(Closed) I have an ILLNESS

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

You should probably try another therapist. It sounds like you have a lot of work to do, especially before you get married. I’m a therapist myself so obviously that is the route I recommend, though there are also a lot of self-help books out there that might help you.

Even though a therapist will help, I will note that you will not "get a cure for your problems" from your therapist. He or she will instead help you gain more understanding about why you are this way and will likely teach you skills and strategies for overcoming/managing your codependency. Also, are you sure your therapist quit her job because of your case? I would highly doubt that- it is not easy to become a therapist and there are a lot more difficult clients than codependent ones.. I don’t think you are really the cause for her quitting. If she just referred you to someone else, she probably thought you should see someone with more of a specialty in this area. Or perhaps she relocated, etc. Don’t take responsibility for her leaving and think your problems are THAT huge that your therapist would leave after hearing them.

Do you have any other symptoms of psychopathology? I.e., sounds like you might be having some mood fluctuations. You could also see a psychiatrist (MD, can prescribe drugs) to see if you might benefit from a mood stabalizer or another type of psychotropic drug. 

Post # 4
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

I have led support groups for codependency for women. two books that helped were "Love is a Choice" and "Codependent no more". Perhaps you can check those out.

Post # 6
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hey. If you cant afford another therapist you should try talking to a pastor.  Now I want to stress that I AM NOT RELIGIOUS! I have not not been to church besides required by family holidays since 2004, but its an idea.  Pastors are there to talk to people and most have training in counseling.  Also if you are still in college you can go to the campus therapist for free, it is inculuded in tuition.

 

Good Luck. I hope it all works out for you.

Post # 7
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

You also may want to check with your medical insurer.  Many of them provide coverage for a certain number of counseling visits per year. 

Post # 8
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

You have gotten some great advice and by people qualified for giving such advice. 

I’d second, third, forth or eigth the therapy option.

However, I know from experience about this co-dependency, though I am not sure my therapist called it this, as I just had a bad boyfriend that I had reason to believe he was cheating. He was a cheater, he’s always been a cheater, and to this day he continues to be one. However, I am not in the relationship, but I still suffer from insecurities I gained in that relationship.

 

But here I am about to get married to a wonderful, trustworthy and spiritual man. I am not saying you need to get religious, but faith has helped me. My FH was in the seminary and we talk about the insecurity. If you aren’t to a place in your relationship where you can voice your concern then best that you get outside help. If you are at a place where you can voice your concern, be warned that he might think you are accusing him of something. This should not be the case. stay away from "you" statements, these emotions belong to you, therefore they must be "I" statements. 

I am not saying you are a cheater, but in my experience (past boyfriend) was all freaked out about my every whereabouts, and it turns out that those that cheat are more likely to suspect others of cheating. I don’t mean for it to seem as bad as that might have just sounded.

There is a reason you fear someone cheating. Maybe one of your parents did, or a friends parents, or you perhaps in a pervious relationship, or you know that in a  previous relationship your partner did.

But I caution you, don’t go playing private investigator. It will ruin the relationship and waste endless hours or days of your time.

Try to relax. When those thoughts come to your mind, push them out, change what you are doing. Try and think about something wonderful he did for you, he is after all dating YOU. And that is a choice. He clearly finds you good enough to have around his friends or family or to be seen with you in public. Enjoy the time you have with him. When he’s not around occupy yourself with something you really love, and if there isn’t anything, find something. Or else you will drive yourself nuts.

 

Post # 9
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I survived a divorce to a man who cheated.  I lived…moved on and got over it.  Yes, it hurt, but there was nothing I could have done..I was a great wife and friend and lover..it was HIS FAULT. He also has continued mercilessly to cheat on his next wife, who was his mistress…People who cheat have a "chip" or something missing imho.  You can’t prevent it, but you sure can MAKE somebody want to get as far away from you as possible by controlling, obsessive behaviors.  You can make them want to not be close or remain close to you.

Please find another counselor or psychiatrist that can get you through this..you can do it. 

And if somebody in your past hurt you which led you to feel this way, let this friend here tell you to let it go..release it..give it up to your Higher Power..what happened yesterday will not always happen tomorrow.  I once thought I’d never love again..but in time came healing and forgiveness and hope.  Once I gave up all that negativity and hurt, my heart opened up and in time I found a love more amazing than I ever thought..except for that of being a mom.  Both are so wonderful.  But don’t miss out on the best  parts of life worrying about WHAT MIGHT OR COULD BE and IGNORING THE BLESSINGS YOU HAVE NOW.

It’s great and so wonderful you acknowledge this issue, have the courage and will power to continue getting help for it..just don’t give up. 

Once you let go of that awful feeling, the world will open up to you.  Trust is a beautiful thing and when you learn to let go of insecurities and instead open your heart and soul to trust, everything is great..friendships, family relations, and of course, your relationship with your fiance.

Best wishes. 

Post # 10
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

I won’t repeat the therapy advice, but I will hone in on something in your post that might be a little painful or difficult for you to consider — call me a troll if you want, but think about it, okay? 🙂

"Ive been through so much in my life that no body can understand."

I don’t know what you’ve been through. I don’t pretend to know. And no, no one can completely see it through your eyes or know exactly what you’re feeling. But, please hear me on this — as long as you tell yourself that no one can understand, IT WILL BE TRUE.

Let yourself believe that you CAN communicate how you feel with a counselor, with a pastor, with your fiancee, with a friend, and that there is someone out there who will care enough about you (either for professional or personal reasons) that they will make every effort to understand whatever they can about what you’ve been through. Otherwise you’re just inflicting isolation on yourself, and you’ll feel alone because you make yourself alone.

Also, consider counting your blessings. Trite, I know, but while you do need to work through tough things, letting them crush you with all their awfulness is not how you get out from under them. When you can’t deal anymore, take a break and say to yourself, "Well, I am still alive today." "Well, I am not blind/have a terminal illness/living in slavery/starving to death." I am not trying to guilt you, because I know that there are times where you really just feel like you can’t go on, that your life is impossible. I have been there. But you can either give up (and really, don’t give up… almost nothing’s worth it) or you can take a deep breath, be grateful for what you do have, and take from that the strength to battle the crap.

Best wishes!

Post # 11
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Continue getting help.  You know what it is, you know you don’t want it to rule your life – those are MAJOR points. Loosing the money absolutely bites and there is no sweet way around that. But at least that therapist got it to a name.  You can go to someone else with that and continue growing. My Mother-In-Law was in a similar situation and I have to say that she stopped going to her therapist and everyone who knows her regrets that. She continues to downfall AND develop new issues (most recently rapid onset clostrophobia).  We all wish she had stayed in therapy for her, and for us.

Post # 12
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

December is spot-on.

You need to find another therapist. Good therapist-client fit is very important and it’s clear you didn’t have that with the first one you visited, so that is really a blessing for you because it will allow you to see someone who will be a better fit for you now. It is a very, very common phenomenon. This is a long road you’re on. Keep up the good work.

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