(Closed) I have to stand up for myself and I'm scared…

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

Why do you think she’s going to answer the phone you call her to tell her all this if she’s ignored all your other attempts at communication?

 

If she doesn’t show up on the day of I don’t see that being a problem, you’re just down a Bridesmaid or Best Man and all your other girls step up a spot!

Post # 4
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Maybe say it in a way like, how it seems like too much for her to take on and you really need things to be solidified for your wedding. Like you’re not blaming her, but that it wont work out with her being in the wedding if she’s too busy to do small things like make it to a dress fitting. 

You don’t have to say things you’re uncomfortable saying, and you can be nice about it if you want. If she tries to convince you to keep her in it just say that you’ve given it a lot of thought and that it was hard to decide it but that you’ve made up your mind. 

And, really, the only way to get rid of those nerves is to get it overwith! So if you’re 100% sure it’s the right decision, do it ASAP.

Post # 5
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MissKit:  She missed the dress deadline.  She doesn’t get to be in the wedding.  Maybe you can be more tactful than me, but at this point she is dead weight to you.

Post # 7
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

How to get rid of the nerves:

When you are speaking to her remember that you are ANGRY.  Remember all those days you thought of her and worried about whether she would order the dress.  Do not let her emotionally manipulate you. 

Honestly, I had a girl like this that I did not throw out of my wedding.  Well, in hindsight I wish I had because we are no longer friends, but she’s in all my wedding photos.

This girl is not being a good friend to you and you are doing the right thing.  You have a made a choice, and you know it is the right one.  Keep telling yourself that! 

Post # 8
Member
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Maybe this is immature of me, … ok not maybe, it is, but if I were in your shoes, I would not bother confronting her at all. I would chalk it up to she’s not interested, and she has clearly spelled out her intent with her inaction. I think there’s really no point talking to her about it as she clearly already doesn’t care. I say let it roll off your back and carry on with your day without worrying about her. 

Post # 10
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@MissKit:  I would just assume she isn’t going to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and move on with planning as if she isn’t.  If she hasn’t ordered her dress it’s pretty clear that she doesn’t plan on being a Bridesmaid or Best Man anyway.  When she does get back into contact with you, I would let her know that since she didn’t respond to your previous calls/texts, you assumed she didn’t want to be your bridesmaid so you replaced her.  Let your other BMs know exactly what happened so if your friend complains, there are people to back up your version of the events.

Post # 11
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree with YUNO1.  I don’t see the point in confronting her anyways.  Personally, I would call the dress store and have them take her off your bridesmaids list so she can’t just show up on her own and get the dress.  That way if she DOES go in and try to get her dress, the store will tell her she is not on the list…then she would have to call YOU and then you can tell her why you took her out as a bridesmaid.  BUT, I’m going to venture to guess that there is a 99.9% chance you will not hear from her.  I would leave it and just count her out of your wedding and plan around your other bridesmaids.  I’m going through similar Bridesmaid or Best Man troubles so I feel for you dear.  It’s hard when you consider them good friends…and even family as in my case!  I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 12
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Think of this as very good practice for the future.  When you fear confrontation to the point where you don’t stand up for yourself, people walk all over you.  You don’t have to be a hateful bitch to tell someone that their behavior is unacceptable.  There are polite ways to do this.  You can start by saying “I know you’ve been terribly busy lately, and you’ve had other priorities.  I completely understand.  I’m sure you’ll understand that with everything going on in both our lives, it would be better for you to attend the wedding as a guest.”

Post # 13
Member
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@MissKit:  by that same logic, she could turn around and say “well I was going to be one, but then so and so kicked me out”. She *could* say all kinds of things. You’re not being a bridezilla to her, she’s being aloof and rude to you. I don’t think you owe her any more courtesy than she is giving you. 

I do however, understand needing to have a nail in the coffin so to speak. I’m thinking just call her.  I don’t think there’s a way for it to be comfortable. But getting it over and done with is probably going to eleviate a lot of stress. Even if she gets mad, are you any worse off? You don’t need to feel bad for hurting her feelings, as clearly she has not cared if she hurts yours. 

Post # 14
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MissKit:  IF she answers the phone at all, I highly doubt she’ll cry and beg to stay in the party, seeing as how she’s made it MORE than clear she doesnt want to be in it in the first place.

 

Just be frank with her: “I feel like this isnt something you are able to be a part of. If you don’t want to do it at this point I understand.”

Post # 15
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@MissKit:  I think this “confrontation” is totally unnecessary and I honestly wonder what exactly you expect to gain from having it at all?  I mean, she doesn’t return your calls, shes totally disinterested in you, your wedding, and your relationship as friends…what can possibly be gained from calling her and unceremoniously throwing her out of the wedding party, when it appears she’s already excused herself?

If you’re angry and you want to tell her to go to hell, I get that, do it, you won’t feel better and she probably won’t care, but go ahead and do it.

If you aren’t angry, just stop calling her, remove her from your circle of contact and call it a day.

Drama begets drama, so avoid it if you can.

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