I have the higher sex drive…and it makes me sad.

posted 1 year ago in Intimacy
Post # 16
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I don’t have the greatest advice because my husband and I are equally satisfied in how much we have sex which is way less than most bees. What I can say is there isn’t always a hormone thing that explains why someone is this way. I used to want sex ALL.THE.TIME! When Dh and I first started dating I could do it two or three times a day and just burned him out. Now we both work more and we’re tired. I commuted for two years now he does and we have different schedules so sex isn’t always a pressing issue for either of us and I think that’s fine if it works for both people.  I don’t think it’s aways hormones. Some people just don’t want or need it as much.

Post # 17
348 posts
Helper bee

forestfaerie :  Honestly, tell him the truth about how you feel.  If he doesn’t know that you want to have sex more frequently, he can’t change.  He may think you are perfectly satisfied. OR WORSE, he may think that you don’t want sex more frequently and that he is burdening you with his demands.  The sterotype of women not wanting frequent sex cuts both ways.  

It sounds like both of you are fairly inexperienced, which makes talking about sex much harder.  Bring it up to him in a way that spins the situation to the positive.  You can say something to the effect of – I love being close to you, it so special, and I feel like we don’t get that closeness often enough.  I would like us to be intimate more often.  Don’t get into medical issues just yet like low testostorone.  The truth is, he may be uncomfortable asking for more frequent sex.

Don’t feel alone.  I have multiple female friends who have been/are in similar situations.  It came up over wine and mutual sadness.  Your situation isn’t unusual AT ALL, sadly.  The only advice I can give you is that the best way to have good sex is to communicate with your hubby.  Honestly, he may be excited if you ask for more regular sex.  

Also, something I’ve learned is that the key to good sex is communication.  The best sex I’ve ever had is with my hubby, because he asks what I need.  Not only that, he communicates what he needs.  To be quite frank, I was not very good at communicating my needs before I met him.  He sort of tutored me.  I learned from him.  In your situation, you may need to be the leader.  Tell your hubby what you want, and ask him what he would like…  

Also, just like anything else in your relationship, you can compromise on the frequency of sex.  Ignore PPs who say otherwise.  

Post # 18
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

pussinboots07 :  Also, just like anything else in your relationship, you can compromise on the frequency of sex.  Ignore PPs who say otherwise.  

Please don’t fill OP’s head with false hope or bad ideas. Asking someone to work outside of their sexual comfort zone is not a sustainable, long-term solution. If her husband makes that choice on his own, then great, but he may not be willing to keep it up. It will be even more hurtful to her if/when that breaks down. 

Post # 19
68 posts
Worker bee

forestfaerie :  the only thing you can really do is talk to him. Tell him how you feel, ask how he feels. Don’t use accusatory words like “you don’t…” use things like “I feel…”. It is sometimes hard and awkward, but it needs to be done to work out issues. 

Post # 20
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

OP, I do think this can be worked on but you both have to accept the reality that you both have a differing sex drive and that you are  both compromising. 

Sometimes you do something for your partner that is neither here nor there for yourself but you do it for them because it means that they are happy. I don’t think its too much of an ask to expect your husband to initiate sex once in while just because he knows it makes you happy. Every couple that wants a long lasting and happy relationship has to prioritise putting effort into doing things to fill their partners love bank. It can be simple stuff like cooking their favorite meal or going to see a movie that your not into but you know your partner is. Sex is no different.

I think explaining it to your husband like that may help him to see why he needs to actively and consciously make an effort to initiate and doing that is like putting some credits into your relationship bank. It might not be important to him but its important to you which in turn makes it important the longevity of your relationship. You should never stop putting effort into your relationship and you should explain that to him.

Literally tell him that him randomly initiating and getting you off during those times he’s not in the mood for PIV sex count towards credits in the love bank for you. Communication, lots of effort with a little bit of compromise is the key here. 

I also think him having an issue with you self pleasuring is off here. Especially when he has a low drive and it could be a way of helping you both be happy with your frequency. I would definitely talk to him about that too. 

Also, don’t ever think that his low sex  drive or rejection has anything to do with you. It’s just a fact of his life that he doesn’t require as much intimacy as you and that has nothing to do with your attractiveness in any shape or form.

Good luck bee xx


Post # 21
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

This is a topic that crops up in my marriage and we are working through it. We are much older though at 45 (me) and 49 (hubby). There are times we only have sex once per month. Ideally I would like it twice a week. I’m happy with once a week and I get crabby if it’s more than 2 weeks. He sees now that when it’s infrequent my insecurities crop up so he is trying to be more open for any type of sexual activity. We have discussed that I would be open to mutual masterbation during the slow times or oral sex. He is very affectionate outside the bedroom. We always cuddle every day. 

I’m learning that he feels the connection with me just cuddling and he’s learning that sometimes I need a deeper connection than that. It’s very hard to not feel desired. He has started to smack my butt playfully at times again to show me he does and he thinks that him texting me ok beautiful is telling me he finds me attractive and desirable. 

You need to be able to communicate, not just about sex but all things with your husband. He can’t fix something he doesn’t know that’s wrong. You have your entire lives together and there will be slow times and active times as you go through your lives. Sometimes mismatched sex drives are a deal ieaker in a marriage, communication is a start to see if this can be fixed or compromised upon. 

Post # 22
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

smalltownbigworld :  yes, there is such a thing as compromise with sex. Like just about anything else, you can put effort into it, and when do you you often wind up wanting it more. Libido is often largely a matter of habit – the more sex you have, the more sex you want. Like all habits, sometimes you gotta force yourself initially. There’s also a difference between forcing yourself through the entire act, and just forcing yourself to start. Oftentimes, starting has the highest inertia to overcome but once you’re actually having sex it’s a lot of fun. 

I’m just curious what you think of all those couples who are TTC and having sex that one or neither of them really doesn’t want to have. Is there something wrong with that, too? Or is it ok because another purpose is being served?

its sad that your views of sex are so limited. 

Post # 23
713 posts
Busy bee

You can defintely compromise with sex. My husband has a much higher sex drive than me. Ideally he would want it 2x per day but that is too much for me. I’d rather do it 3-4x per week. We end up having sex 5-7x per week. It was a little bit of an adjustment at first but doing it more makes me want it more. There are times when we have sex 3x per day because I am feeling super horny not because of him, but that only really started happening once we started having sex more. To be honest, I think you need to sit down and have a discussion with him about sex. He might be uncomfortable but that’s life. You two are both married adults. Also, I think it’s silly that you say he wouldn’t like it if you masturbated but also isn’t willing to please you himself. Sounds rather immature. 

Post # 24
6097 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

You’ve already gotten a lot of good advice from PPs – especially around the need to speak with your husband. I just wanted to reiterate the idea that you pleasuring yourself NEEDS to be an option for you and you need to find a way to make that clear and non negotiable for your husband. His sex drive will likely always be lower than yours but it’s not a fair expectation that you never get yourself off any more than it would be a fair expectation for him to get it up every single time you wanted sex.

I hope that the two of you can break through your communication barriers and find other ways to bring in more physical intimacy and ways to get both of your needs met. Otherwise, this situation is not sustainable in the long run.

Post # 25
348 posts
Helper bee

HisMoon :  I’m speaking from my own personal experience.  My now husband has a higher sex drive than me.  Sometimes I have sex with him, simply to make him happy.  However, once we get started, I’m really into it too. I have a friend who felt unsatisfied and she and her husband now schedule sex like their date nights.  She is much happier.

Sure, it won’t work for everyone.  If there is an underlying medical condition physical or mental, or their desires are terribly, terribly mismatched i.e. he wants it once a month, she wants it every day.  It depends on the couple, and what each party is comfortable with.  There is nothing wrong with talking to your partner about what you are feeling in a nonaccusatory way, and seeing if there is a solution.  Its true, there may be none.  However, if OP doesn’t talk to her partner, he will never know how she is feeling.

Edited to add:  I know there are people who are completely asexual, and they could not compromise on sex.  Its just not something they want.  However, based on the OPs post, this is not the case here.  

Post # 26
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2023

HisMoon :  no one should ever have to force themselves to have sex and I hate when someone suggests that. I know you didn’t say it but I’ve seen it come up before. 

Post # 27
1431 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

My SO and I don’t always line up libido wise.  I call it “take one for the team”.  Sometimes when I’m not in the mood I’ll go with it, he does the same for me. Sometimes I end up getting in the mood!  Always give it a try if one of you is after it.  If it doesn’t work out fine, but making the effort for eachother is nice!

Post # 28
2813 posts
Sugar bee

sharkey38 :  “Take one for the team”. Yes. Intimacy is an important aspect in a relationship 

OP, check out dead bedrooms on Reddit. It’s a whole sub forum dedicated to this issue 

Post # 29
118 posts
Blushing bee

I have a shaky sex drive. Basically I’ve got PTSD which dictates my sex drive. I go through periods where every day yes please. And then months of nothing. My partner has a high sex drive but I guess because mine is a health condition he’s a bit more considerate of my dry spells. I try. I really do. If he initiates I try. Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes we have to stop. 

The problem here is you feel like he doesn’t communicate with you on an issue you feel is crucial to make your marriage work. Sex is important. We need to be open about it. Everyone is correct. You must talk to him. He must put work into this but so must you. If he’s not feeling it, he finds you attractive still he just is maybe tired. Maybe sexy messages are awkward for him. Me and my partner used to send them now not so much. 

But as we fall into comfort zones with our partner, sex drive does wane at times. 

Post # 30
1318 posts
Bumble bee

i think you should figure out if he is ‘meh’ about sex or if he actively doesn’t want to have sex more often then you guys currently do. if he’s meh he could certainly take one for the team. pressuring someone to engage in sex acts when they really don’t want to is gross. expressing your feelings on the subject is entirely appropriate though. ask for what you want and see what solutions are practical. decide if its enough. good luck bee. 🙂

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