I have to tell him it's over. Help me stay strong in that decision.

posted 1 year ago in No Kids
Post # 3
Member
1142 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I mean do you have to end it? You’re basing your decision on an assumption. Why not talk to him and let him make that decision for himself? Why not tell him you don’t want children and will never change your mind and that you don’t want to waste his time if that’s something he’s unsure of? 

Post # 6
Member
472 posts
Helper bee

This all seems very dramatic for no reason. None of this should ever be discussed via text and preferably not phone either. Calm yourself and have an adult conversation when he gets back. 

Post # 8
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

countingstars :  Been there and bought the t-shirt. Sometimes the person you love just isn’t the right person for you, there is no shame in admitting that. 

If you feel it is the right decision for you to break up with him then you should do it. I think that the conversation is better in person but if that is not possible due to logistics then yes do it by phone. Do not carry on with a fake relationship, leading him on until you can see each other in person. That is a really unfair thing to do. If you know it is over then do it now. 

Good luck and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for ending a relationship that you feel is not right.

 

Post # 9
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

Sounds like there’s more going on. If you love him as you say you do, why are you so quick to be “cruel” and dump him before you can talk to him in person? Are you in such a hurry to move on from him that two weeks is too long of a wait to have this life altering conversation face-to-face? What if he’s actually content with not having kids and you’re assuming he will change his mind? Doesn’t he deserve to lay out his feelings too? It just seems to me that you’re either not being honest with us, or you’re not being honest with yourself. 

Post # 10
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee

It depends on the level of trust and love in your relationship.  If your relationship was newer and haven’t had the time to have a close emotional bond than perhaps leaving now would be easier.  But if I were you, I would at least wait till you were face to face to have a serious transparent convo with him to really get his side of the story because that’s what a partner deserves.

I’ve been your SO before in a similar situation where the guy I was dating was firmly CFBC (which he never told me) and one night we had a very deep candid conversation about what we wanted in life.  I mentioned that when it came to children I was on the fence about it, but overall was not eager to have kids.  Apparently he stewed on this by himself and freaked himself the possibility that I might change my mind in the future about them and he can’t give that to me.  So when I left for a business trip thousands of miles away for a few weeks, he decides to just break up with me then because in his words it’s much easier to do it when we were separated by distance vs. if we saw each other in-person.  I was in such shock, I remember pleading with him on the phone in-between flights to please at least to wait till I got back so we could talk about it.  That it was not fair to me that he so abruptly ends the relationship without letting me explain myself or we had a chance to talk about it together.  But he had already convinced himself that I will DEFINITELY want children (because I was a fence sitter) in the future so he wanted to save himself the heartbreak by just ending it all while I was on the other side of the country and there was no real point in talking about it.  I cannot tell you just how incredibly painful it is to be the recipient of being broken up with when I was separated by long distance (I felt so trapped and helpless that I couldn’t drive to him to talk), that I was not given the opportunity to explain myself or given the opportunity to talk this issue over, that my ex had so thoroughly convinced himself that since he was firmly CFBC that anyone who was in doubt and were fence-sitters must absolutely mean they will want kids in the future, but the worst by far was he was a coward who was so focused on saving his own feelings he never once considered how the way he ended the relationship could be devastating to my heart as well.

You know what happened in the end, I met my Darling Husband, we are ridiculously happily married, and I am now firmly CFBC (we both are).  And my ex is still very much single, and still looking for that “perfect” woman who is also CFBC like him.  The moral of my story is, don’t jump the gun and end your relationship so abruptly without giving your partner a chance to explain himself and for you to have at least one more heart-to-heart discussion with him about what his & your views on children mean for your future.  Because not everyone who is on the fence about kids will definitely want them in the future and you might’ve prematurely ended a relationship for no reason.

Post # 11
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Bee, I am so sorry you are going through this. I think it’s extremely wise of you to see the problem so head on. I can’t speak whether it’s better to end it now or wait: do you ruin his time down there for the next 2 weeks or give him false security for the next 2 weeks? Hopefully bees will have better insight on that, though if your decision on doing it over the phone is set then that’s what you should do.

I do think it’s fair to tell him your concerns and give him a chance to consider, but it sound like a part of him does indeed want a family. Sending you lots of love, support, and strength. <3

Post # 13
Hostess
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Talk to him in person. Breaking up over the phone or via text is absolutely immature, and he deserves better than that.

Post # 14
Member
1504 posts
Bumble bee

Talk face to face.   But, if you’re on opposite sides, it needs to end. 

Post # 15
Member
514 posts
Busy bee

I think you can talk on the phone about what’s on your mind and maybe you can come to a conclusion, but I wouldn’t come right out and just break up with him. Do you just not want to have biological children or you don’t want children at all? I definitely think you need to communicate your concerns and really find out what he wants. I wouldn’t just make the decision to break up without any discussion.

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