wishes/dreams when you don’t have someone else putting additonal pressure on you and askng you to compromise major parts of yourself.
Post # 6
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
All those things he is against are kind of basically what marriage is all about. When two people decide to get married, they’re agreeing to be “a team”–a team that cares for one another through good times and bad. The whole video at the ceremony is ridiculous. People coming all over and spending money to witness your special moment and they are treated to a video?
Marriage only intensifies problems, it doesn’t make them go away. Please take this advice from someone who has been married twice, the first time a painfully long nine years trying to make it work with someone who just didn’t care.
I know it’s hard, but it’s a thousand times better to break it off now than to go through the heartbreak of divorce down the road, especially if there are children involved.
Post # 7
Member
2957 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
Put on the breaks!! I had so many misgivings before my 1st marriage, but didn’t call it off because I was worried about the deposits, family coming, etc. We started out divorce proceedings 5 months after the wedding. Don’t put yourself through that! Everyone will understand, trust me.
Post # 8
Member
31 posts
Newbee
I feel so incredibly stupid and like a failure. I’ve been more stable with my fiance than I’ve felt in a lot of years… but he also stirs up deep feelings of fear and inadequacy within me. I’ve also come to realize that for the most part when the rubber hits the road, this man will compromise to make me happy but I’m just so damned tired of feeling like he doesn’t give a shit about marriage. When I mentioned delaying the wedding so he could have more time to see how my financial situation plays out, he said we either go through with things or go our separate ways.
Even as I mention all that, I just feel blah… Like I’m done even talking about it. I just wish it would magically go away but I know it’s going to be hell to cancel this.
Post # 9
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
@sweetandconfused: No, thats not cold feet! He doesn’t sound very supportive of you- especially where he said he didn’t know if he could handle you being permantley disabled. If he LOVES you, that isn’t something that would matter! I think if you talked to your family, they’d fully understand where you’re coming from and realize its best for their daughter not to be with this person, regardless of the fact that they’ve put down deposits and etc. When it comes to you being happy, healthy and stable any parent would say thats much more important than money. I think you know in your heart and your gut what you need to do. It will be very hard, and trust me, I know, I’ve broken off an engagement. But once you do it, there is a ton of weight lifted off your shoulders. We’re all here for support!
Post # 10
Member
6352 posts
Bee Keeper
This doesn’t sound like cold feet, this sounds like legit concerns. I suggest asking your therapist for help on how to move forward on this (which means cancelling/postponing the wedding, among other things).
Post # 11
Member
4808 posts
Honey bee
@sweetandconfused: You are not having cold feet – it sounds to me as if you are realizing that he is not the partner you deserve. A man worthy of your love will love you no matter what, for better or for worse, and will say those words with joy in front of family and friends.
You deserve the best. Don’t ever forget it. *hugs*
Post # 12
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
@sweetandconfused: To me, cold feet involves a sense of fear of the unknown, something we may all encounter in any big transition in life. It could come from a practical worry about the cost of a wedding or from just general anxiety about change. These things are normal. But I think when you can point to specific worries and cite your partners specific words that make you feel panic, distress and worry, that signals something bigger is going on.
His saying you either bend to his demands or end the relationship is not compromising. Its an ultimatum.
His pressuring you to work when professionals have suggested otherwise is not caregiving. It’s cruel.
The most real thing that jumped out to me is his unwillingness to say vows to you. It doesn’t sound like he’s nervous about doing it, as many people are, its that he doesn’t actually feel compelled to vow to love you for who you are and who you will be for the rest of your life.
You say your family is your support system. They will get you through this. Please reach out to them.
Post # 13
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
The right man for you loves you unconditionally and will say that he does in front of your friends and family without hesitation. It sounds like he’s more worried about money than he is about your feelings. Real love doesn’t feel this way.
Post # 14
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
@sweetandconfused: Please please please take it from me!! If you have these doubts and reservations…break it off and cancel the wedding!! Your parents and everyone else care about you and only want you to be happy. Trust me, if I would have acted on my intuition I wouldn’t have dealt with an extremely costly divorce, my credit ruined and horrible abuse. Cancelling a wedding is extremely hard and daunting but a divorce is much much worse and expensive, I can assure you of that!!
Post # 15
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper
@sweetandconfused: it WILL be hard to cancel the plans – but, you know what will be even more difficult? Marrying him, realizing you shouldn’t have, and then going through the pains of divorce (or staying in a marriage you realize you should have never entered in). You are NOT a failure. You are NOT stupid. You are one of the bravest people I know. There are many women who would not be able to face reality and ask themselves the tough questions. You should be PROUD of the process you are in and my hope is that you will look back on this time in your life and be so happy at your strength and courage!!! We are here for you!
Post # 16
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
@sweetandconfused: OP, first off, I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Second, before you make any rash decisions, I really think you should go talk to a counselor. None of us Bees truly know your situation. We only know what you’ve shared with us, but a counselor will be able to help you get to the bottom of your feelings.
For what it’s worth, based on what you’ve said, I don’t think your fiance is treating you very well. What’s the deal with not wanting to stand up in front of everyone? Does he have stage fright? Is he afraid to tell people he loves you? I mean, seriously?!
Good luck with all this, but please please please, think long and hard before you make any decisions.