Post # 1
Long time reader, first time writer…
I feel like I am in a rather unique situation and would appreciate any advice from all you lovely ladies.
I am together with my wonderful boyfriend, and over the past few months we have had a few discussions about marriage and life-long plans. Anyway, I feel like we are on the same page and keep reminding him “as a female I take all these marriage/wedding conversations to heart, so if he isn’t 100% sure he needs to stop bringing it up”.
Anyway, I am going back to my parents next week (I live with my boyfriend in his home-country) for a visit. I have always wanted my grandmothers wedding ring as my engagement ring since the moment I saw it. I have expressed this of course to my mother, and she simply said “whenever you want it, it’s yours.”
Ladies of the Hive, hows should I play it?
I don’t want to pressure my boyfriend, because I feel we are very much on the same page, but I only see my parents once a year, and don’t know if I can wait another year.
On the long drive to the airport I thought I could casually say to him..
“Just so you know I have always wanted my grandmothers ring, as my engagement ring, it is just sitting in some drawer at my parents. If you would like I could get it for us on this trip. Then, this way you would have it. I don’t want you to feel pressured, so just think about it over the next few weeks I am gone and if you want me to get it, just let me know. Then you could hold on to it until it’s the right time. Of course if you are not ready, I won’t be at all upset or anything. I just want you to know it is my dream ring, and the option is there for you.”
I feel confident of where we are together in our relationship. I just want to be careful not to pressure him too much so he doesn’t regress, if you know what I mean.
So ladies should I suggest this option to him, or keep quiet and be patient?
Many thanks in advance.
Post # 3
I was in a similar position. I had an heirloom diamond (not a ring. just diamond) and I just gave it to him taped to a picture of my ideal setting with a funny caption written undreneath it. He thought it was funny and still has the diamond to place in a setting when he is ready (that hasn’t happened yet. ugh) Of course, take my advice with a grain of salt…I still don’t have a ring on my finger and I think I have been a little too pushy with the whole engagement thing. LOL
Post # 4
Hmmm…well I don’t think that you should keep quiet because then he’ll never know. But I think you should mention it casually. I don’t know about the whole “i’ll get it for you” part though…maybe he needs more time to decide and then maybe he can ask your mother’s permission to take the ring…
Post # 5
I dont know how.. but you need to bring it up bc otherwise he will never know, and you may end up with something thats not your dream!
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2011 - Laurel Rock Farms, PA
If I were I think I would have my mother give him a little hint that its here with them and its the one you want. I would not say it myself to him but like you said you and HIM dont get to visit your parents alot and you dont want that dewling on his mind. Your mom can always mail it to you as well, with insurance of course!
Post # 7
Can you just ask your mom for it (making it *very clear* that you are not at the stage of him asking, but that way you have it to hand when that event occurs? Will your mom be ok giving it over super early + not pressuring you about it? It just seems like you are asking him to make a weighty decision quickly (I realize it’s not asking you to marry him, but still) and if you can get where you want to be without doing that, it might be better.
I also wouldn’t mention it on the drive to the airport. That seems a bit like an ambush to me… Just mention this week and say you know the two of you have been talking marriage/long range plans, and while you know this may be a little bit early, you wanted to let him know that you’ve always dreamed of getting engaged with your grandmother’s ring for sentimental reasons, and what does he think of that? (Again, you needn’t say “and I’ll go get it now!”)
Also, is there any way to visit them again before the year is up, or any chance they’d visit you?
Post # 8
The conversation only needs to be:
“Just so you know, my grandmother’s e-ring has been set aside for me and it would mean a lot to me to have it as my e-ring”
Then the ball is in his court and he can get it whenever he wants to (plane, mail, visiting relative)
YOU getting it from your mother to give to him to give to you kind of takes the romance and his role out of it,
Post # 9
@Everdeen: I disagree. I don’t think I could let an heirloom go through the mail like that, and it would be a ton of unnecessary expense for the boyfriend to have to travel to another country to retrieve the ring.
OP, why don’t you get the ring for yourself? You don’t have to tell your SO until you’re ready, but have the ring handy in case you decide the time is right or it comes up in conversation. It could be something as easy as “for when you’re ready, I have a ring that I would like to be my engagement ring.” He doesn’t need to know when you got it or have pressure added on!
Post # 10
I actually think the way you said it in the OP sounds good. I wouldn’t have it shipped because it could get lost/stolen and if you only see them once a year I doubt your SO would be able to just hop on a plane to pick it up. As long as you make sure he knows it’s a matter of logistics, I feel like he should understand.
Post # 11
Maybe you should tell him about it before you leave for the airport. Bring it up casually and let him know how much it means to you, and then let him decide what to do. If he’s ready, he’ll ask your mom for it. If he’s not, it’ll wait until he is. I think getting it for yourself would make him feel like he didn’t contribute anything.
Post # 12
I like what most ladies ahve said on here – if you guys are talking pretty often about it, find a way to mention, maybe next time a jewelry ad pops up on TV, that while modern, new rings are pretty, you’re glad your family has set aside an heriloom e-ring for you. That could lead into a discussion of what it looks like, etc, and you could say, well, I can bring it from my mom’s this next trip so you can look at it.
Then, maybe go get a small safe or lock box to keep it in, let him know what’s in there, and that you won’t check it – if he decides to use it, he’ll tell you by putting it on your finger when he’s ready.
OR, let him know it exsists this trip… then try to plan trips where he’s able to go, too, in case he wants your parents’ belssing, and he can ask on his own for it.
Post # 13
I would just go on my trip, bring the ring back without mentioning it and when you get back wait until the topic comes up and let him know that you have a ring that you would love to have as your e-ring and figure out a way he can have it without you knowing. Maybe you put it in a safe deposit box and give him the key?
Post # 14
Tell your mother to pull him aside and offer it to him. That way you don’t have to bring it up at all.
Post # 15
Wow, thanks ladies for all the suggestions. After reading everything suggested and said, as well as just listening to my own thoughts. I am just going to keep quiet, go on my trip, and enjoy the time with my family. Then, once I return home next time the marriage conversation comes up, I am just going inform him about the ring, simple, honest, and no pressure. It would not be normal or expected for him to ask my parents permission so him getting the ring on his own isn’t realistic. I think overall getting a ring into his hands isn’t going to make a proposal come any faster, he will do it when he is ready, with or without a ring. There is always the choice that if a proposal comes before I see my parents again I could always instead get my wedding band first, and have the “e-ring” at the wedding. I think playing this conversation over and over in heads, just makes me realise that I feel secure if our relationship and that everything should happen in time. Of course a few weeks away with limited phone access might help him appreciate even more just how lucky is he to have me around .
Thanks again for all the options.
Post # 16
He’ll probably start hinting by snooping in your jewelry, or dragging you past jewelry store windows before he starts shopping… that’ll be your cue to mention the ring 🙂