(Closed) I have cold feet

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Cold feet can be totally normal.  I got them about 4 months out from the wedding.  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, much less marry him! I realized soon thereafter that there were a lot of changes going on in my life at the time, so I felt like everything was in upheaval. 

Personally, I’d say start by getting away from the ex!  If you do decide to stay with your Fiance, that could cause you some MASSIVE issues.  Then, take a few days for you.  For me, just spending some time apart from him helped me sort through my issues, and I was back to normal in a few days.  If you end up deciding it’s not going to happen, be honest with him, and quickly.  Good luck!

Post # 4
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Yes, no more hanging with the ex while you figure this out!

If it has been going on for more than a few days, you should really grab a very trusted friend or family member to talk it out.  I would be seriously concerned about the way you are feeling if it is persisting.  Better to figure it out now and either get out before you are married or realize how much you do love and like your Fiance and get married feeling confident!!

Post # 5
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with them, don’t see your ex again before the wedding.  Also, sometimes I get random feelings like that, but when I am away from my man for a few days, or when something happens and I want to see him or talk to him, I realize how much I love him, appreciate him, and want to be with him. Maybe you can get away somehow, and it will help you sort through some feelings.  Maybe it will allow you to realize if you really do still love him, or if you don’t. Good luck. I understand the pain in your heart right now. It’s incredible how something like this can tear you up so much. So I hope you get it figured out.

Post # 6
2641 posts
Sugar bee

If having issues with committing is an ongoing problem for you, I would consider talking to a therapist.  You must be nervous wondering if this is your intuition really telling you to call it off, or if you’re just doing your same old  can’t commit dance. 

Good luck.  sorting it out.

Post # 7
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

If your saying all that about your fiance now, maybe you should rethink the situation.  Sometimes things don’t change just because you got married.  EXAMPLE:  My cousin got married 1 1/2 yrs ago to your Boyfriend or Best Friend of 9 yrs, she thought things would be different (her feelings similiar to yours) after marriage and now their filing for divorce!  I don’t mean to mention this but its life, don’t do somthing just because thats what people expect, go with YOUR GUT FEELING!!  ONLY YOU KNOW YOU!! 

Post # 8
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Concentrate on the little things that made you attracted to him in the first place. My Fiance was starting to irritate me, but once I convinced myself again why I was marrying him, it helped a lot.

Also go spend non wedding related time together. Tell him you want to reconnect and plan a romantic night with nothing weddingy

Post # 9
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

This doesn’t seem like a good sign. Sorry to be so blunt. My fiance and I don’t always get along (we’re at the 2.5 til wedding mark!) but at the end of the day I can’t imagine being with anyone else.
Cold feet are totally natural. I’ve had my lil freak outs from time to time but I think that if you don’t even like him anymore, and it’s persisting, something is very wrong.
Okay, so a boyfriend of mine from a looooong time ago was the person I thought that I wanted to spend my eternity with. I adored him for years and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, Then, one day, things just started changing. I realized that I loved the idea of loving him but wasn’t actually all that into him as a person.
THEN it got worse and worse until it got to this terrible point when I’d watch him eat it made me want to vomit. I despised him so much. I guess it had gotten to this point where we were too comfortable with each other. He was no longer trying to impress me and I stopped caring if he was even there anymore.
Sometimes it’s more comfortable to stay in a situation even if it isn’t a happy one. Consistency is a lot less scary than the unknown.
I’m not saying jump ship…I’m saying tread carefully. Take some time. Get him and your ex out of your head for a minute and make a decision for you -based on your thoughts and what you want for your own life.

Post # 10
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree with Tanya wholeheartedly.  You need to talk to an objective party who can help you sort through how much of this is cold feet and your own personal problems with commitment, and how much of this is just a match that does not work for you.

I am a commitment-a-phobic person in general, but I always knew my commitment issues were completely seperate from what I felt for my Fiance.  My feelings for him never wavered, even when I was hesitant about forever!

Post # 11
599 posts
Busy bee

Cold feet is normal. But hanging out with your ex does not help things. Do like they tell kids about drugs and just say no. You need to figure this out on your own. And getting your ex involved is asking for trouble.

Post # 12
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Read <span style=”text-decoration: underline;”>Love the One You’re With by Emily Giffin.  It’s a fiction novel about a woman struggling with the same dilemma.  It gives good insight to the whole “feelings for the ex” situation without being a self-help book.  You might like the perspective of another woman. 

Post # 13
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Honestly, I felt this way when we first got engaged. I convinced myself we had drifted apart… I also called my ex (after 4 years of not speaking with him, we didn’t meet up though).

The best thing I did was actually talk to my Fiance about it, he was hurt at first but he assured me that we’d be okay. We’re in it together. We also realized that the issue was not that we’d drifted apart, but that I was scared. Scared of the immigration process, scared of getting divorced, scared of moving away from my life here. When he didn’t flip out & actually understood and talked to me about it, I was like,  “ohhh that’s exactly it! What the hell was I thinking?” Looking back, I almost threw away something WONDERFUL because of my stupid fears.

It’s important to talk to your Fiance. At some point you wanted to spend your life with him & if you do choose to continue with the marriage- you’ll have to depend on him & confide in him in the future. A marriage takes 2 people to make it work, so give him a shot to make this work! Just tell him what you told us. Also please drop all communication with your ex– no good will come from that!

I hope this helps a little…. ((hugs))

Post # 15
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I’d recommend the book The Conscious Bride (there is also a website, http://www.consciousweddings.com I think it is). You might not like all of it, but it’s very good at attempting to explain why we have some of the feelings we do. Good luck 🙂

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