Post # 1
Dear bees , I need serious help I have been married for 2 years now and me and Darling Husband will go weeks without having sex. I am frustrated hurt and confused because this has been going on prior to the wedding I thought maybe ok this is temporary were both stressed out from the wedding but nope. I’m starting to lose hope in our relationship my husband tells me he is tired from working so much and yes he does work 55-60 hours a week with overtime. The thing that upsets me is that he is has energy to do everything else besides have a sex life with me! he is in a cover band and sometimes they practice 2x a week for 3-4 hours each time and play shows 2-3 times a month which is fine but it bothers me that he has energy to invest in his music but not with me. The last few times i have initiated sex he has turned me down , I cant understand why I have great hygiene I am in my late 20’s he is in his early 30’s were in our prime right? we do not have kids , we own a home , we both work full time. I have talked to him about this and he told me in his previous relationships sex wasn’t an extreme priority and his ex’s wouldn’t make a fuss if its been a few weeks. I am getting tired of this lifestyle and feel unloved and I feel like I am his room mate. Bees I am not saying i expect it everyday but even 2-3 times a week would be amazing for me. We got into a bad fight and he told me that I am hard to please and that it intimidates him and that I drain him in bed. That he is always too tired to fulfill my needs and If for some reason we would split up he doubts I would find somone to keep up with me in bed… Like who says that ??? I felt really bad when he said that and made me feel like im the problem. Bees what the heck should I do ? It was hard for me to write this so please be kind , I am almost in tears writing this because i am so hurt and i love my husband and just want to spend the rest of my life happy with him but i am not happy because this has been an issue for over 2 years..
Post # 2
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
nycbee523 : I’m so sorry Bee. Someone else recently posted something just like this. I think this is more common than you’d think.
My husband works a LOT. I mean like 70-80 hours a week. So I know what it feels like to have a husband that’s always tired. I’ll echo what I said in that other post. Sometimes I think it’s best to decide earlier on in the day when you should sleep together.
If you decide earlier on in the day, it will most likely happen. You give yourself time to warm up to the idea and make time. Instead of getting in bed and instantly falling asleep.
I also think bc your husband’s sex drive is so low he might have some problems physically. It sounds like his libido is almost non existent. I would urge him to go to a specialist or a counselor or both. You aren’t asking him for too much.
Post # 3
nycbee523 : I have some friends with this issue too. I think it’s more common than most people think. Having a low libido sucks and I would approach this very delicately. Think of how you would like your husband to bring up this topic if your roles were reversed. Be gentle. Ask how you can help get him in the mood. Maybe a back massage or flirty texts during the day could help get him in the mood. Sadly, you may never get the frequency you’re looking for. It sounds like that’s always been an issue in your relationship. You may have to compromise.
Post # 4
nycbee523 : I was in a very similar position in my first marriage, so I really feel for you. There are some red flags in your posts, besides the main issue of no sex – he compares you to his ex, he tries to turn it around on you and say that you’re too hard to please etc. Definitely read “The Sex Starved Wife.” Yes, there may need to be a compromise between your sex drive and his, but right now it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to compromise and that’s a problem. He needs to understand how much this is hurting you, and he should want to come to a compromise that works for both of you. I read somewhere that when the sex is good in a relationship, it occupies about 10% of your mental energy around the relationship. But when sex is a problem, it occupies about 90% and can be all consuming.
Post # 5
It sounds like your husband finds you intimidating, but that doesn’t justify him table turning and trying to make YOU out to be the problem.
My own husband would be able to “keep up with you” just fine, as we happily have sex 2-4 times a week. I’m sure MOST men would be able to keep up with you just fine. So he’s talking out of his ass in an attempt to make you out to be abnormal or the bad guy.
The next time you discuss this, it’s important to call him out when he tries to blame or assign a “bad guy.” In MOST situations, blaming is uncalled for, and there’s no need for a “bad guy.” You’re just incompatible in this area. No one’s “wrong.”
In your shoes, I would explore couple’s therapy or sex therapy. If he has time to be in a band, he has time to have sex more often. The fact that he’s CHOOSING other things over you is a sign that there are issues in your relationship.
Post # 6
There are a few problems here, the first being that he showed you who he was prior to marriage and you married him expecting him to change. That rarely goes well. But even if he won’t admit it, many men with low libido know on some level that they are different from the stereotype, and it can lead to insecurities. He may think it’s just the way he is and that he cannot do anything about it, and he might be embarrassed to see a doctor. But that’s exactly what he should do – see a doctor. Maybe he does simply have a low sex drive, but maybe there’s something he could do about it. Unfortunately, I’m not sure of the best way to address that with him without making him feel even more insecure, which could lead to him being more resistant to getting help.
Either way, do not let him turn this around on you. It isn’t your fault that he has a low sex drive, and it does not make you in any way intimidating (because you desire your Dh?) or abnormal. Last, if you intend to have children, resolve this BEFORE starting a family. Sex rarely increases after a couple has children, and if things don’t change it is likely you will be frustrated and want to leave him in the future. It is better all around if there aren’t children involved.
Post # 7
My husband and I have had this problem our entire relationship. He has a low sex drive, I have a high sex drive. We’ve been in counseling on and off for 5 years and it’s gotten a lot better. He’s also finally being treated for low testosterone (he put it off because we wanted a child and it can cause infertility).
I highly suggest a therapist who specializes in sex therapy.
Post # 8
I am sure this suggestion may not go over well but have you considered opening up your relationship?
Before me, my Fiance he had a few married women he saw on a regular basis who had similar problems and it helped their relationships a lot, took the pressure of the men. Of course the husbands in these situations where cool with it, in fact, he actually was a surrogate for a few people.
My point is if you love someone and lack sexual capability, the way I see it is you have two choices, seeing a sex therapist with the slim hope his drive will change or open your marriage and get someone else to take care of that for you. I mean you can also end it but that doesn’t sound like you want to.
He blatantly said that he doesn’t think anyone could fulfill your needs and it sounds like he views sex as a burden, so call, him on it, tell him you love him and want a life with him but need to be fulfilled in that way which is a great segway into either bring up having an open relationship or going to counseling for his lack of drive.
Post # 9
Others have already mentioned explanations like low libido or low testosterone. You say he has the energy for hobbies and other things, so I have to ask, does he have the energy to masturbate?
And yes, I know the common response is that sex and masturbation aren’t the same thing, that masturbation is healthy in a relationship, etc. And I would agree, except in cases when someone is regularly turning down sex and framing it as their partner’s problem. Whether it’s a reliance on or preference for porn or fantasies, laziness in terms of seeking gratification without having to contribute to a partner’s pleasure, inability to perform or climax during intercourse due to desensitivity from masturbation habits; these are all issues that someone should be willing to address if they care about their partner’s needs.
But whatever is going on with him, it is going to be hard to get him to talk about it or consider counselling if he really considers it your problem and not something he needs to compromise or work on. My only advice would be to try to talk to him when you aren’t feeling upset or frustrated and see if you can gauge his willingness to try to work on this with you. If he just expects you to deal with it, well, that’s not a great sign, and not just due to the lack of sex.
Post # 10
girlfriendphd : hey bee , Yes he does masturbate , I called him out on that and told him he should stop so he can see how fustrating it is for me to go without sex for weeks on end. He refuses to go to a doctor to check out what the issue could be and told me to take it or leave it that he will not go to a doctor to see whats going on. He said that I’m too hard to please and he just doesn’t have the energy for me most of the time and the sad thing is when we are intimate he is incredible! the few times we have sex are beyond amazing , I am just not content doing it once a week or twice a week. Most of the time we just skip sex for a week or two and its just fustrating he refuses to do anything that has to do with medical testing.. 🙁
Post # 11
I think if this was flipped around and it was the man pressuring his wife to have sex at least 2-3+ times a week, people would have very different answers.
Men can have lower libidos too. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them. Once a week sex, or skipping a week here and there is not out of the realm of normal.
It’s up to you if that’s not enough for your own marriage though. It doesn’t sound like this is new behavior for him so I don’t see it changing.
Post # 12
nycbee523 : I’m sorry bee; it’s a tough spot to be in.
I’ve been having a similar issue with my SO for the past year, though to a lesser degree for the past 9 months. He only wants sex on the weekends, so that comes out to two times per week at most if we aren’t busy or something else interferes. During the week he prefers to masturbate. I have told him several times that I wish he had time for me during the week. I have never told him not to masturbate, because I know that doesn’t mean he’ll suddenly want to have sex instead. He’s never outright told me that he isn’t going to do anything about it, but his actions have said it, because he hasn’t done anything about it in the past year besides making it less obvious when he masturbates.
Honestly, if he just had no drive at all during the week, then I would have been ok with taking care of myself physically. It only started bothering me because it made me feel less desirable whenever he chose masturbation over sex. It sounds like that is part of the issue for you too.
I’ve been in therapy for a few months now because I’ve had anxiety about this among other things. It has helped and I have been doing better with my self confidence in general. My SO is also open to attending couples counselling with me, so that does give me some reassurance that we can work on this if I anticipate it to be a long term issue, and that he might be receptive to suggestions.
You say your husband won’t go to a doctor, so does that include counselling? It’s discouraging that he seems to be suggesting that you are hypersexual and therefore in the wrong, so he shouldn’t have to compromise or consider your position at all. Will he not consider any compromise at all, e.g. having more frequent but more relaxed/low energy sex? Easier positions or less movement for him?
Honestly though, he’s wrong if he thinks you couldn’t find someone who would want to have energetic sex 3x per week (or more).
Post # 13
Dear Bee, sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. I think the answers you’re searching for you won’t find here. Yes- we can give you very generic recommendations (e.g., go see a therapist, a doctor, try to plan for it, and etc.). The truth is, only your husband knows what’s really going on (if there’s anything going on) and while I encourage you to try to continue to figure this out with your husband, at some point you will have to accept that you may simply never find out. Ask yourself: is sex really that necessary in my love life? Can’t I give up a sex life for the love of my husband? If you can’t, then it may be time to consider the future of your marriage because you will not be happy if you’re on a different page than your husband.
A quick note: a college teacher of mine once told us during class that a lot men (after a certain age) start seeing sex as a chore. So may be your husband is simply too lazy for sex but not for other things he enjoys (like music). Not everyone “craves” sex the same way because not everyone finds it as fulfilling (compared to other things). If you think about it, sex is a physical act with the purpose of pleasure and/or reproduction. Sex can happen without love, but love can also happen without sex because love is about finding a connection with someone else’s soul/heart, bot physically. Maybe you’re just putting way too much emphasis on the meaning of sex. Best of luck, Bee!
Post # 14
nycbee523 : It sounds to me like you guys just have different libidos. You want to have sex a few times a week, he is comfortable with 1-2 times a month. Neither of you is in the wrong, and I would not assume that there is anything ‘wrong’ with him. You just have different sex drives.
This doesn’t help you now, but I’m not sure why you expected your sex life to change after marriage. It sounds like things have been this way for a while now.
In my opinion, you need to come up with a compromise. Agreeing to have sex every other week seems like a good middle ground from where you are now. As another bee suggested, I would schedule this so you both know when and what to expect.
Can you live with that the rest of your life? That’s a question only you can answer. However, I don’t think there is a solution where you will go from once a month to a few times a week. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, it’s time to move on.
Post # 15
nycbee523 : I am going through the same thing….been married for a year. I am so sorry bee.