Post # 1
I’m a frequent poster but just cannot bring myself to write this under my “real” name. I know its long but I really need some insight.
I’ve been keeping a pretty big secret from my FH. Back story: We went through a really rough patch after college. w/o going into all the details, I was basically waiting for over a year for now FH to make a decision on our relationship. As a result of his actions and poor planning I made the decision to move back home and told him if he wanted to be with me than he could come be with me. We got to a point where I told him I no longer wanted to be with a liar and so forth and I wasn’t going to wait for him to grow up and we were done. We still continued to talk and we made plans for him to come visit. (We had made plans about a hundred times and he always backed out at the last minute, he went as far one time to tell me he had a plane ticket and was leaving in the morning, when I called him to ask if he was on his way to the airport, he said he was sorry but that he’d lied…this was a pattern for awhile). So I didn’t have that much hope. I still considered us on a break at the time too. Well the saturday before he was due to come up, me roomate and I started drinking wine, we both were pretty drunk when her boyfriend and his friend came over. Her bf’s friend I’d known for awhile and had my boy not been in the picture I could have totally seen us having a normal relationship and possibly being together. To get to the point of it all, we ended up in my room, made out, fooled around, and ended up having sex, well sort of, as soon as we started I guess I had a moment where I realized what I was doing so I told him to stop and we went to bed. The next morning my boy called me over and over but I didn’t answer because the other guy was still in my roon (and then I began feeling like the worst person ever). After the guy left, I called my boy and told him basically what happened (I left out the sex and fooling around bit, I told him we had made out a lot and that he slept in my bed). He was really upset. Although we weren’t technically in a relationship we were still trying to work things out, but I will admit I was very bitter towards him and kind of glad that I could hurt him the way he hurt me. It sounds very messed up but I think all that happening made him realize he was loosing me, because the next month he found a job in my city and moved here and then a year later we got engaged, and now we’ve been engaged for a couple months. Well that brings me to this. I never told him we had sex and the guilt is eating me alive. I know it still hurts him to think about me kissing another guy, I’m terrified that he will leave me if he knew the truth. So what do I do? Do I tell him and risk loosing him or do I not tell him and then keep this secret/lie from him?
Post # 3
Personally I wouldn’t tell him. I am a very honet person but in this situation I do not think that any good can come out of this. I am so sorry you are going through this situation and feel so much guilt, but since you didn’t cheat (you weren’t together) and you told him vaguely about the situation I think him not only knowing more but bringing up this situation again will just make things worse.
Post # 4
I wouldnt tell him. I think you told him enough, it would be one thing if you were in a serious commited relationship back then but you werent.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t tell him. It might ease your conscience, but that would be an awful burden to put on him. If you KNOW that will never ever happen again, I don’t see that anything constructive could come out of telling him. If you tell him now, he is going to wonder why you weren’t 100% honest at the time and might have a bit less trust in you in the future.
The situation is over and I don’t see anything good coming out of rehashing it now. I understand you don’t want secrets between you, but in this case, I think unburdening yourself could cause more harm than good. Maybe it would help to think of it as the burden of you having to keep this secret is the price you have to pay for your indiscretion; you do not want to tell and shift the burden of knowing to him just to ease your own conscience (hope that made sense!)
Post # 6
Honestly I wouldn’t tell him. It seems horrible to think but keep your past as your past and just move forward. You were in a rough patch and now you guys are going strong so don’t do anything to jeopardise that. Plus you guys weren’t together then and it seems like he made screw ups back then and you’ve gotten over it, so just move forward and don’t worry you tech. have nothing to feel guilty about.
Post # 7
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did absolutely nothing wrong. It’s perfectly fine to sleep with anyone you want to when you are not in a committed relationship. Stop feeling guilty and don’t bring it up.
Post # 8
I wouldn’t say anything. Even relationship experts say that if it was a one-time freak-accident thing… and if NOTHING good will come of you revealing the truth, then just don’t say anything.
Post # 9
I’m with roxy821 – don’t tell him. Nothing good can come out of it. You didn’t cheat on him since you guys were temporarily broken up and he already knows (and is upset by) the generalities of what went down. He doesn’t need to know any more.
Post # 10
I’m going to vouch for not telling him as well. You’d be telling him to make yourself feel better and to relieve you of the guilt (which is totally understandable) but what good could possibly come from it? You’ve told him something happened, you’ve apologized, and together you both have moved on.
You may very well be right – he realized you weren’t just waiting around for him to grow up and decide to be with you, which scared him because he suddenly realized he didn’t have all the time in the world. So can you really 100% regret it? My Fiance & I were dating exclusively but were not “official” for 4 months before I got the courage to tell him I wanted to be his girlfriend and nothing else. We were both upset and miserable for about a week, but he wised up and now, a year later, we’re engaged. Sometimes things like that are what it takes.
*hugs* I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but I really don’t think you should tell him.
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
I agree with all of the PP. Don’t tell him. I’m normally a proponent of 100% honesty and disclosure, but you didn’t cheat on him. To use a very trite expression, you were “on a break” and you did nothing wrong.
You have nothing to feel guilty for and telling him would only upset him.
Post # 13
I don’t think you need to tell him. It’s in the past and it was when you were broken up. The fact that he couldn’t get on a plane to come see you pretty much reflects how he felt at that point. Did he ever tell you what he was doing during all that time?
Post # 14
I had bee in a very simiiar situation. I had ended up fessing up to my ex after a year of telling him the we hd only fooled around and he ended up leawving me. There is no reason to tell him any of this now.
Post # 15
Wow thank you. I was kind of expecting everyone to be like, “YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM NO MATTER WHAT” so I’m glad to hear you guys dont think I need to. That actually helps out A LOT! I have been thinking about it a lot lately because we will be attending an event where that guy will be there. I know he wouldn’t say anything but the thought just makes me uncomfortable.
Post # 16
Agreed, since you weren’t really “together together” it does not need to be shared what you were doing.