(Closed) I have cold feet, is it jsut me?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@mwitter80: Maybe you should address the trust issue that your FH has broken. That may help you not have cold feet.

Recently I have gotten into a disagreement with Future Father-In-Law. Future Mother-In-Law and FH’s siblings all think that he is in the wrong. It has blown out of porportion and he is even suggesting that FH should be verbally abusive to me. FH is pissed! I don’t have cold feet because FH is not like his father in that since (I pray that he never will be), but I am stressing about the wedding.

Post # 4
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

you need to address the trust issues now. i think it’s normal to be getting nervous or anxious a month before your wedding – there’s a lot of stress and pressure to have a perfect day. if you’re really worried, get counseling NOW.

Post # 5
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I went through the same exact thing.  Hubby and I have been together for almost 4 years now.  Last summer he broke my trust in a HUGE way.  I am still working my way through it.  However, I made the decision that what he did was not going to keep us from getting married.  We had a wonderful wedding on 10/10/10! =)

I also had cold feet because I am determined not to turn out like a lot of people I know and get divorced.  So I wondered, should we really get married?  We live together (with his son which is another issue we have) and love each other, is that enough?  Well for me I knew it wasn’t. 

Even with all of the ups and downs, I know I made the right decision and I LOVE my hubby!  Do what your heart tells you to do.  Only you can decide if getting married is the right way to go. Lots of luck and hugs!

Post # 7
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mwitter80:  This is nothing to be ashamed about.  Yes we are very similiar it seems.  Wish I had met you when I was panicking!  =)  What I came to realize is that I can’t plan for everything in life.  I can’t see 10 years into the future to see if we are still together.  I can’t see all the obstacles that will be in our way nor can I find ways to fix them before they happen.  I realized that I loved my man and that he is making me happy now and I foresee him making me happy forever! 

My sister got divorced and never thought that she would.  My Aunt married a man that is a jerk and doesn’t treat her right.  I have friends and family members that have been through pretty much everything.  BUT I am not them.  I need to make my own mistakes and live my own life.

Do you love your fiance’?  Does he make you happy?  Is there no abuse of any kind (verbal, emotional, etc)?  Those are the questions you need to ask yourself.  If you answer yes to the first two and there is no abuse or any serious issues, then what have you got to lose?

Other side to the story…hubby and I got a prenup.  I hated the thought because I thought we were planning on it not working out.  However that is not how it is.  It is protection for both of us.

Worse case scenario…we get divorced (praying we don’t).  Life will not end and we will again find happiness.

Post # 8
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like making it work and making your future marriage work are important to you. It also sounds like there’s a trust issue that needs to be fixed in order for this to happen. I’d encourage you to have open communication with your Fiance about this trust issue. Better to fix it now before the wedding, then continue to let it fester until it becomes a much bigger issue after you’re already married.

Post # 9
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

I think it’s very normal these to have that thought of the BIG D. I have friends that are already D and of course when I got engaged it was the OMG don’t do it. I didn’t have cold feet before and didn’t let the D word get to me, but this is going to sound silly. But we just switched to Fios and we get this channel called ID Investigate, I love everything to do with CSI stuff, but the majority of the shows are spouses that kill each other. The first week I was watching I didn’t think much of it, until the second week, I started to get really freaked out like, HOLY COW, what is wrong with our world and OMG how can people get to that point, so I was all freaked out that in 10 years I would hate my Hubby, so to that point, I think these fears we have are pretty much irrational and pretty normal to have.

I do think that a trust issue should get resolved before and I’m sure that is probably a big reason why you feel a little scared. Trust is a very hard thing to overcome, it can be overcome though if you work hard it at together.

Post # 10
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mwitter80:I’m so sorry that you are going through this 25 days out but let me tell you that I had something present itself about 8 weeks before my wedding and it was devastating for us…(you can message me privately if you want to know more and if you want to share your story as well….oh, and i blogged about mine and got such support and love from the bees…it helps to reach out!).

I didn’t lose trust in my then Fiance, but it rocked us, and rocked me to my core.  I couldn’t believe that this was presenting itself during my journey to the alter, my first journey to the alter at 47 years old and someone was fucking up my happy! 

We had to do a lot of work from that point to find our happy place and what we did was put it down and let nothing come between us so that we could live the rest of the planning stage in total bliss. 

Guess what?  We actually did it!  We put it down and rarely, if ever, picked it up until well after the honeymoon (a month ago!). Our wedding day was the happiest day of both our lives and knowing that we were a true team made the day even better.

Now,  he didn’t do anything to break my trust so I know that our stories are different in that way.  So, if you really trust him and know that, put it down and enjoy the next 25 days, your wedding day and your honeymoon.  You owe that to yourselves!  If you know this man is your soulmate, your partner in crime, your heart….then allow yourself to work through the issues and don’t let it fuck up YOUR happy!

xoxo

someone who’s been there!

Post # 11
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@somerset14:Oh, and the “D” subject…my advice to you is to take that option off the table, particularly as you approach your wedding.  My husband and I talked openly about why people choose to get married in a world where D seems to be the road so many take and I’m sure they were in love on their wedding day too.  We thought that maybe we’d just live together forever and not do the whole marriage thing, but at the end of the day, we really wanted to get married to each other, to make it legal (though I really have no idea what the law has to do with love, but that’s just me), and have that day to share with our loved ones.  It was a choice.  It’s not going to be a choice to divorce unless some horrific thing comes and blows the roof off of us.  Live for today.  Love for today.  Be healthy and be present.  BE IN LOVE.

IT REALLY WORKED FOR US!

Post # 13
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

i got cold feet after we got engaged. teh commitment issue snuck up on me. i worked through it and am loving planning the wedding now- but im just an anxiety-stricken person, so im bracing myself for cold feet again before the wedding haha

Post # 14
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I had major cold feet before the wedding. 

It’s a big step!!  

But, at the end of it all –  it’s not about how your relationship is perceived by others, it’s about you and if you are willing to take the good and bad and make it work.  

I will say that post-wedding, my cold feet were similar to my pre-engaged anxiety – I wonder what all that worrying was about!

What helped me through the worst of the cold feet was to think about why I was getting married, why I picked Fiance and what he brought to my life.  It helped me realize the wonderful blessing he was vs. my fears about x, y, and z happening.  It also helped me see how unfounded my fears were (by verbalizing them).

 

Post # 15
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

First, you are NOT alone. These are the things people don’t talk about, but it is true that couples have issues before, during, and after they say their vows. Marriage is a big decision and honestly, if someone goes into it without a care in the world I would wonder if they were taking it seriously. Accept that the perfect romance doesn’t exist. What you think is going on with “happy” couples is probably skewed so try not to compare yourself to them. I am not saying that happy couples don’t exist, but I am saying that EVERYONE has issues, both big and small, and what really counts is how you handle them.  Unless your fiance has done something worth ending your relationship, my advice, DO NOT talk to him about your cold feet. The most important lesson I learned from my mom, was that sometimes it’s best to keep your mouth shut. She has been happily married to my dad for 29 years! Believe me, he has his own cold feet going on and you could create a snowball effect that you will later regret. I do suggest getting premarital counseling if you haven’t already. The conversations that you have in counseling will bring out some of those issues, but in an objective and nondefensive way, making it much easier on the both of you.

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