Post # 1
Backstory, my parents divorced when I was 12, my dad was having an affair and left my mum. i refused to see or speak to him for a few years but we started to build a relationship again when I went to university. We are certainly not close but he is my father. He won’t be giving me away.
My grandmother on my mums side never liked my dad even before my parents divorced but she got to another level of hate for him during and after the divorce. She is negative about me having any sort of relationship with him.
My grandmother is refusing to go to my wedding if my dad is there. I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy situation having both of them there and although she is incredibly bitter about my father I just assumed that she would just be adult about it and ‘suck it up’ for my wedding day. Apparently not. I don’t know what to do…
Bees, any advice, suggestions?
Post # 3
@Corgi-cariad: Yikes! I’m sorry you’re going through this =( Part of me thinks if your dad is okay with seeing your grandmother and your grandmother is the one who is making a big fuss, she should be the one to sit out. But on the other hand, it really depends on your relationship with your dad. If it will cause a really big strain on a relationship you are trying to rebuild, I wouldn’t push your dad away but if you don’t think he’ll be bothered too much or if he’s the type that will be understanding, it might be easier to give your grandmother her way.
Post # 4
If you want to invite your dad, invite your dad. If she’s causing the problem, she can decide whether she cares enough to suck it up and be celebrate with you on your day or if she’s so self-centered she can’t put aside her personal feelings. Not your problem that she refuses to look past it. Invite everyone that YOU want to be there. Don’t get in the middle of her issues with your dad.
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
I always side with the one who is making the effort to be civil. I assume your wedding will have 50+ other people for grandma to talk to. We all have to go to events that have people we don’t like – that’s life. You are not at all out of line for inviting your father – she is out of line for demanding you don’t. You have years and years ahead of you to mend your relationship with your dad, and this is an opportunity he is happily taking to be there for you.
Post # 6
I would write a letter to your grandmother because sometimes when people read something and can’t interrupt like they can during a conversation you can get ahead further. Write to her that you love her but that you also love your father. Let her know that while your father did something wrong, it doesn’t change you lovinng him. Explain that you’re feeling hurt that they can’t put their feelings for each other aside for you for a day and that it’s not fair to make you choose between your father and your grandmother.
Maybe if she could distance herself from the situation she could see how unreasonable she’s being.
Post # 7
Regardless of your relationship with your father, you still chose to invite him to your wedding. Therefore, you should not choose between the two of them. So far, I am blessed not to have any guests like that but, if it were me and someone said Im not coming if they’re coming then my reply would be – fine, then don’t come. If youre choosing to be childish and not put your differences aside that is your choice.
Its not like you’re asking her to talk to him…just to be in the same room.
Post # 8
i’m sorry that you’re dealing with this stress. it’s never fun. however…
i’m going to put this bluntly- are either of them paying for the wedding? if not, they have no say in who can or can’t attend. simple as that. they’re adults. they can act civilly. and if not, they will make fools out of themselves at your wedding. and that will make them look like assholes.
Post # 9
In these situations I always side with the person who didn’t have an affair. Your dad had a chance before and he was selfish enough to have an affair while married. I’m siding with your grandma, she didn’t do anything wrong, she just doesn’t want to be in the same room as your dad (who DID do something wrong an put his needs over that of his wife and child).
Post # 10
You don’t have to choose. You can invite them both and let THEM choose. If your grandmother decides not to come, that’s on her, not you.
Post # 11
Don’t let anyone put you in a position of having to make a choice. Invite both of them and let it be your grandmother’s choice to attend or not.
It’s simply wrong for relatives to play these emotional balckmail games. It doesn’t matter if your Dad had an affair or not. It is not your grandmother’s business to pass judgement on what happened in your parents’ marriage. Often there are factors that non one else knows about that led to the affair.
I am NOT approving affairs in marriage. My philosophy is to get in your marriage or get out of it. Having an affair won’t help.
Post # 12
I strongly encourage you to relook the title of your post, because YOU do NOT have to choose. Granny does and Granny is as wrong as it gets.
She is putting you in the middle here and you do not have to accept that – I hope you do not! It is her choice to attend your wedding. She is acting like a spoiled child and you should not give in to that.
I’m a MOB with one of the most dysfunctional families you could imagine. If i was a talented screenwriter I could have sold our story and been quite rich, it’s that bad.
It is great that you have been able to rebuild some kind of relationship with your dad. Invite them both to your wedding. If Granny balks, tell her it is important to you that she attend and you will be disappointed if she can’t put aside her feelings for your dad for a few hours FOR YOU. If she feels like she can’t, she will be missed.
After you tell her that, do not engage in anymore converstations or calls about it with her or anyone else. Make it clear that the decision is final and end all visits and calls if they keep bringing it up. Once you show them you won’t be swayed and won’t discuss it they will likely back off.
Good luck, and I really hope you do not give in on this.
Post # 13
@shesho: In these situations I always side with the person who didn’t have an affair.
LOL! This made me laugh so hard!
Post # 14
@Corgi-cariad: I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope your grandmother realizes the error of her ways.
Post # 15
I think if your mother is ok with your father being there, than your grandmother should be too. It is your wedding and you can invite the people you want there.
You can say to your grandmother that you understand she does not like your father, but he is your father and you are inviting him – end of story. Tell her you hope that your decision will not lead to her missing out on your special day and leave it at that.
Post # 16
@Corgi-cariad: Advice: never give in to blackmail. Invite everyone you want to invite. If someone then decides to not attend, it is their fault. Invite you father. Your grandmother will hopefully change her mind. She doesn’t need to sit near him or speak to him.