- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
This is my first post here. I was reading some of the emotional posts hoping that someone is having the same feelings as me. No one has these problems and I felt compelled to write because of the supportiveness and comradery I’ve witnessed on this site.
I am been engaged since last Summer to a wonderful guy. Him and I have been together since my freshman yr of college, we are eachothers only serious relationships. Words can’t describe how great he is to me. He takes care of me and we will have a wonderful life together. We have never had any serious relationship problems. I am truly blessed. We are getting married this summer.
Our wedding planning has been super difficult as we have to provide all the peices for the wedding (food, tables, chairs, etc). Its not a wedding factory wedding, but it is the wedding of my dreams. We are on a budget but I am very fortuante and its not so bad.
I can’t enjoy any of this though because I have almost no friends. I’m 25 years old and in the last four or five years I’ve lost most of my friends. I developed an anxiety disorder (unoffically diognosed) during my jr year of college and by the end of my senior year had lost most of my college friends due to erratic behavior and a lack of self awareness and a big mouth. I recognized that this was my fault but also that these people were not the kind of people I wanted to be friends with and I volentaraly left the friendships because I knew I was being treated unfairly, even though I behvaied badly as well. After graduation I returned home and had a group of about ten girls (and one gay guy) some of whom i worked with some whom i went to highschool with. We were all super close and had a wonderful time. It really made me forget all my college troubles. My boyfriend liked these girls and they liked him back and together with some of these girls boyfriends we a very large group. I truly loved these girls.
But my anxiety got worse as the years went on, and the economy and turbulent job troubles made things worse for me. After months of erratic behavor and various outbursts on my part, as well as one of the girls dating my boyfriends good friend and roommate then him breaking up with her I suddenly lost every one of these friends. It happened all at once and since then no one will speak to me. At first I lashed out and was angry about the way they were treating me but within weeks my tone changed to apologetic. My boyfriend and various family members reached out to them many times trying to get them to speak to me but to no avail. I have sent them many emails and cards apologizing and begging them to take me back. I always send christmas card to them in the hopes that in the new year we’ll be friends again I’ve tried calling them as well and inviting them out to dinner to hash things out. When I got engaged a year and a half later I sent an email once again apologizing for my behavior and vowing to be a better friend, and then invited them to our engagment party. I did not recieve one response. Its like I no longer exsit.
Its now been two years since I lost them. I cannot enjoy anything about my wedding because I feel so bad about this. I have not been able to make any new friends. My fiance and I have a small group of guy friends from his college years, but they are not around very much. We are both very social people and love the company of others, but we are forced to stay in most nights alone and don’t really do much.
I have been engaged five months and cannot bring myself to deal with the bridesmaid situation. I had always planned on having a large bridal party with all my girl friends to balance out our guy friends, but now I can’t bring myself to even think about it. I didnt want any bridesmaids, execpt my maid of honor, who is my sister. But I felt bullied into it and was forced to ask my fiance’s sister and a friend from college. Now there is no turning back, I won’t take it back and I have to have them. I don’t want to go dress shopping or include them in anything. I feel horrible about it and only want my friends back. It hurts me so much. I am only inviting five friends to the wedding, and they are not close friends at all. No one really has any interest in being my friend. I’m greatful to the people that I do have around me but it doesn’t change the fact that I am lonley and very sad.
We are having a large wedding, mostly due to my fiance’s large family. His mother is inviting a ton of people (she has more friends going then we do) even though I wanted a very small wedding (perhaps to hide the fact that I have no friends). I know I should have spoken up but now there is nothing I can do.
My family gets very angry with me when they hear that I am still upset by this and tell me to just let it go, but I cannot. It colors so many aspects of the wedding. And it is ruining the experience for me. My fiance and my family hate these girls and say that I am being silly.
I know it was my fault that I lost my friends and I know they were not worth having in the first place if they could do something like this to me. But it still doesn’t help. Today I am much better, I now have a stable job that i love very much over a year ago and that has really grounded me and helped me. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I am so lonley and depressed every time I see bridesmaids or even large groups of girls. I don’t know what I’m looking for with this post, just hoping for some advice as to how to enjoy the wedding in the wake of all these horrible things.