I hate to speak ill of the dead, but damn, this woman…LONGGG NWR vent

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

ttckp1108 :  I believe she’s mad at the “has hurt me deeply” part more than anything.

Post # 17
Member
2760 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Don’t shoot me but your inability to sleep may be related to second guessing your own actions over the last 8 years. Anyone would,  you were a hormonal 16 year old worrying about things teenagers shouldn’t have to. You said you wouldn’t see your dad on your 16th birthday,  then he died. That had to be hella painful.  At his funeral you said grandma hugged you when you left.  She had to be grieving too as he was her son.  Grandma was obviously jealous of the closeness you had w your teacher Mrs Jones. No excuses for grandmas poor behavior but jealousy is not typically a sign of lack of caring. The final time you saw grandma she remained at your accident scene for 3 hours you said.  There would be no reason for someone to do that unless they wanted to assure themselves that things were ok. Her actions tell you that even if she had no words. 

I agree with your dh, grandma cared for you and was obviously hurt by your lack of relationship.  On the other hand, you were only 16 not fully mature and had a tumultuous upbringing with dysfunctional parents and grandparents. Grandma was in the wrong. She should have tried to reach out to you again. She likely felt she would be rejected but she still should have. She was the adult. 

I agree with a pp about counseling. You’ve been through so much. 

Post # 18
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

mrstodd2bee :  Nope nope nope, sorry but I disagree completely. I too had a grandmother (maternal) who was possessive of her children to a damaging level. She was kicked out of all three of her daughters’ homes at different times in history. She taught me at the age of 3 to walk up to my dad and tell him “mom doesn’t need you because you’re useless, you should leave.” She guilted my mother constantly because she didn’t live with us 24/7, and almost caused my parents to get a divorce. This is not a woman who was misunderstood, this was a bad person. Could she be pitied? Sure. But not justified  by any means.  

A lot of times we equate jealousy or possessiveness with an underlying feeling of love. That’s not always true. Some people are simply incapable of having mature, healthy relationships with anyone who threatens their relationship with their child. This is called selfishness. Your grandmother was clearly a toxic person, and it’s actually healthy to address her as such. You should feel absolutely NO guilt for what happened in your life, it’s clear you tried to do the best you could with the situation you were presented with. I’m so happy there were people in your life to help you and guide you, that’s wonderful. And your teacher is a rock star! 

The reason I’m so against trying to find the good in really bad people is that it forces guilt on those who were severely hurt/damaged/abused by those people. I’ve had this from both my grandmother and my mother. The best thing you can do, which you have done and are doing, is identify the bad qualities in toxic people around you and learn from it. Don’t be like that. Be loving to those who love the people most important to you. Grow your circle and make your life one of inclusion, not exclusion like your grandmother did. It sounds like you’re on the right track, which is awesome. I hope you’re able to sleep soundly soon. 

Post # 19
Member
2760 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

shortbread654 :  nope, nope, nope.Sorry for your pain in your unique situation but nowhere did I say the op should feel guilty. Not at all.   You added that in based on your own sad experience and feelings. .  I’ve just found in life that rarely are people black and white good or bad. 

I stand by what I said,  I agree with ksn’s Dh who knows the her well, the facts,  and what transpired in more detail, even if he didn’t witness it.  We have only a brief emotional snapshot here.  I agree with him that grandma cared and was hurt.

However ksn should NOT feel guilty, even though she said she deliberately did things to Piss off grandma, grandma was still the supposed adult. At 16, ksn was only a child surrounded by dysfunctional adults. How confusing.She managed things the best she knew how at the time. Despite this she created a successful life for herself. Good for her!

 

Post # 20
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

I don’t even know what to say! I am so sorry for all the insaness you have been through! Your Darling Husband sounds very ignorant about it all! Stay strong! 

Post # 21
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this. Your grandmother clearly wasn’t well…. Can you imagine what it must be like living such a narcissitic hateful existance and never being able to escape it? She was her own worst enemy and tried to drag everyone around her down with her. She failed dragging you down and it made her even more unballanced. Stay strong and live the happiest life you can. If the photos are something you want to see, keep them out, otherwise stick them in a box in the closet and move on. 

Post # 22
Member
9606 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

*hug* I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure so much.  Hopefully, now that she’s gone you can find peace.  

 

Post # 25
Member
47203 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

ksn1219 :  My mother partially excluded one of my sisters from her will. I was the executor of her estate. The lawyer specifically told her that in our jurisdiction if you are not treating all children equally you must say why. She did, and she bequeathed that sister a specific amount of cash, rather than a percentage of the assets like the rest of us. That way there could be no question that she simply forgot to include that sister.

Post # 26
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

julies1949 :  I’ve heard this too as being a part of a will that doesn’t divide up assets evenly between children or bypasses one all together. It makes it more difficult to successfully contest a will if you are the person being slighted.

Sorry OP that adults in your life didn’t do the right thing by you in life and even in their death. Your grandmother shouldn’t have done what she did. Don’t think about it and let it go. Don’t let her have the satisfaction of hurting you one last time. She wanted to do that to you and worded her will with as much venom as she could. Hugs to you 

Post # 27
Member
8263 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ksn1219 :  

I had ‘together again’  put on my mum’s and dad’s headstone after we buried her in the grave with him,  years  and years after his death. It felt and still feels the absolutely right  wording. He was the light of her life and vice versa .

I was lucky I didn’t  have to  have anyone moved.  But it is a wonderful idea I think , whether anyone else  in the family thinks it’s odd  or not . Such a comfort to take flowers to them both together.

 As for having  ‘husband and father’ put on, it may well be perfectly possible if you are their only child  and ‘responsible’ for the gravesite  as it were . Lovely idea.

Post # 28
Member
941 posts
Busy bee

I read your post and am in awe of you.  I could not be more amazed by your strength and perseverence through such difficult situations.  I hope your Darling Husband becomes more understanding towards your feelings about your grandmothers will.  She sounds like a truly awful person.  I hope that your future is full of kinder people 🙂

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