I have a terrible habit

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
10431 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

paigelove :  

I salute your self awareness, Bee. You almost lost me when you said ‘bad habit’. Fortunately, you redeemed yourself when you acknowledged that empty threats to end the relationship during arguments is, indeed, emotional abuse.

What have you and your therapist been working on in regards to changing this behavior?

Let’s break this down, Bee.

You’re thinking that saying you’re done is a defense mechanism.  Fair enough.  What is it you’re defending against?  What are you afraid of in that moment?  Are you trying to gain the upper hand—for what reason? What would happen if you let go? 

Are you trying to hurt him before he has the chance to reject you? Or, underneath it all, are you simply feeling unsafe and in need of reassurance?

You say that you love your bf and I believe you, Bee. But, you are knowingly and intentionally hurting him.  That is very unloving. Do you think he feels loved after that?  How long does it take him to get his bearings back?

The advice to take a time out is solid.  Ask your bf to help you with that.

You have to get in front of this, Bee.  Dig deep.  You are doing enormous damage to your relationship, at some point, it becomes irreparable.

Post # 17
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Iʻd take a hard look at what makes me wanna say this. If I feel like Iʻm getting angry over big things in the relationship frequently, Iʻd really reconsider the relationship. If we just bicker all the time and I get angry about the bickering then we need to have a hard talk about how we communicate with each other. I have said a couple things to my SO that I regretted deeply and I honestly have never let it happen again. Granted we donʻt fight much at all, I definitely take time to things through before responding to things I donʻt agree with or may not be favorable to him. If my SO said he was done, Iʻd take him at his word tbh and start separating our lives.

Post # 18
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

Fights will happen in every relationship – it’s inevitable, if you’re together long enough. But you don’t need me to tell you that using every fight as an opportunity to drop in a threat is TERRIBLE for a long-term relationship. I think you’ve gotten some fab advice in this thread, but I also wanted to offer some specific resources you might find helpful:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/conflict-management/

There are rules to fighting fair. Learning to rely on that, and to calm your emotions well before reaching the boiling point of threatening to quit, is going to save your relationship. Personally? I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who threatened to leave whenever there was conflict. It’s too hurtful and counterproductive; either you mean it and you don’t belong together, or you don’t mean it, which means a) you’re lying to make a point and b) you’re intentionally hurting someone to make a point. Not good looks, bee!! So try this stuff instead:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-steps-to-fight-better-if-your-relationship-is-worth-fighting-for/

And see if things get better. Also, be available (and apologetic) in helping your partner talk through how this “habit” of yours has impacted them … hopefully it will give them some security and closure that you’ve been denying them so far.

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