I have been married for 2 years and we have no intimacy.

posted 2 months ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
2472 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry bee, that’s tough. Your husband is wrong that no man would be able to keep up with you, but it does sound like you both have naturally different sex drives. There are a few things you can do.. 

1) Open up the relationship. This one can definitely be tricky, but more couples do it than you’d think. Try listening to the Savage Lovecast (Dan Savage) it’s a topic that comes a lot on it. It’s sometimes easier later on in the relationship. 

2) He could try seeing a doctor and getting his testosterone levels checked. 

3) Experiment and compromise. Is it possible that you need different things from sex and he’s just not comfortable telling you? Maybe he has a kink you’re not aware of, or maybe he can’t go as long as you need and it would be easier if you ‘got started’ ahead of initiating sex. Or maybe he needs something specific to get him going – a massage, a bit of weed, a little seduction etc. (you could also try a sex therapist for this). Some people give up on sex because they’re not getting what they want and maybe even don’t KNOW what they want. 

 

I’d try to talk about it more and see where you can compromise. Having a glaring incompatibility isn’t just going to go away because he wants it to. You may be able to suck it up for a while, but eventually the sexual frustration is likely to lead to resentment at best, and the end of your relationship at worst. 

Post # 17
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2016

The hubs and I are usually exhausted also, we are in love with each other but sometimes life is just draining and it can become a habit. Sounds like he may have a couple of fear related issues (maybe from past experiences with others or his own self generated doubt) in the bedroom so its easier to avoid then confront them and be vulnerable. I wouldn’t come down hard on your hubby bee, try to work through this with understanding and patience and sit and be vulnerable together about his worries/fears in the bedroom. If hes emotionally feeling better/more confident it makes him a better partner overall. This may take time to overcome.

Sidebar this sounds really crazy but we switched to a more organic plant based diet and let me tell you. We have so much energy that lasts throughout the day at work (no more yawning around 3PM). A couple of unexpected benefits? It’s helped our libido and made us both less cranky/moody in general

Post # 18
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

nycbee523 :  I am sorry, but you lost me at “He finds me too demanding”, but I nearly lost it at “yes he masturbates”

I am so angry for you right now.

PP have said everything already about unbalanced sex drives and needs, but when your partner masturbates when you are sexually unsatisfied it’s time to call in the big guns. That is some serious selfish sh** right there. This isn’t about libido at this point (maybe it is part of an underlying issue and insecurities) This is now about respect of your partner’s needs and not putting yourself first because it’s easier than “dealing” with your own issues and the sexual issues in a relationship.

It is time for counseling + a Dr visit or it is time to go. I am sorry to be so harsh, but he obvisously is not taking you seriously.  

 

(btw I am not saying OP’s husband has to sleep with her as much as she wants. I also I have no problem with masturbation in a relationship, but not when one partner is not being taken care of. And I very much take offense at his apparent attitude and disrespect towards her and his lack of a healthy approach to solving this issue through blaming her)

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