(Closed) I have always wanted kids…and now I'm not so sure

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 61
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Being child free is an awesome and valid choice, as is wanting kids. I think I might be in the camp of “I don’t really care about your kid, but I would think mine is awesome” I know I feel like my nieces are “better” cooler, smarter, kinder and more funny than any other kids I have ever seen. I am sure they are probably pretty regular, but because I care about them more than other random kids I think they are “better.” So I have always wondered if I would feel differently kids them if they were mine. 

Post # 62
868 posts
Busy bee

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ljm308:  There seem to be several good and supportive posts on here – so hopefully you don’t think you’re alone in your feelings. 

Personally I decided against having kids in my early 20s. Then I met DH and my berometer switched from “no” to “maybe” because the thought of having children specifically with him did seem like it would be ok. But that “maybe” has never switched to a resounding yes. So I understand feeling neutral. It’s an odd place to be emotionally. 

On top of my neutrality is the very real financial aspect. We live in a large/expensive city and due to our careers we don’t plan to leave this city. Public schools are a mess. And private school starts at about $10k. One of our friends is spending $18k for his daughter’s bilingual kindergarten. (My college was only about $8k a year!!) My friends who are doctors and lawyers are struggling to afford kids, and we’re still trying to figure out if we can ever afford to buy property. 

I am now in my early 30s. I feel zero pressure in terms of time. So many people love to tell me to have children. I mean total strangers at the bank or the gorcery store tell me I should have kids. What???? I don’t even know these people! 

I am glad that so many people are loving parents and that so many people take parenting so seriously (no one should be flippant about bringing life into the world). So I don’t mind celebrating other people’s babies on FB and such. But the idea that just becuase they are happy means that I should do it too – that’s something that baffles me. 

DH and I frequently talk about having adult children when we are our parents age. And that does seem lovely. We’ve discussed adoption very seriously (there’s no age limit on that so we can do it after 40 – which might help us financially). I am 100% ok with never reproducing. Not every woman feels that way. Some women (and maybe men?) feel very strongly about bringing a child into this world. But I don’t. So I have to follow my gut. We also talked about having just 1 child (again, we might be close to 40, and 1 might be all that we can do biologically). Or, we might have none. And that sounds ok too.

Yes – at 27 you still have lots of time! But even as time passes, if you feel the same, don’t let other people tell you that you are obligated to do something you’re not certain of. 

Post # 63
231 posts
Helper bee

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ljm308:  Thank you for posting this because you literally took a page out of my thought journal. I always wanted kids and had the itch to start having kids at 23/24. BUT, since I’m getting older, 27 as well, and getting married, while our friends are starting to have kids, I have a dwindling desire to anymore and don’t know if I will ever be ready at this point. 


Thank you for being open about it! Makes me feel so much more comfortable with whichever decision we make in the future.

Post # 64
18 posts

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monkeycrawl9:  The new (and not new!) mothers I see look frazzled, exhuasted and 100 years old.. like there is no self care or effort put in, and there’s nothing really beautiful about that to me! Also, society sure as hell doesn’t support a woman that looks like crap! Mother or not. 

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