(Closed) I have kindda of a problem…. help? (long sorry)

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’d talk to him sooner rather than later. this is a BIG problem. You two had an agreement and he changed the deal. Maybe he doesn’t really feel that way and he just was having a bad day?

Post # 5
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree that you need to talk to him about it SOON.  You need to come to an agreement before you get married.  Having or not having kids is a big difference in goals and could really negatively affect your relationship down the road if he becomes adament that he doesn’t want children and you become adament that you do.  Talk to him about how this is a decision you thought you had already agreed on. Explain to him about how much this means to you to have children in the future, explain what you saw on the train.

Post # 6
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I know that you said that you don’t want to leave him over this issue, but it sounds like this might be something you really want in life.  I would really try to talk to him about it again and again until you’re able to either come to an agreement, or until you have to decide whether you want to be with someone who doesn’t want the same things as you.

I would HATE to see you compromise your needs/wants, and later have resentment build up because you wanted a child but your partner didn’t. 

Good luck!!

Post # 7
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I lived with a divorced man with two wonderful daughters, who I loved very much.  He wanted to have a son and felt we should stop at one child if it was a boy.  I left him after he admitted he just wasn’t excited about having more children since he already had two.  

Being a mother was always more important to me than being a wife, so that was the right decision for me.  Even if I hadn’t met my husband (who is wonderful and my soulmate) I would never have regretted leaving my ex. This may not be the right decision for you, and only you can determine that.  

But I would caution you to give this issue a lot of consideration before you get married, since the resentment people feel over giving up their dreams for a spouse can sometimes grow over time until it destroys the fabric of a marriage.  (Think of the scene in Sex and the City where Harry breaks up with Charlotte, saying that this would it be a terrible marriage to keep hearing, “I gave up Christ for you, the least you could do is take out the trash.”)

Post # 10
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think professorbee sums it up wonderfully.

<p style=”padding-left: 30px;”>”Being a mother was always more important to me than being a wife, so that was the right decision for me.”

If indeed you can’t come to an agreement, you should reevaluate what is more important to you in the long run.  Being with this man, or having children.

Good luck!  I hope you both get what you want, whatever that might mean. 

Post # 11
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I say talk to him… My dad was seriously dating someone (younger 27) who wanted kids and he already having two grown kid (20, and 17) did not want anymore. They split for a little while, she moved into her own apartment. He realized the he loved her and her happiness was much more important to him then just not wanting to go through the stress of kids again. Fast fwd: I have an adorable 2 yr old sister and they both could not be happier…..

 

Talk to him about what specifically he is worried about that makes hi not want to have more: money, midnight changes, etc… Ease his fears… You deserve your happiness too and if he truly loves you he will realize how important it is to you

Post # 13
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Also, it sounds like he thinks that you are being flaky (always changing your mind), Maybe he doesn’t realize how important it is to you. I would explain why it is important to you and why you dont want to miss out on it. Explain this is truly how you feel and not just a whim that you are having at the moment… By bet is he doesn’t realize how serious this is to you and that you would even consider leaving bc of it.

Post # 15
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with everyone above, this is important to you & it’s too big of a factor in life to leave as it is.

I just wanted to share with you that you’re not alone…close friends of ours, who loved each other VERY much, ended their relationship over the issue of kids.  She didn’t want any &, at first, because he loved her, because he thought she might change her mind, and because (like you) he couldn’t see leaving the love of his life over this, he agreed not to have kids.  Then, his brother got married (both also good friends of ours – same group) & they got pregnant.  While “expecting” his niece, he spoke with his girlfriend – she stood firm “no kids” & they talked about it for MONTHS.  In the end, they had to break up because every person has to decide whether one’s dreams are more dear, more necessary to one’s life than the person one loves.  At present, she is in a happy relationship with another man, & he is actively single, happily on the search for a woman who wants to share all his dreams. 

I hope things work out for you – hopefully WITH the love of your life.

The topic ‘I have kindda of a problem…. help? (long sorry)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors