I have the higher sex drive…and it makes me sad.

posted 1 year ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

Toys to pleasure yourself between times? 

Post # 3
Member
3922 posts
Honey bee

So did you not have sex before marriage?

Post # 4
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

Sorry bee, I think that you should post this on reddit dead bedrooms and see what advice they give. It will also show you that you aren’t alone. Your bedroom isn’t dead but sounds like it could be one day. Seems like you have mismatched libidos and that could really damage a marriage without compromise from both parties.  https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/

 

Post # 6
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have always had a higher sex drive than all my partners. I had major struggles with my ex because we would go months between sex. I am not a huge fan of masterbation, surprisingly, so the please my self thing wasn’t really an option. I am in a long distance relationship with my current boyfriend, so when we see each other, we have sex a couple of times daily. He does have a performance issue after a couple of times in a day (we are mid 30s after all) but said he would take testosterone injections since he has low testosterone.  Has your husband thought of getting his testosterone levels checked?  What about other types of sexual activity (going down on you, using toys/ fingers on you)? 

Post # 7
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

forestfaerie :  unfortunately, you really only have two options. Learn to be satisfied with your sex life as it is right now or leave. 

It’s not that he doesn’t love you, and that’s part of what makes it so terrible. He might be able to muster a higher drive every now and then, but it won’t be permanent. The best he would be able to do is to force himself to adhere to a schedule. If you’re good with that, maybe it could work out long-term. I’m going to be honest, though; it doesn’t feel good to know that your husband is having sex with you out of duty and not desire. 

You have to look deep inside yourself and be honest as to whether you can be content with the current scenario being the best you can get. Not only that, you’d have to be able to let go of any resentment you already have and stop it from building in the future. It’s not his fault – he didn’t know he’d be low libido for the long-term. 

Post # 8
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

forestfaerie :  yes, it might hurt his feeling, but isn’t that worth it to save your marriage? Aren’t your feelings hurt right now? No one wants to hurt their partner, but by not talking about it you’re hurting BOTH of you. The number one quality in a successful marriage is open communication – you HAVE to be able to talk about your marriage (and all that comes with it) together. 

Post # 9
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

HisMoon :  actually, there’s a third option – OP can talk with her husband and they can come to a compromise on having sex more frequently. OP doesn’t just have to accept the situation. Of course, this depends on OPs husband being willing to work on the marriage, which isn’t guaranteed. But she does have this option.

Post # 10
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

forestfaerie :  I’m sorry.  I was in a similar situation with a long time ex (five year relationship).  At first things weren’t so bad, but they got worse and worse.  It felt like I was always begging for sex.  I was also getting frequently rejected, which hurt a lot.  We were having sex like 2-6 times a month, I was always initiating, and I felt that it wasn’t enough.  It made me feel ugly, unattractive and deviant.  (I felt like some kind of sex fiend.  Why are all the stories about the man having a much higher sex drive?)  

My advice is that you MUST discuss your feelings with your husband.  Be open, be honest, and tell him how you feel.  Ask him to help you address this is issue in a nonaccusatory way.  You could schedule sex, have a minimum number of times per week to have sex, and have him occassionally initiate.  Its really is important that he occassionally initiate.  I think if the two of you work together, you can work through this and get to a mutally satifying sex life.  Marriage is all about compromise.  

Really, the issue is communication.  I know you may be embarrassed discussing this with your husband, but it is the only way to solve the problem.  I know you may hurt his feelings, but you can be delicate.  Expressing yourself, even if you risk hurting your partners feelings, is important.  If he is a good partner, he will be open to making sure you both find your sex life satisfying.

To be frank, one of the major reasons my ex and I are no longer together is that he refused to deal with his sexual issues.  He was never willing to come to a compromise, and I was very dissatisfied with our sex life.  Over time, it very negatively affected our relationship.  We had larger communication issues, but the lack of sex was a major symptom.  It also made me feel unattractive and unwanted, which lead to great resentment on my part.  

My husband has a much higher sex drive than me.  To be honest, I’ve found it no difficulty to accomidate his needs.  Sex is easy and it should be fun.  Its not that hard to choose to have it because you know its important to your partner.  By the time you get going, you are into it too!  But, I may be more sensative to these issues given my past experience.

Talk to your husband.  He loves you, and wants you to be happy.  I’m sure he will listen.  Don’t feel alone.  It happens to many women. You will never solve the problem if you do not address it with him…

There is no right amount or wrong amount to have sex.  Some people are satisfied with once a month, others are unsatisfied with 5 times a week.  The most important thing is that both partners in a relationship are satisfied (even if that involves a little compromise from both parties.)

Post # 11
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

catskillsinjune :  Actually, I pointed out later in my response that maybe he could compromise and basically force himself to have sex with her more often. Speaking from experience, it’s not a true option. She’ll be able to tell that he truly isn’t into it, and he probably won’t be able to keep up the compromise for the long haul. Really, he shouldn’t have to if he doesn’t want to, either. 

ETA forestfaerie :  I do agree that you have to talk to him about it. Give him a chance to at least try.

Post # 15
Member
2877 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

catskillsinjune :  Actually, if she wants to remain married to him then she absolutely does have to accept it. There is no such thing as compromising with sex. You either want to do it or you don’t. Trying to force someone into having sex with you for the sake of “compromise” is pretty freaking gross. And his sex drive has nothing to do with his desire to work on his marriage. Having a low sex drive has absolutely no correlation to the love you have for your partner. 

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