Post # 1
i don’t know what my problem has been over the past few months but i have next to NO sex drive. I am NOT on birth control, and things in our relationship have actually been REALLY, really great recently, outside of this problem.
We don’t live together, which has always been a little bit of an issue when it comes to sex, but we’ve found ways around it. But recently, even when we ARE alone together, I just have no interest. When my fiance invites me over for some “us” time, I actually find myself trying to think of ways to get out of it.
I feel so guilty. My feelings for him (physical/emotional) haven’t changed. His appearance hasn’t changed. He hasn’t hurt my feelings or anything.
A few weeks ago we talked about “spicing things up” because after 4 years, of course we want to try new things. I bought lingerie which I feel ridiculous in and I’m always so cold I just want to wrap myself up in the blankets. We tried using whipped cream, peanut butter, etc, but I just felt awkward and messy and gross. New positions and 69 also feel awkward and hardly give me any pleasure. It’s honestly not him — I am perfectly satisfied with his size, his “methods,” etc. But for some reason recently I just don’t even want to think about having sex or giving/receiving oral, or anything. Sometimes I don’t even want to kiss. The other night he was kissing my neck, my back, and rubbing my shoulders and instead of feeling loved and turned on I just wanted to roll my eyes and go watch TV or work on my novel or something.
I force myself to get “in the mood” and sometimes it sort of works but then there are times when we’re having sex or I’m giving him oral or whatever and I literally have to force myself to keep going. Sometimes I even feel disgusting for some reason.
I am NOT a prudish person and NEVER have felt like this before. I’ve been throwing out excuses to stop my fiance from feeling like he’s doing something wrong (which he’s not) but I just feel so guilty and can’t understand why I want nothing to do with sex!!!
Post # 3
To me it almost founds like your trying to force things to much. In my experience, “forcing” myself to do something rarely helps.
Are you feeling stressed from work or anything like that? As that often will take its toll.
Instead of forcing yourself into clothes you don’t like, or trying kinky things you may not necessarily be into, could you try taking a quiet weekend away to destress and just enjoy each others company?
Post # 4
Awww, I’m sorry. Are you feeling ok otherwise (health, body image, etc.)?
I don’t have much advice to give, just sympathy. But if this is unusual for you and there aren’t any obvious reasons (stress, generally feeling unattractive, relationship problems), then I would go see your doctor if things don’t improve in the next month or so.
Post # 5
I can admit that I somewhat understand how you feel. My Fiance and I do not live together either and it’s been difficult to have alone time together… when we finally get it we are exhausted because it’s super late or we feel rushed and it’s killing both of our drives. We are also stressed with the wedding, finding a place to live, a job change for me and the list goes on. I think stress really has a lot to do with it. I would recommend taking things slowly. Perhaps a bath together without sex involved to just enjoy each other… with a glass of wine… music or no music and NO PRESSURE! It will reintroduce closeness… you can rub his feet or he can rub yours.. and expectations are low which allows you to relax a bit. I would also suggest doing something that will set you free out of your routine… if it’s nice out… take a quiet walk in a secluded place to walk hand in hand and just focus on each other without the million distractions we have nowadays. Another idea is to give each other back massages with a great smelling oil… it helps with relaxing just in general and allows you to be close. Or, a couples massage may be fun for you, too. Please don’t be too hard on yourself.. life is crazy and stress runs high sometimes… just slow down the pace a bit and enjoy the moment without pressure. Good luck
Post # 6
My fiance and I both have bad hips and we hurt continually. We need painkillers to get us through the day. We both have no sex drive and we don’t feel like we need a doctor to “fix it”. (The only way is for us both to have hip relacements!) We enjoy each other’s company and we are plenty happy with ourselves. It is a problem if one partner thinks it’s a problem and wants sex, then go see a doctor, it could be a medical issue that is easily solved… But for us, it’s okay.
Post # 7
Is the fact that you have to go over for “us” time, detract from the intimacy level.?. Are you satisfied with the amount of time you spend and things you do outside of your sex life?
Maybe you are just in a funk? Some seasonal depression or just a blah point. Hopefully you can get things sorted out and get back some spark that was once had!
Post # 8
This seems to also conincide with winter, do you get enough vitamin D? Weve had issues with this and I find that it helps to take things into your own hands when hes not arond (women get more sexually turned on the more that she has orgasms). My trick now is when I even think about sex I jump him I dont finish my sentence or anything I just do it asap. There is a really really good book which has really helped us and I highly recommend all men and women to read it. I *heart* Female Orgasms its incredible and made for real women.
Post # 9
Wow I can relate to every word of your post I’m in the exact same position. I think it’s the stress of wedding planning and working full time and trying to move in with Fiance that made me totally lose my sex drive. My life is just so chaotic now. And like you said, it’s not Fiance it’s me! Sometimes I find myself rolling my eyes and thinking of ways to get out of it too lol. Hopefully we can break out of this slump soon and start having fun again!!
Post # 10
Honestly, I’d go see a doctor. Yes, stress can be an issue. But from your post it doesn’t sound like stress, otherwise I would have expected you to say “been so busy with x,y,z and I’m just not in the mood anymore.” But hormonal imbalance could be it as well. And it really doesn’t hurt to see a professional.