(Closed) I have a problem…

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Ask them first, and give them the opportunity to decline if the travel will be impossible for them. It always feels good to know that you were the first choice, and then the ball is in their court and they can gracefully bow out. They sound like really good friends, so I would hope they would understand if they aren’t able to do everything you think you’ll need them to do.

That said, I would also clarify, for both yourself and them, exactly how much you expect of your bridesmaids. Mine are all also out-of-town, and basically their only responsibility as far as I’m concerned is to show up the weekend of the wedding in the green dress that they picked out. If you really want them around for dress shopping, decorating, etc., or if it really matters to you to have a shower, bachelorette, etc. that they can’t be there to plan, be up front about that so that they can make a clearheaded decision and there is less chance of hurt feelings and miscommunications later.

Post # 4
Member
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Bridesmaids don’t need to be there for planning (if you need their help as friends, they can advise you over the phone or internet). And they don’t have to be there for any pre-wedding events. I had one attendant, my best friend from grad school, who lives far away and who arrived two days before my wedding. It was fine.

This is tradionally all about who stands up with you at your wedding. The rest is a bunch of stuff modern brides have created as “necessary,” when it really isn’t. For centuries, the bridesmaids did nothing but appear at the wedding and stand up with the bride. So this is about the people closest to your heart being there for your wedding, not about who is geographically closest and can go with you to everything you do during planning. Of course, it would be lovely to have our bridesmaids all there for everything,  from dress shopping to showers to DIYing our centerpieces, but that is all gravy. What really matters is being surrounded by the people you love most when you say your vows.

Post # 5
Member
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@FluffysMama:  Why can’t they be bridesmaids?  All they REALLY need to do is show up in the dress you choose (taking into account body image & budget, of course).

As far as planning, DIY projects, and other details, well… it is your FI’s wedding too.  He should be the one helping with that stuff. 

My BMs are local, and not all of them are dropping their own plans every 5 minutes to help me look at flowers.  Some are crafty, some are not.  No big deal 🙂

They could still help plan from afar.  Think, Pinterest inspiration boards, e-mailing links to venues, texting pictures of you at your dress appointments.  They can still be emotionally supportive & encouraging throughout the process even if they aren’t close by.

Post # 6
Member
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@FluffysMama:  I meant to ask when is your wedding?  It might be a good idea to wait until 9-12 months out to ask anyone, as relationships & people change, and weddings tend to bring out the cray-cray in everyone :/

Post # 7
Member
7647 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

If you wedding is more than a year away, I would wait to ask as you may change your mind.

Second, your wedding party should be those you love most and want beside you. Even if your BM’s are across the country, they can still be BMs. As a PP said, they don’t have to be there for the planning. I would ask them, especially if you are still close.

 

Post # 8
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Please ask your best friends to stand up with you on your wedding day. Do not factor in who can help or benefit you the most – you’ll only be disappointed. 

One of my best friends (we’ve been attached at the hip since 4th grade) flat out told me that she doesn’t get weddings and doesn’t want to be involved. I took her cake tasting because she likes cake, and she even had a “this is pointless” attitude about that. I DON’T CARE – she’s still my best friend and I still want her standing next to me when I say my vows.

Post # 12
Member
5800 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

If I was your best friend and I wasn’t asked to be in your bridal party because I couldn’t help you glue paper together I would be really hurt. Before you ask anyone I think you need to seriously consider that this could permanently alter your relationships with these girls. Also, what if you ask these girls you are less close to and they don’t help as much as you expect them to? There are tons of girls on the bee b*tching about how their bridal party isn’t helping and its not because they live far away. I think it is so sad that you have wanted these ladies to be in your bridal party since middle school and them not being able to help craft is whats going to stop you.

Post # 13
Member
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@LGenz:  <– this.

Besides, who says you can’t have your far away friends AND your nearby friends?  Definitely nail down a date first before asking anyone, as the out of town pals need to make travel arrangements.

Post # 15
Member
7647 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I suggest this post —> http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/should-i-be-mad-5

It’s kind of along the same lines as how you are thinking. Her girl wanted to be Bridesmaid or Best Man but the one is missing the parties and can’t be there. It is a great lesson on choosing your BM’s carefully, but also knowing you can’t expect them to be there for everything.

I think you may need to do less DIY projects if you don’t have the help. Why can’t you have your closest friends as Bridesmaid or Best Man and still ask those others to help you if they live closer?

Also, going it alone isn’t that bad. my Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor has been there for nothing I picked out, my dress, venue, anything. I am not disappointed because we still talk and love each other. Also, if you want them to share the wedding experience, that’s great, but you are going to be very frusterated when people’s schedules don’t meet yours. There are a LOT of brides who get this way because one can’t make it when the others can.

I wouldn’t want anyone by my side than the two girls I picked out a my bridesmaids. I love them. 

 

Post # 16
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Going through it without an entourage actually makes things easier, FWIW. You don’t get all the static from people with different opinions, tastes, etc. from yours. I get that a lot of Bees really enjoy the social aspects of wedding planning, but it can also bring unnecessary headaches and drama (that increase exponentially as more people are involved). If you have just one or two local BMs who can help out with that, you will have a much easier time than if you want all four/five/whatever to be involved. Just my two cents.

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