(Closed) I have opposite of baby fever and my fiance really wants kids someday

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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katelyndawn89:  You sound like I did at your age. I am now child free, 51 years old and no regrets. Not everyone needs to have children.

Post # 17
Member
2002 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

I’m going through something very similar right now. 

Maybe it’s just me feeling like I’m definitely not prepared to be a mom, but I have been toying with the idea of no kids, or maybe just one. DH definitely says he wants kids, but I don’t think he fully understands the extent of it (as in, how hard it actually is to take care of them and raise them to be kind, polite adults). 

I could be you right now! I think to myself, I really don’t know how I’ll feel, even a year from now. So, for the moment I’m keeping my thoughts to myself until I get them organized a little more and figure out what I actually want. Once I know what that is, I can talk to DH if need be. For now, I might try to warm him up to the idea of having only 1 kid.

Post # 18
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171 posts
Blushing bee

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katelyndawn89:  It doesn’t sound like you wnat kids and that’s ok, it’s not for everyone. I’ll be super sad when my kids are older and not little babies, though I do look forward to every stage of their childhood. Maybe you could adopt and older child or two when the time comes?

 

Post # 19
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308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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akazan: Yikes. I strongly disagree with your advice. Like any other way of having children, adoption is an amazing and wonderful way to have children if you are called to it. But a lot of older kids in the adoption system have complex emotional and medical histories. For those who don’t feel that parental urge, adopting an older child is like trying to learn to parent on HARD MODE.

katelyndawn89:  I absolutely understand loving someone so much you can’t imagine your life without him. I also understand being tremendously excited and full of ambition and wonder over your plans for yourself (in terms of your music, etc).

Blunt honesty: most of the women I know who didn’t want kids in their twenties but chose to have kids in their thirties did so NOT because they developed a full-fledged case of wanting to be a mom, but because they — to paraphrase — had an empty feeling of “Is this it?”, or a crisis about getting older and no longer being officially “young” any more. Having a kid was, to them, a way to give their lives new meaning, AND/OR to defer having to confront questions about their own mortality.

If you derive true and rich meaning from your pursuits, hobby, and career — if you hope and plan to work to leave a lasting legacy through your music, say — chances are, you won’t have this existential crisis that led a few of my friends to change their minds about kids.

In short, I’ve got bad news – since you don’t feel the drive to be a mom, then chances are, the happier you are with your life, the less likely you are to change your mind about having kids.

Now, if you had always felt the drive to be a mom, but it had briefly disappeared, I would tell you differently. I know a lot of women who have ALWAYS dreamed of little hands clutching their necks, and the sweet siren call of “MOOOOOOM!” ringing through their houses. This doesn’t sound like you, though. And that’s perfectly OKAY. Heck, people who are childless by choice generally score higher on happiness tests than people with kids — and their marriages DEFINITELY score higher in that area (for the majority of their lives, at least).

But where it’s not okay is the fact that you and your Fiance aren’t on the same page. Please consider finding a counselor in your area who is childfree-friendly (so you don’t get someone who’ll demonize you as abnormal) and talk with your Fiance about your worries in this safe space. Otherwise, worst case scenario – you’ll end up a resentful, unhappy, depressed mother who is embittered by having to do the majority of childraising (as women still, 90% of the time, do).

Post # 20
Member
464 posts
Helper bee

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katelyndawn89:  I’m childfree by choice, and I’ve always known I didn’t want kids. My biological clock was left on the factory floor! When I was young, I never played house or played with baby dolls, and I never babysat. I’ve never wanted anything to do with kids. I’ve never been able to see any upside to having them: to me, frankly, they’re loud, obnoxious, dirty, expensive, and they’d screw up my figure. I’ve always known they’re not my thing. Not everyone wants kids, and that’s OK – it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or that you’re a bad person. It seems like a lot of women just assume they’ll have a kid (without thinking it through) because that’s just what people do: they get married, buy a house, and have a kid. Not everyone has to follow that script though! It might not be for you! Kudos to you for questioning the status quo.

All that being said, I could never be with someone who wanted children. I would never sacrifice so much (to me, it would ruin my life) for something I find unpleasant. I think you should do some more soul searching, and talk to your partner. Maybe, like many people, he just assumes he’ll have kids some day because that’s what everyone he knows has done. Maybe he hasn’t really thought it through. It’s a discussion you really should have!

Post # 21
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting kids. But make sure you’re honest with your Fiance about your feelings. You should try and make sure you’re on the same page or that one of you will be willing to compromise further down the line. This is the kind of thing people get divorced over!! 

Post # 22
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

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katelyndawn89:  I’m in the same boat. I’ve flip flopped over having kids my whole life. I’m 29 now, and if I do have them, I want to do it while I’m still young. But I’m still waiting for the feeling that I’m absolutely sure this is what I want. I’m terrified that I’ll regret it and be miserable. It’s scaring me how many people are telling you “you don’t want kids and that’s ok.” I want to desperately want to be a mother, like it seems most women do. I really identify with you on this. Hoping we both find some clarity. 

Post # 23
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2499 posts
Buzzing bee

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katelyndawn89:  I don’t like kids at all either. Other people’s kids annoy me. I don’t think I would feel that way towards my own though. There is the occassional well behaved, sweetheart that I see in public that makes me think kids are okay.

I would be happy having 1, and no more than that. My fiance wants a child together very much. When I was your age I never dreamed I’d change my ‘no kids ever’ policy. Now, in my 30s I am more open to the idea, but I would never consider myself a “kids person”. I would say take your 20s to yourself. Kids can wait till your 30s. I am so glad I didn’t have them during that decade. The 20s are a lot of people’s ‘me’ years, then they find they want to start a family as they mature.

Everyone’s pace is different! Good luck!

Post # 24
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19 posts
Newbee

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swonderful:  I’m glad I’m not the only one. My dear man & I don’t want children and honestly, I brought it up on the first date. I’d dated men who desperately wanted children before that and I always ended up leaving those relationships because I didn’t feel comfortable. My dear man & I agreed that since we are young, if we change our minds* we’ll adopt. I have NO desire to be pregnant, ever.

*I doubt we will change our minds, but it could happen. This is also the route I use when explaining it to my grandbaby crazed but loving mother. Hopefully my brother has kids!

———————————————————————————————

To the OP though, I’m surprised you haven’t talked to your FH about this further. The thing that sticks out to me the most is “I will have to have a baby when I don’t really want one or my husband will resent me, but if I have a baby what if I resent the child?” 

If you are concerned your FH will resent you if you don’t have a child, I wonder how much you’ve talked about this. I would be running for the hills if I thought my dear man would resent me if I decided I wanted to adopt. Talk to your partner, you’re not alone in the decision. If he loves you (which he should) he’ll be able to talk about it rationally. Write him a letter if it’s too hard to get out in person. That’s how I’ve started a few tough talks with my darlin’.

On the other hand, people do say that you will like your own children the most (yay hormones). I would evaluate my life goals and think about how having a child would impact them. If you think you can handle the impact and still want a kid, you’re golden.

Good luck working through this important issue OP!

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by shiver23.
  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by shiver23. Reason: formatting
Post # 25
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

None of us on here can tell you if you want kids or not..

My advice to you is to clear your mind from all the ‘what ifs’ and picture yourself with your husband when you’re both 40. How do you see yourself? Do you see yourself in a house with kids toys.. do you see yourself as a Mum.. do you see yourself with children in your life?

Picture yourself when you’re both 65.. do you see yourself as a grandmother?

Picture yourself in your 80s.. what do you want to be able to leave behind when you start looking back on your life?

If those pictures include children and grandchildren, then you want children.. you’re just afraid of the ‘reality’ of it because it’s a big step.

If those pictures dont’ include children, then you dont’ want children. One of my friends pictures herself doing lots of volunteer work, looking after animals, protecting the environment.. she just knows for certain that her future doesn’t include children.

It’s normal for a lot of people to be nervous about having children, especially more anxious types who like to plan things in advance and have their lives under control. If that’s you, you just need to take it as it comes and trust that when you’re actually expecting a baby and when you actually have children, you’ll make it work and you’ll love them.

If, when you picture yourself in your 40s, 50s, 60s, you honestly have no idea what you want, then I’d do some proper soul searching and getting to know yourself better before you get married.. because I think that when people get married they should have a pretty clear idea of the future that they want.. otherwise it’s not fair to your SO, because you’re promising them a life-long commitement when you don’t actually really know what you want. I think that’s one of the reasons a lot of marriages end in divorce.

Post # 26
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7555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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katelyndawn89:  Talk to your Fiance. It is perfectly ok to say “I am undecided on kids and I need you to understand that it may turn out that I do not ever want to have them. I understand if this alters our relationship but I needed to be honest with you before we get married”. He will then need to do some soul searching of his own. He might be happy to play it by ear or he might decide he needs to be with someone who is sure about having kids.

I am a big believer that you can love someone but still not be the right person for them. 

Post # 27
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee

To me it sounds more like you do want kids at some point, but you’re scared of not wanting them. You do have the option of making a concious decision that you aren’t ready yet, but you WILL have kids later. Leave it at that. Stop stressing so much on something that you’ve already said will be 5+ years away!

Post # 28
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2080 posts
Buzzing bee

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katelyndawn89:  If you’re 25 now and hoping you’ll be ready to have kids 10 years from now, just be aware that your fertility will have declined significantly by then. One of my best friends put off TTC until she was 37. She is now 41, and she and her DH have spent more than $40k on fertility treatments that haven’t worked. They are praying for a miracle at this point. 

This is one of those potential dealbreakers in a relationship. I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but my advice would be to put the wedding on hold until you have figured this out. 

Your Fiance is very firm that he wants kids, and it doesn’t sound like he would be OK with rolling the dice and gambling that you’ll be fully ready for motherhood at some far off point in the future. 

In addition, children should not be brought into this world as an experiment or on a hunch that you think you might be ready to take on motherhood. It wouldn’t be fair to them, it wouldn’t be fair to you, and it wouldn’t be fair to your SO.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with these mixed feelings. I can see why this is upsetting and frustrating to you. On a side note, I never really wanted kids so I never had to struggle with this issue. My husband also never was dead-set on having kids so we’re very compatible that way. We are in the process of retiring early — one of the main reasons being because we never had the expense of kids. I understand everything you’re saying about loving your freedom and also being turned off by kids whose parents let them run wild. I’m a former public school teacher and I’ve seen it all. LOVE my freedom and peace and quiet at home.

Good luck to you, OP. I hope you come to terms with this and can find a solution that works for you. 

Post # 29
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

The worst thing you can do is let fear make the decisions in your life.  Whether it’s fear of having kids or fear of your losing your SO, it can blind you to what you really want from life.  

FWIW, I never, ever had baby fever.  Nobody has ever cooed at me “Oh, you’re so great with kids!”.  The thought of being responsible for a baby still intimidates the hell out of me.  But if I wasn’t sure about kids, I was sure about kids with DH and now we have one on the way.  Like most decisions in my life, if I had waited for a feeling of perfect reassurance and absolute confidence, I’d be waiting forever.  

Post # 30
Member
8066 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

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katelyndawn89:  I think, at 25, it’s very normal to not want kids.  I had a lot of similar feelings to you.  I always wanted a family and kids in sort of an abstract sense, one that always seemed very far away.  I used to joke what I really wanted was grandkids so I could have the fun and still send them home at the end of the day lol.  I NEVER had baby fever.  I always knew I would at least wait until 30, so at 25 I wanted nothing to do with having babies.

Honestly, I always felt that I would have been happy with or without kids.  Like, if I couldn’t get pregnant, I wasn’t going to go through a lot of trouble of $$ to try and get pregnant.  And I wasn’t interested in adoption.  I just felt I’d also be equally as happy without kids and I honestly always felt a little on the fence about it.  I never felt old enough to have kids (and I’m 30). 

I also never loved little babies, I always liked them around 1 yr old and then when they were older.

I went off my BCP at 29 to see how my cycles would be because I had been on it 16 years and had very wild and irregular cycles before the pill.  I got pregnant 2 weeks later.  Honestly, I had a pretty emotional time the first few months because I was pretty anxious about the fact that it could change things, and that I wasn’t old enough (I was 29 lol), and etc, etc.  Totally normal to be a little freaked out when it actually happens!  My DH was over the moon!  He handled it way better than I did those first few months (ok, hormones don’t help you out here either haha)

I have a 6 mo old who I absolutely adore and I love having her so much I think I’d have 3 more if I could (you will be over the moon about your own baby- you might not feel the same about someone else’s baby/kids…).  So my baby has given me some baby fever lol.  Honestly, other people’s (ill behaved) children still annoy the crap out of me.  But that is really a discipline issue more than anything, and mostly on the parents.  All kids have bad days, but the ones who are constantly misbehaving usually have a lack of discipline or structure at home. 

I’m not suggesting you go out and get pregnant without deciding it is right for you, but I’m just letting you know that it is possible to be sort of “meh” about kids (even though I always wanted a family in sort of a far-off sense) and end up absolutely loving it.  So, I think it’s possible that some people might not ever be entirely “ready” (meaning always feeling like they need to be older, or have more money, etc) and have to sort of dive in if they decide they want to try.

Please don’t listen to PP who say that trying to have a baby at 35 will be difficult or impossible.  That is really not the case, unless you have underlying issues.  It is certainly possible to have issues, but do not have kids before you’re ready just because you think you won’t be able to have them later.  Plenty of people 30-40 get pregnant easily.

If you would have asked me at 25 if I wanted kids, I would have said “I think so…”  You do not have to have everything figured out at 25 and you certainly don’t need to make a final decision, but you should definitely sit down as discuss it with your fiance. 

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